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When it comes to relationships, there is one undeniable truth. It doesn’t matter how attractive a girl may be, how delightful her personality or how sparkling her conversation; sooner or later, the bint’s going to start to grate.

As a result, a decline in physical intimacy is a natural consequence. After making sweet music with the same partner for a number of months, it’s perfectly natural to want to replace the duet with a solo.

The female can often sense the male losing interest, and will go to desperate lengths to reignite the spark. The wife asked if there was anything I’d like her to do differently in the bedroom; I probably shouldn’t have responded with: “Tidy it.”

After persuading me with a couple of left hooks to take the problem more seriously, I decided to ‘man up’ and face the consequences. I reluctantly agreed to give ‘roleplaying’ a whirl, but I was unhappy with her decision to play a tubby Scot.

The wife then suggested a’ ménage à trois’, but her only pals who aren’t alcoholics are the Wong twins, and I can’t stand the idea of two women complaining about me to their mother.

In the end, we settled on the outdoor frolic. It was just my luck to be nicked on our first attempt. The copper understandably arrested me for flouting public decency, and that was just for letting the wife out of the house.

The evil one has now added S&M to the horrifying mix. I’m now lumbered with the female equivalent of Fulham FC; she wants to be spanked away from home every other weekend. Wigan will continue this time-honoured tradition at 6/5.

Astonishingly, games involving Manchester United have produced the fewest number of goals in the Premiership this season. United’s lack of firepower has led to Fergie swapping the wine for the whisky; he allegedly had a shot on the rocks on Monday. The 5/2 for a draw between Everton and Manchester United has taken my breath away.

The Arsenal players will be ready to celebrate after the club announced the greatest signing of the season; they’ve tied up Arsene Wenger to a long-term deal. If there’s a better bet than Arsenal to leave White Hart Lane with three points at 13/8, it must be hiding with Bin Laden.

Portsmouth will soon be in the Michael Barrymore position, they’re going to seriously regret hosting a Pool party. Liverpool haven’t conceded a goal from open play this season, the 4/5 is bordering on a gift.

Steve Bruce may look like he should be sitting on a wall outside a mansion, but his strength of character is beyond dispute. I’m not sitting on the fence in the Birmingham v Bolton meet; I’m on the Blues at 7/5.

Robbie Savage believes a dumb blonde will fly Concorde to the moon before John Toshack takes Wales to a World Cup. I agree that Toshack faces an uphill task, but the odds have improved dramatically since he dumped the deadwood on his arrival. I’m whinging like a little girl about only receiving 2/5 for a Chelsea win over Blackburn.

Middlesbrough’s recent record at Upton Park is shabbier than Britney Spears; they’ve been absolutely hammered on their last five visits. I’m happier than Frank Lampard at ‘an all you can eat’ buffet with the even money for another West Ham win.

Thaksin Shinawatra is like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, he’s worried about an oriental fellow sneaking up on him and banging him up. The 9/4 for a draw between Manchester City and Aston Villa is beyond reproach.

You can’t expect to stay in the Premiership if you’re leaking goals, and Derby have the flimsiest defence since Kate McCann. Nobody is questioning the 10/11 for a Newcastle win at Pride Park.

With the exception of Craig Gordon, the Sunderland squad looks incredibly weak. It takes a skilled horticulturist to grow roses using manure, and I haven’t seen Roy Keane with a wheelbarrow since he signed his last contract at Manchester United. Reading look a great shout at 9/4 to leave the Stadium of Light with a point.

The wife has bought an ‘adult’ DVD in another misguided attempt to rejuvenate my flagging libido. I’m praying that the weekend accer of Arsenal, West Ham, Chelsea and Newcastle obliges at 12/1, as i need a good excuse to avoid an hour and a half of unviewable filth. There’s a real chance it might be ‘The Best of Jim Davidson’.

Weekend Betting

WEST HAM UNITED v MIDDLESBROUGH
Saturday 15th September 15:00

West Ham Evs; Draw 12/5; Middlesbrough 3/1

Get on: West Ham

Match Special: Bellamy to score at any time 15/8

Everton v Man Utd
Saturday 15th September 12:00

Everton 7/2; Draw 5/2; Man Utd 5/6

Get on: Draw

Match Special: No goalscorer in the match 10/1

Portsmouth v Liverpool
Saturday 15th September 12:45


Portsmouth 4/1; Draw 11/4; Liverpool 4/5

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special: Liverpool to score three or more goals 7/2

Tottenham v Arsenal
Saturday 15th September 13:30

Tottenham 19/10; Draw 11/5; Arsenal 13/8

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special: Eduardo to score the last goal 13/2

Birmingham v Bolton
Saturday 15th September 15:00

Birmingham 7/5; Draw 9/4; Bolton 2/1

Get on: Birmingham

Match Special: Kapo to score the only goal of the game 45/1

Sunderland v Reading
Saturday 15th September 15:00

Sunderland 11/8; Draw 9/4; Reading 11/5

Get on: Draw

Match Special: Doyle to score in a 1-1 draw 20/1

Wigan v Fulham
Saturday 15th September 15:00

Wigan 6/5; Draw 9/4; Fulham 13/5

Get on: Wigan

Match Special: Heskey to score in a 2-0 Wigan win 18/1

Chelsea v Blackburn
Saturday 15th September 17:15


Chelsea 2/5; Draw 7/2; Blackburn 10/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special: John Terry to score with a header 9/1

Man City v Aston Villa
Sunday 16th September 16:00


Man City 11/8; Draw 9/4; Aston Villa 23/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special: Match to finish 0-0 or 1-1 3/1

Derby v Newcastle
Monday 17th September 20:00


Derby 7/2; Draw 23/10; Newcastle 10/11

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special: Michael Owen to score two or more goals 6/1

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