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I pity the Newell

Filed: Friday, 17th November 2006
By: Gerry McDonnell

It’s easy to say the wrong thing. When the wife told me she’d received a fine for not wearing a seatbelt, I probably shouldn’t have responded with; “Why’s that then? Wouldn’t it fit?”

Mike Newell is in a similar boat. His controversial views on female officials have landed him in a spot of bother; but in my opinion, there could well be a nail with a pounding headache. It’s unfair to ask a woman to make crucial decisions less than 24 hours after an episode of Emmerdale.

All joking aside, Amy Rayner is more than capable. If I had to mark her performance using the binary scale, I’d give her ‘1’.

Is it a coincidence that Spurs are wearing a chocolate coloured kit now that women are running the line? (A lady will be less inclined to flag for offside if they’re contemplating a large dairy milk.) If you’re not cynical about the situation, you probably haven’t thought it through. There’s no need to ponder for too long on the outcome of the Blackburn v Tottenham match. Be a smarty; eat up the 8/5 about a home win.

Alan Pardew and Jose Mourinho are the undisputed kings of the goal celebration. Let’s hope there’s not a lady lino on duty when Chelsea face West Ham, or it could turn into a scene from ‘Saturday Night Fever’. The champions have too much for the Hammers; their title hopes will be stayin’ alive at 1/4.

Jose Mourinho has had a pop at the Chelsea fans, he’s accused them of being quieter than El Hadji Diouf’s wife. Chelsea supporters will have plenty to sing about if they cover the 2-0/3-0 correct scores at 5/2.

The word on the street is that Frank Lampard is to be offered a new deal worth £130,000 a week; that buys a whole lot of chicken wings. The Lamp has found the net in three of his last five games; he’s worth a nibble at 13/8 to score against his former employers.

It’s fair to say that Iain Dowie made an absolute ‘Desert Orchid’ of the Charlton job; sorry, I meant ‘dog’s dinner’. Charlton are bottom of the table and haven’t won in Reading for 25 years, the Royals should be backed at a majestic even money.

Finding Michael Jackson babysitting work is tough, finding Mike Newell a job at the equal opportunities commission is even tougher, but finding a winner in the Everton v Bolton match is proving nigh impossible. I can’t see past the draw at 9/4.

Sir Alex was far from happy when news broke that Keith Hackett had arranged a meeting with Jose Mourinho. Fergie’s voice reached such a high pitch, Mike Newell wanted him removed from the touchline. United have won on their last three visits to Bramall Lane without conceding a goal, I fancy a repeat at 11/10.

Gareth Southgate has led Boro up to 13th place in the Premiership, which makes him over-qualified for the position of England manager. Liverpool have won only two of their last eight league match-ups with Middlesbrough, and both of those were at Anfield. The Boro look a corking investment at 12/5 to triumph at the Riverside.

With the managerial merry-go-round now under way, Stuart Pearce must be sweating like Mike Newell at a feminist convention. Fulham must be backed at 12/5 to see off Man City.

The wife hates it when i make patronizing comments; the poor little lamb gets ever so upset. You’ll be screaming if you miss Aston Villa at 2/1 away to Wigan.

Let me just clarify, I am not a sexist; I enjoy conversations about cushions. Everybody’s talking about the 4/6 on offer for Pompey at home to Watford; it’s as tasty as a chicken tikka masala.

I had a lovely Indian on Wednesday night to celebrate England’s draw in Holland; her name was Sanjita. There was an immediate chemistry between us; Rohypnol. I’m loving Arsenal at 1/3 at home to Newcastle.

The argument for this week’s accer is so convincing, Mike Newell is reconsidering his hard-line stance on women’s rights. Arsenal, Chelsea, Portsmouth, Reading and an Everton draw are the five selections; you have the right to collect at a bra-burning 15/1.

Weekend Betting

Chelsea v West Ham
Saturday 18th November 15:00

Chelsea 1/4; Draw 9/2; West Ham 14/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special: Frank Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 10/3

Man City v Fulham
Saturday 18th November 12:45

Man City 6/5; Draw 9/4; Fulham 12/5

Get on: Fulham

Match Special: Papa Bouba Diop to score with a header 9/1

Arsenal v Newcastle
Saturday 18th November 15:00

Arsenal 1/3; Draw 4/1; Newcastle 10/1

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special: Henry to score two or more goals 11/4

Everton v Bolton
Saturday 18th November 15:00

Everton 13/10; Draw 9/4; Bolton 2/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special: No goalscorer in the game 8/1

Portsmouth v Watford
Saturday 18th November 15:00

Portsmouth 4/6; Draw 5/2; Watford 9/2

Get on: Portsmouth

Match Special: Pedro Mendes to score at any time 5/1

Reading v Charlton
Saturday 18th November 15:00

Reading Evs; Draw 9/4; Charlton 3/1

Get on: Reading

Match Special:

Reading to win and keep a clean sheet 2/1

Sheff Utd v Man Utd
Saturday 18th November 15:00

Sheff Utd 8/1; Draw 7/2; Man Utd 4/11

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special: Saha to score two or more goals 3/1

Middlesbrough v Liverpool
Saturday 18th November 17:15

Middlesbrough 12/5; Draw 9/4; Liverpool 6/5

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:

Middlesbrough to win 1-0 8/1

Wigan v Aston Villa
Sunday 19th November 13:30

Wigan 6/4; Draw 9/4; Aston Villa 2/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special: Chris Sutton to score the first goal 8/1

Blackburn v Tottenham
Sunday 19th November 16:00

Blackburn 8/5; Draw 9/4; Tottenham 2/1

Get on: Blackburn

Match Special: McCarthy to score the only goal of the game 33/1

Please note that the opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, nor should be attributed to, KUMB.com.

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