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We conclude our look at 2008/09 with tales of "degenerated sexual behaviour", drink driving bans and out of court settlements. There was also a rather good goal at Wigan.....

February 2009

The transfer window closes and as the dust settles down the club sign young ‘keeper Peter Kurucz from FC Ujpest who us old ‘uns remember as Ujpest Doza, As part of the deal youngster Tony Stokes goes out to Hungary on loan. Website boss Graeme Howlett has a gander at the Hungarian club’s website and is assaulted by some easy listening sounds and turns his computer off before the inevitable Build Me Up B*ttercup comes on.

It is revealed that the club were in negotiations with right-backs Bryce Moon, of Panathanaikos and Sergiu Homei of Bucharest. Neither deal was completed in advance of the 5pm deadline, though Kumb had hoped to see the South African Moon in a Hammers shirt if only to see the confusion on his face when Jeremy announces his arrival and departure from the ground part way through the match.

Irons remain in 8th spot as they go down to a fine individual goal from Ryan Giggs at home to Man Utd. Behrami has a fine match and keeps Ronaldo quiet. Well quietish anyway - there was a fair bit of whining.

Phil Scolari gets the sack at Stamford Bridge and, predictably, the lazier elements of the press gang start to put the names of Zola and Clarke in the frame. Harry Harris goes a bit further and claims on live radio that the managerial team has gone as far as having had talks with Chelsea. This turns out to be utter rubbish and it is something that later turns out to cost the BBC a few bob in damages – nice to see our licence fees being well spent.

Carlton Cole is on the losing side on his England debut as England go down 2-0 to Spain in Seville.

Hammers make another signing as 19 year-old striker Terry Dixon arrives. Dixon has already made an appearance in the full Republic of Ireland squad as a 16 year-old Spurs academy player. However his career has hit the buffers following serious knee problems and he arrives as a free agent having been released by Spurs. Hammers take a chance on the youngster following a spell working with the club’s medics.

Hammers are still in the Cup – just – following an off day at home to Boro’. Herita Ilunga celebrates his permanent deal with a late header. Everton await the eventual winners of the tie.

Still up north Hammers lose on the road for the first time in nearly 4 months at the Reebok. Two early goals and an injury to James Collins make up a nightmare start. The visitors proceed to batter Bolton and a Scott Parker goal gives the side hope but Jaaskelainen has another fine match between the sticks to deny us a share of the points.

Cup dreams are over for another year as an uncharacteristic display at the Riverside sees us go down 2-0. Bolstered by free coach travel, the only part of the ground that is full is the away section as, once more, Boro’ fans find something better to do.

Dinamo Bucharest apparently claim that Sergui Homei has signed a pre-contract deal to take the right back to the Boleyn from 30 June. We have yet to see anything official and since this appears only on Wikipedia we treat the information with the same suspicion as a statement from Kevin McCabe.

March 2009

Winning ways are restored as Man City are defeated 1-0 with a late Collison goal. Bellamy plays but is so ineffective nobody actually notices. More worrying is Behrami’s injury which is serious enough to require six minutes of on-pitch treatment and oxygen. It turns out to be a cruciate ligament job which will put an end to what has been a decent first season.

Carlton Cole’s magnificent goal of the season at Wigan is overshadowed by the antics of ref Stuart Atwell who, as Keith Hackett’s protégé has shown himself to be out of his depth time and time again. This time Cole sees red becoming the first player to be sent off twice in a season without actually committing a red card offence. Other players from both sides who could have walked don’t as Cole’s effort earns all three points.

The Wigan win is followed-up by a turgid 0-0 draw at home to West Brom which we’d banished from our minds until we had to review the season.

An out of court settlement is finally agreed with Sheffield United as the Blades avoid having the full extent of their dodgy claims made public. The figure remains undisclosed but is well below the amounts originally sought. Just to add to the mix, it is believed that the final amount will be payable in instalments.

In other financial news, the Icelandic courts grant West Ham’s holding company a moratorium against being wound up, the issue to be revisited in June.

More fourth rate players come out of the closet as more Blades and former Blades make self-delusional claims as to how their careers would have panned out. Neil “Colin” Warnock seems especially schizophrenic, seeming to believe that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, he should be a Premiership manager.

On the road the team takes a point from Ewood Park. Mark Noble’s first half strike is enough to earn a 1-1 draw against a side for whom route one is considered too subtle. Most commentators remark on Blackburn’s reliance on hoof and long throw. Hilariously Sam Allardyce uses the club’s official website to publish what appears to be a set of logarithm tables as statistical proof that watching Blackburn is better than watching the Brazil 1970 World Cup winning side. Nobody is fooled.

Thousands check the date as the club announces a welcome cut in season ticket prices with a freeze and further cut for long term ticket holders in future years to come.

The injuries start to rack up as Carlton Cole, himself a substitute for Emil Heskey, limps off in the first half of England’s friendly against Slovakia. A troublesome groin is the problem.

April 2009

Kumb announces that Sheffield United’s mascots are to sue West Ham for some reason or another. A number of people fall for the gag, though frankly nobody would be in the least bit surprised were it to come true.

A patched up side defeats Sunderland 2-0. Junior Stanislas finishes off a fine end-to-end move in the first half and James Tomkins heads home from a corner to give the home side a comfortable three points. Spector becomes the latest player to be given oxygen on the pitch as he lands awkwardly and gets concussed. Thankfully he recovers before Ges Steinbergs is forced to give him mouth to mouth.

Diego Tristan gets a 32 month driving ban for crashing his Porsche whilst three times over the limit. 32 months seems rather a harsh given that few expect him to be in the country that long. The ban causes a mini logistical problem as both Cole and Tristan struggle for lifts to training.

Radoslav Kovac is kicked out of the Czech Republic set-up after being caught “cavorting” with prostitutes following defeat to former country-mates Slovakia. Apparently there was some sort of row as he got into an argument with one of the girls over whose hair was nicest. The incident followed what the Czech press referred to “degenerated sexual behaviour” with a female reporter in 2008. If anyone could tell us what “degenerated sexual behaviour” actually is we’d be grateful. Just for professional purposes of course.

A Hammers side bereft of six first choice players go down 1-0 at White Hart Lane. Spurs fans celebrate as if they’d won the Champions League rather than having beaten someone’s reserve XI. Still they’re never likely to know the difference.

Post-match the sad news arrives of the death of former Hammer Jimmy Neighbour at the ridiculously young age of 58. Neighbour was a member of the all conquering 1981 promotion side and played a vital part in the League Cup run that season. A sad loss.

On the pitch Diego Tristan manages to deflect one of the multiple balls he can see past Brad Friedel to earn a point at Villa Park as people start to take the idea of a place in Europe seriously.

Frank Lampard junior hits the headlines over something to do with his private life, something that results in chants of “you’ve got no family” at the match at the Boleyn that week. John Terry comes in for similar stick following revelations that his mother is a thief. “John Terry, your mum’s a thief” is the accurate if somewhat unimaginative chant. The chants seem to upset Sun hack Ian McGarry who refers to the Hammers faithful as “cowards and morons”. So upset is McGarry at the chants that it completely slips his mind to mention that he is Lampard’s ghost writer and responsible for the lie that Hammers fans cheered when the fat one broke his leg. There are words to describe journos who abuse their position to pursue personal agendas. “Cowards and morons” to name but two.

Chelsea scrape an unconvincing 1-0 win as Terry hilariously spouts off in print that “you can’t buy that”. That’ll just be coincidence then John that Chelsea’s success started just after Abrahamovic arrived then. And that M&S cardigan was just resting in Mummy’s shopping bag as well I expect.

May 2009

The month starts with another away win, this time at Stoke whose home record had previously been excellent. Diego Tristan’s fine free-kick is good enough as Neill incurs the wrath of the officials by demanding the same use of the pitchside towels as is afforded to the home side. Skirmishes in the crowd are referred to as “a return to the bad old days of the 1970s” by journos who clearly weren’t born during the “bad old days of the 70s.”

BG announces that his personal debt is something of the order of £300m. We’d suggest Ocean Finance or that lot Carol Vorderman used to advertise, but we suspect that they might not return BG’s calls.

Liverpool take three goals and three points from the Boleyn, benefiting for the third match running from refereeing generosity as the officials do their best to make the premiership a two-horse race. A referee costs us again a week later up at Everton as Tomkins sees red following Cahill’s dive. Saha scores twice again as what’s left of the first team go down 3-1 at Goodison. Kovac takes time off cavorting to score with a 30 yard drive.

The Goodison defeat finally puts paid to hopes of European qualification but confirms the club’s participation in the pre-season Asia Cup in China. That’ll be us having to take time off to watch it on Setanta if it still exists then.

In further journo news Oliver Holt writes an article praising “Neil Warnock” for his “integrity”. The article praises Colin for putting out a side that doesn't roll over for promotion-chasing Sheffield United. The match ends up 0-0, the result being largely academic thanks to Birmingham City's win at Reading.

It later transpires that Palace have fielded an ineligible player in the match and are fined £15,000 and deducted one point. Had such a punishment been replicated in 2007 Sheffield United would have been relegated. Still.

Holt who, lest we forget (since he never feels it important enough to mention it himself) is Warnock's ghost writer, presumably sees his position as Britain’s most hypocritical sportswriter as being under threat from arriviste Ian McGarry. We look forward to reading a Spinal Tap-esque explanation of St Colin's antics containing the phrase "too much integrity". Clearly Hackett of the year is going to be a toughie this year.

The season ends with a 2-1 home win over a poor Boro’ side who show precisely why they are going down. Carlton Cole nets on his return to the starting line-up after injury, showing us what we’ve missed. The winner goes to Junior Stanislas. Kieron Dyer makes an appearance as sub and Danny Gabbidon resumes full training, both just in time for the season to end. Still there’s always pre-season for them to pick up a knock in.

We finish up in 9th position – one up on last season with much improved football on show.

Kumb reads a bizarre news item that suggests that David DiMichele is in the running to become the new chairman of Marks & Spencer. On clearing the sleep from our eyes and putting our contact lenses in it transpires that the article does in fact refer to a Sir David Michels, who will be running the search for the new M&S boss. I suppose we should have realised it had nothing to do with our striker once we'd seen the word "running".

And finally – the heartwarming story without which no news story would be complete:

Sheffield United lose 1-0 to Burnley in the play-off final. You can’t buy that!

Have a good summer and, if Nigel Quashie turns up tell him we’ve gone on our hols!


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