Gnome’s Festive Diary

Having spent Christmas with the folks, we return to London where we are joined by the other half’s teenage son.

Wednesday 28 December

He immediately makes a beeline for the PC and, pausing only to throw clothes on top of my highly expensive Wharfdale speakers, goes straight on to MSN Messenger where he proceeds to stay. He’s a decent lad but I am thankful that I have a match to go to in the evening, if only because, as a child of the computer age, his typing is infinitely quicker than mine and I could do without the constant reminder of advancing old age.

I arrive at a busy Wakefield where I am treated (and believe me that isn’t the word) to the sound of Paddy The Greek doing an impersonation of Chas n’ Dave. That’s the painfully unfunny Sp*rs supporting act that it’s now apparently “ironic” to like, as opposed to anyone in general called Chas or Dave, although such is the quality of the impression it is difficult to tell. Kids for a Quid night means the usual arrival of acne-ridden youths who labour under the impression that bathing in the cheap aftershave that they were bought for Christmas will somehow attract women and/or sort out their skin. As usual they are wrong on both counts.

Team news is that the injury situation hasn’t got much better after the Boxing day shenanigans at Fratton Park. The boss elects to go for a 4-5-1 line up consisting of Carroll, Dailly, Konchesky, Collins, Ferdinand, Fletcher, Mullins, Reo-Coker, Etherington, Bellion, Harewood.

Early on Mullins sees an effort go miles over but we are not playing well. Wigan are very good at stopping teams playing but we’re not exactly making it difficult for them. A long ball from the back sees Roberts get the better of Collins only to put his shot horribly wide.

It’s cold and I shout something to the effect that I’d like some decent football to warm me up. At the sound of the words “warm me up” my neighbour Trevor adds the word “Buttercup”. It’s too cold to take my hands out of my pockets and hit him so I make a mental note to take him off my Christmas Card list. That’ll teach him.

The game is poor. Whatever the idea is behind having five across the middle it isn’t working and after a mere 24 minutes AP decides that a change is required and Fletch leaves to be replaced by Zamora. Fletch appears to exchange words with Peter Grant as he comes off. Possibly commenting on the inclemency of the weather I expect.

If improvements are expected they don’t appear and the quality of the game improves not one jot. Carroll saves from a 20 yard strike from former hammer Bullard and we’re showing no threat as the half comes to a close. Still, at least we look like getting to the interval unscathed. Wrong.

A mix-up in the middle sees us lose the ball – again – and Camara moves the ball on. Anton makes a hash of the clearance and Roberts has a simple finish to put the opposition one up.

Worse still we go two down a minute later when good work sees Camara fire home from the edge of the box after Konchesky misses his tackle.

Half-time sees another change when 10K comes on for the largely anonymous Bellion. However, if the first half was poor the second is even worse. I struggle to find anything of note to recall. Roberts elbows Collins and gets a deserved yellow. He repeats the offence but ref Bennett, who had had a poor Boxing Day, must have been looking the other way and fails to give the foul, let alone the second yellow that might make the match more interesting. A similar attack of myopia strikes when a Wigan defender plays the ball away with his arm with Zamora in a promising position.

Aliadiere is given 10 minutes to try to turn things around but nothing happens and the match peters out into a thoroughly dull defeat, things only being livened up by some cheers from the Wigan faithful who must only have been let into the ground with five minutes to go. Either that or they had been told that they weren’t allowed to make a noise in case they woke the neighbours. Dailly, who has had a poor game, picks up a yellow with a couple of minutes left on the clock for the latest in a series of illegal but innocuous challenges. This prompts chants of “off, off, off”. From the Bobby Moore stand.

I adjourn to the press room for the conference where the very wonderful Milly has a steaming hot cup of coffee ready and waiting for me. I mention that Pollitt in the Wigan goal had about as much to do as a tube driver on New Year’s Eve, a line I see in the following night’s Evening Standard courtesy of Ken Dyer, who was also at the conference. Coincidence I expect. Great minds think alike and all that.

I return home by tube due to the lovely Margot not being available to give me a lift home. It’s a rubbish journey not helped by the absence of the Jubilee line and I make a mental note to be really nice to Margot in the new year and not mention exactly how drunk she got the previous year’s New Year’s Eve again.

I return home and the other half’s youngest has gone back on MSN Messenger and I am unable to get on to file my match report. It’s late and I have to work in the morning so I decide to do one overall festive round up of the Wigan Charlton and Chelsea matches on the grounds that, as long as I’m not daft enough to mention it, nobody will notice it.

31 December 2005

I awake to find that the other half’s youngest is busy on MSN Messenger. I’m glad to get out for a bit and I meet up with Bonehead and the lovely Angela whose name I can never remember but have done this time. We meet up with Paddy The Greek, Jen, Gent and Alf Garnett’s Ex in the Royal Oak where, Paddy the Greek thankfully is not doing Chas n’ Dave impersonations.

On leaving the pub I am dismayed to discover that we have been allocated Mr G Poll as our referee for the day thus adding to my general air of foreboding for the forthcoming match. Charlton is not one of my favourite away trips even though it’s about the closest to my home. Living in South East London as I do (don’t knock it – I make a fortune at pub quiz nights due to the lack of meaningful competition) I know a fair number of their supporters nearly all of whom have been lifelong Charlton supporters ever since they stopped supporting someone else. The David Mellor syndrome as it’s known.

The injury-hit team pack is reshuffled again. Zamora is nowhere to be seen, presumably injured alongside Repka, Gabbidon and Sheringham though on the bright side Yossi is deemed fit enough to be given a place on the bench. Aliadiere and 10K are given starts leaving a line up of Carroll, Dailly, Konchesky, Ferdinand, Collins, Reo-Coker, Mullins, Newton, Etherington, Aliadiere, Harewood.

Pre match the PA plays the club song – a version of Mull of Kintyre that sounds like it’s been sung by Paddy the Greek doing his Chas n’ Dave impersonation. None of the home support joins in, possibly from embarrassment, possibly because they don’t know the words.

We get the proverbial bright start. Harewood has an early shot blocked. Later, Reo-Coker’s pass, ok mis-hit shot, finds Matty whose cross shot goes narrowly past the far post.

We get a succession of corners. Myhre fumbles one of these and Reo-Coker’s shot is saved well – by Hreidarsson. It’s a clear handball with the Charlton man’s arm stuck out away from his body. Poll of course gives nothing and laughs. I live in hope of the day that someone in authority finally looks at idiots like Poll, Dean and Riley and finally says “this is not good enough”. Unfortunately with Keith “Moron” Hackett in charge of refereeing issues I’m not holding my breath.

Aliadiere tries to make up for Poll’s ineptitude and is getting through a lot of running narrowly failing to get on the end of a Harewood cross and it looked like only a matter of time before a goal would come. It’s a total mystery then as to how we suddenly find ourselves 1-0 down. Konchesky goes down the left on a good run but he’s crowded out. The ball gets played up to Bent on the right who, with Konch out of position, only has Matty to deal with. He plays a long cross to the far post where Bartlett slides in, the ball flying off him up onto the bar and in. Another day it could have gone anywhere but not today. What little noise there is from the home support is quickly drowned out by “Bubbles”.

It is Newcastle all over again. We’ve dominated so much Charlton have barely got the ball out of their own half yet we’re 1-0 down. Strangely Charlton attack again, presumably spurred on by the novelty of having done so once and Rommedahl hits a low shot which Carroll turns round the post. Poll, of course, fails to spot the 45 degree diversion in the path of the ball and fails to give the corner prompting a burst of indignation from the home support.

We continue to press forward and Newton is fed in space on the right of the box only to see his shot pushed round the post by Myhre. Harewood tries, but fails to connect with a bicycle/aerial scissors kick type of thing and has a bit more joy shortly after when his drive from outside the box is only a couple of feet over.

Charlton decide to add to their couple of attacks and Carroll saves from a volley and a follow-up is blocked but further addition to the lead does not arise and we go in 1-0 down at the interval.

The highlights are shown on the big screen during the interval. This consists of them showing Charlton’s goal and the few other occasions they went forward. A few token Hammers attacks survive the cut but the “edit” might as well be from a completely different match.

The second half starts with Charlton going forward and a Rommedahl shot takes a deflection and clips the outside of the post. Up the other end Harewood and Anton have shots blocked whilst a ball sits up nicely for Matty but he fails to get enough on the shot to really trouble the ‘keeper.

On the hour Dailly, whose performances at right back in the absence of Repka have caused major cause for concern, is replaced by Yossi. Then the wheels come off. Anton loses his man and the cross finds Bent who puts the header away. From this point we cease to present much of an attacking threat, though on the few occasions we do go forward Poll is very quick to deny advantage when appropriate. Twit. On one such occasion we’re pulled back for a free kick which Konchesky hits the ball into the wall and out for a corner. Poll, of course, fails to spot the 45 degree diversion in the path of the ball and fails to give the corner prompting a burst of indignation, this time from the away support.

Bellion replaces the fading Aliadiere but little changes and the misery is complete when Yossi goes round the ‘keeper but pulls his shot wide. Charlton have a few shots wide and the home support finally start up a chant of “we can see you sneaking out” oblivious to the hundreds of freshly-vacated empty seats in their own end, presumably emptied by supporters in a hurry to get to matches played in the afternoon by their “other” clubs. We end up losing another game that we ought to have got something from and, once more, bemoaning the lack of a striker.

I adjourn (eventually), to the Half Moon at Putney where a band called “The Incredibly Strange Film Band” are on. They perform a selection of 60’s/70’s TV and film themes and are superb. Highly Recommended.

2 January 2006

I’m in a subdued mood as I travel to this match having heard of the untimely death of a much-loved aunt in Ireland on New Year’s Eve. On the bright side the other half’s youngest is on his way home meaning that I will at last be able to get onto my PC without worrying about whether I’ll still be able to get onto the computer if I leave my seat for a microsecond.

My paper is full of Frank L*mpard jr telling the world how he doesn’t care about getting stick at West Ham. I note that, for someone who cares so little he talks about us a hell of a lot, presumably for suitable amounts of cash and I wonder how many papers he’s given the same exclusive interview to.

Team news is that Fletcher and Benayoun are to be given starts in place of 10K and Aliadiere. Zamora returns to the bench following injury but there is no sign of Repka, Gabbidon or young Edward leaving us with a starting line-up of Carroll, Dailly, Konchesky, Collins, Ferdinand, Fletcher, Mullins, Reo-Coker, Benayoun, Etherington and Harewood.

Lampard’s name is roundly booed when announced whilst Glen Johnson’s name is greeted with warm applause. This is possibly because Glen Johnson doesn’t spend every five minutes slagging his former employers and supporters in the press. Food for thought eh Frank?

As one would expect from a team costing so much money Chelsea have major amounts of possession in the early period. The away support shows patches of empty seats. Presumably these are the ones that are normally occupied by the away fans that do their singing for them as the Chelsea support spends most of the first half in near-silence, despite the domination their side are showing.

As is usual where Chelsea are concerned the ref (advertised as Chris Foy but looking suspiciously like Howard Webb to me) is clearly overawed by the galaxy of stars on show and, every time they fall over under the slightest of pressure he gives a free-kick. Lampard seems to take most of these but meets with no success. Then with 11 on the clock Nigel Reo-Coker is slightly late on Essien who goes down as if shot. He seems ok when he eventually gets up and even speeds up when he goes off. However he lasts another minute and goes down again and is stretchered off. Normally I have sympathy for genuinely injured players – I’ve had enough knocks of my own in my own playing “career” - but on this occasion it’s difficult for me to have much in the way of concern given the number of unpunished assaults perpetrated by Essien in recent weeks. Gudjohnsen replaces the Ghanaian thug. As if to make up for Essien’s departure Duff leaps in with a shocking two-footer the likes of which I’ve seen reds given for. Duff benefits from the Chelsea leniency policy and gets away with a yellow.

Chelsea then create the first real chance as Del Horno’s long cross finds Robben who catches his volley maybe slightly too well. Carroll’s save is not the cleanest but he manages to keep his body behind the ball in exactly the same way as I never seem to be able to do when I’m in goal and the ball is cleared.

Chelsea take the lead on 25 minutes. Duff, though looking about a mile offside when the ball is played, chases a long ball and wins a throw. The ball ends up in the box and Yossi inexplicably tries to head it back to Carroll but only finds the fat one who buries his shot and, showing how little he cares about the stick given to him by his former supporters, gestures at the Bobby Moore and celebrates down by the Chicken Run.

Our best effort of the half follows as we push forward and good work from Matty and Marlon sees Matty crowded out by Cech. However the visitors dominate and Robben draws a fantastic save from Carroll who tips a fierce drive around the post.

The ref is now giving cause for concern. Geremi commits two blatant red-card offences both of which occur in full view of the official. A forearm smash into Yossi’s face leaves the Israeli out cold. The ref couldn’t have had a better view but gives nothing. Having been given carte-blanche by the ref to elbow his way about the place, Geremi goes in for a challenge with NRC elbow first again. Again the ref does nothing – well he gives a free-kick against that nasty Matty person for having the temerity to try to get the ball back. It’s disgraceful play from the defender but as long as English referees continue to be so lenient to Chelsea they’ll carry on getting away with it.

Harewood finally wins a free-kick just before the interval when Geremi finally gets pulled up for what is actually his fifth foul on Marlon. Nothing comes of it and the half ends with applause for the team and boos for the officials.

Well none of us have been expecting anything out of this match but within half a minute of the restart we find ourselves level. A slip by a defender allows Reo-Coker to combine with Harewood whose shot comes off Cech and into the air. It’s going in anyway but Marlon makes sure on the line to make the travelling support even more silent than they were before.

Fletch wins a clean tackle on L*mpard but obviously says something that upsets the little soldier who, despite the fact that he doesn’t care about the stick he’s getting (copyright all newspapers) reacts angrily to Fletch’s comments and a spot of handbags occurs that results I both protagonists getting yellows.

L*mpard then nearly scores again but Carroll pulls off another fine save. With an hour gone Duff is replaced by Crespo who, within a minute puts the visitors ahead. Fletch loses the ball in a dangerous position and Crespo just manages to stay onside to take the ball round Carroll and put the ball into the empty net.

It’s taken an hour but the away support finally start to sing. “That’s why we’re champions” they roar though I presume they are not waving the wallets stuffed full of laundered roubles that would lend the chant some accuracy. Meanwhile the twit with the rattle refuses to comply with the centenary stand’s request, presumably on the grounds that there isn’t room for both a rattle and a blue flag up that particular orifice.

The visitors are good at getting nine men behind and breaking well and Crespo misses two good chances. We switch things around a bit and Mullins is removed from the midfield to be replaced by Zamora. Marlon drops back to play wide on the right but with 10 left on the clock the visitors sew up the points with the best goal of the day. A long ball finds Drogba in space and he outpaces Konchesky before putting in a low angled drive across Carroll.

There are late chances for Fletch, whose header goes over, and Yossi who curls his effort wide after being fed by Zamora but further goals there are none. The team leave to generous applause given in recognition of the fact that the team had not been disgraced.

In terms of points it’s been an unproductive few games but, given the lack of real depth in the squad, the absence of four or five first-team regulars all at once was bound to cause problems. If asked this time last year whether 10th position would be acceptable most of us would have said no – but only because we’d have presumed we were being asked about the Championship rather than the top-flight!

Finally, as repetitive strain injury sets in, may I wish everyone a Happy New Year!

Player Marks

vs Wigan

Carroll 6
Not as assured as of late

Dailly 4
The nickname of “football genius” looked highly ironic . Took three touches almost every time and his distribution was shocking.

Konchesky 6
Missed tackle gave away a goal but otherwise ok.

Ferdinand 6
Definitely missing Gabbidon – it doesn’t look like a partnership with Anton next to Collins.

Collins 6
Possibly one of the less worst of our players on the night. Not that that was much of an achievement. As mentioned above though hima and anton do not seem to work well together.

Fletcher 6
Was doing ok but the five-man midfield wasn’t working so he was sacrificed in favour of Zamora.

Mullins 5
Lost the ball too many times for my liking.

Etherington 6
Had a few moments here and there but these were too few to cause much excitement

Reo-Coker 5
Lost possession in dangerous places too often in what was to be a major theme for the side on the night.

Bellion 4
Ineffective – or should that be invisible?

Harewood 5
Copped a lot of stick from the crowd. Unfair really when he was far from the worst player on display but he was still not at his best.

Substitutes:

Zamora 5
Failed to liven things up when replacing Fletcher as part of the system change.

Newton 5
Caught the general malaise affecting those already on the park in that he couldn’t find a team-mate with a pass.

Aliadiere 5
Given precious little time to do much – with predictable results.

vs Charlton

Carroll 7
A couple of good saves – one uncredited thanks to Poll.

Dailly 5
An improvement on the Wigan match – but that’s hardly worthy of note.

Konchesky 6
Generally solid but caught out of position for the first goal.

Collins 6
Battled well but looks better when trying to do the simple things – not one you’d call “comfortable” on the ball.

Ferdinand 6
Caught neither here nor there for the second goal which allowed Powell to get the cross over.

Reo-Coker 7
Beginning to look nearer his pre-injury best but I think he looks better going forward with Sheringham in the side.

Mullins 7
With NRC he helped dominate the midfield in the first half but, like the rest of the side, he seemed to run out of steam.

Newton 6
Solid rather than spectacular as usual, he looked a better bet at right back than Dailly when he moved back later on.

Etherington 5
Continues to inspire and infuriate in equal amounts, often during the course of one match, as was the case today.

Aliadiere 6
Apparently he has been moaning to anyone who’ll listen about the lack of a start. Did well in the first half but faded into obscurity in the second as we ran out of ideas.

Harewood 6
A lot of hard work but his indecision as to whether to pass or shoot was, as is often the case, his undoing as, on a number of occasions he ended up doing neither.

Substitutes:

Benayoun 6
A welcome return – provided what little inspiration we had in the second half though he probably ought to have scored late on.

Bellion 4
Replaced Aliadiere and promptly became as anonymous as usual.

vs Chelsea

Carroll 8
Some excellent saves kept us in it when we could have been buried out of sight.

Dailly 5
Kept it fairly simple – even went on a mazy dribble before hilariously beating himself!

Konchesky 5
Not one he’ll want to remember as he was given a torrid time by first Gudjohnsen then Drogba.

Collins 5
Battled gamely again but seemed to lose just about every header when up against Drogba.

Ferdinand 5
Like Collins he failed to win much against Drogba.

Reo-Coker 8
That he didn’t look out of place in such illustrious company shows how well he played.

Benayoun 6
Looked good in places – can think himself lucky Mr Poll from Tring wasn’t refereeing in view of the vicious assault he launched on Geremi’s forearm with his face! Awful error for their first.

Mullins 7
A lot of hard work in the middle – looked knackered as he came off to be replaced by Zamora.

Etherington 5
A couple of good runs but we were under the cosh most of the time and therefore he wasn’t as in the game as much as we’d have liked.

Fletcher 6
A fairly solid match under difficult conditions though lord knows what he was trying to do for their second.

Harewood 8
Worked his socks off firstly up front then on the right. Deserved the goal.

Substitutes:

Zamora 5
Failed to trouble the defence any.

Bellion 5
I recall a promising run but little else.

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