That was the season that was 2009/10

It's been another eventful season. Gordon Thrower, fortified only by several cups of strong, black coffee, has bravely relived the last 10 months so you don't have to. Here's the first instalment of his trawl through the archives...

Pre-season

The club gets new owners as BG hands over the keys to the similarly beleaguered Straumur Group to whom he owes a fair bit of dosh. Any hope that the new owners will make significant investment in their new toy are tempered by the fact that Straumur owe people even more than BG owed them, and their own creditors are circling round like vultures.


Not for the last time this season, Tottenham get the upper hand...

On the football side of things, the club finds enough airmiles from Zola's trips back home, to take the squad out to Beijing for the Asia Cup. Included in the squad is new “loan with an option” signing Luis Jiminez, who has come in from Inter. The season gets off to its traditional start when we lose a player through injury. This season it's Luis Boa Morte's turn as the unlucky winger lasts all of 12 minutes of the first match against Tottenham. It's a knee ligament injury that will keep LBM out of the first team all season. Tottenham win the match 1-0 thanks to a Defoe shot that Green allows to squirm under his body. Third place is secured with a 2-0 win over Beijing Guoan. Spurs presumably went on to the thing against Hull but I'll be damned if I'm going to look up the result.

August

We secure an opening-day win against Wolves at Molineux with goals from Noble and Upson. Someone called Kieron Dyer plays for 73 minutes. That and an away win. The first of many surely. A superb volley from Cole gives us the lead at home to Spurs but the same player's shocking pass to Defoe sets up an equaliser, whilst a slip from Spector lets in Lennon to give Spurs two more points than they really deserved. The disappointment in losing is tempered by the news that Jack Collison's father has been killed in a motorcycle accident on the way to the match. That phrase about life & death usually (and incorrectly) attributed to Bill Shankly has never looked more stupidly wrong.


Radoslav Kovac appears unperturbed by the giant floating white thing...

The Carling Cup draw pitches us against Millwall. Police decide that they will take the night off, leaving only a traffic warden and two lollipop ladies on duty. When the predictable fun ensues in Green Street, the Met admit that they'd got the numbers wrong and promise to only send one lollipop lady next time. On the pitch things start badly as the team go 1-0 down. However Stanislas equalises to send the match into extra time. Stanislas then puts away a penalty before Hines makes it 3-1 at the death.

The match is largely overshadowed by some predictably over the top reporting in the national press. The Sun likens the goal-inspired pitch “invasions” to a “war zone”. Thousands of squaddies serving in Afghanistan are relieved to discover that their hard work is little more than the equivalent of the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks. Meanwhile a Daily Mail editorial comments on the effect that the whole event will have on house prices. Or asylum seekers. I expect.

There is terrible news from Bedfordshire where Calum Davenport is on the receiving end of an horrific knife attack that leaves the player “lucky to be alive” following a domestic incident.

On the transfer front, Alessandro Diamanti arrives from Livorno for an undisclosed fee. It later transpires that the fee has been paid by tapping up club sponsors SBOBet for some sponsorship money up front, following the refusal of the Straumur Group to release funds for transfers.

After a deadly dull 0-0 draw up at Blackburn, all eyes turn to the transfer window. On the way out are Savio to Fiorentina and Ginge Collins to Villa. The Savio deal ends an unhappy time for the “not a replacement for Belllamy” who has failed to settle in England. The deal is a bit complicated but we end up with defender Manuel Da Costa, some cash and a promise of further cash if/when Fiorentina sell Savio. What happened to all the air-miles chalked up by Savio's frequent trips home to Germany is unrecorded.

For the 2,779th time in five years, Eidur Gudjohnsen is linked with a move to the Boleyn. For the 2,779th time he fails to arrive.

September

The clubs much-delayed accounts are finally published showing losses of £37m in 2008 with administration only being avoided thanks to the goodwill of the Club's bankers.

Having missed the transfer deadline proper, the Club brings in a free agent in the form of Argentinian-born Mexican international Guillermo Franco. Disappointingly, Franco turns out to be a striker rather than a midfielder, thus denying those of us who write match reports the chance of including something about “midfield general Franco on the right wing”. We don't get out much around here.


Diamanti marks his debut (against Birmingham reserves) with a brace...

On the pitch, Wigan take full advantage of Alan Wiley's self-indulgent officiating. Emulating the similarly disgraceful Clive Thomas, Wiley blows for half time just as Carlton Cole nets what would have been an equaliser, having earlier allowed a stonewall penalty and red card offence to go unpunished when Hines is upended when clean through on goal. Diamanti goes close but Wiley takes all three points for Wigan.

We then lose a cracking game 3-2 at home to a cynical Liverpool side who plumb new depths for diving. A late Torres winner sends the visitors back with all three points despite them looking like the average mid-table team they are.

Silly defensive errors see us go out of the League Cup to bogey side Bolton, in a 3-1 extra-time defeat. Somebody called Dyer starts the match. Nobody called Dyer starts the subsequent league match up at Eastlands as Carlos Tevez nets a brace in our 3-1 defeat to Man City.

The month ends with the FA throwing a shedload of charges at both West Ham and Millwall. Millwall express disappointment at being charged, stating that the behaviour of their fans was praised by the media, who, presumably, must have been joining in with the racial abuse dished out to Carlton Cole then. And those 500 seats just ripped themselves out guv honest. By coincidence, 500 is roughly the number of ticketless fans allowed into the away end by the Met's finest, presumably on the grounds that the kiosks in the Sir Trevor had run out of lucky heather and clothes pegs.

October

In an attempt to reduce the sting from the FA charges, the Club prints loads of photos in the matchday programme of overweight drunks running on the pitch in celebration. A Cole header puts us 1-0 up against Fulham who then have a player sent off. Not for the last time we fail to capitalise and somehow go 2-1 down with only a late equaliser from Stanislas sparing the blushes. Thousands of supporters suffer fits as the team fails to work out how to use the extra man. BBC commentator Nigel Adderley suffers a real fit during the match and is taken to hospital but thankfully makes a full recovery.


West Ham on first at last! Crimewatch that is, not MotD...

Stramur deny that Eggert Magnusson could return and buy the club, adding that there are “no plans” for the sale of the club “at this time”. Thousands ask “why the hell not” but no reply is forthcoming.

The team loses away to Stoke for the first time in 26 years, an Upson goal being not enough to cancel out a pair from Beattie, the first coming from the spot after Etherington's blatant dive conned ref Atkinson. It turns into an eventful day for Upson who is felled from behind by a powerful right hook from behind by the cowardly Robert Huth. Huth later gets a three match ban for his efforts.

The soap opera behind the scenes continues as a consortium headed up by US businessman Jim Boew declares an interest in buying the club. Intermarket, as the consortium is known, is said to comprise West Ham supporters made good, though that's about as far as the information goes. Other names in the frame include Air Asia founder Tony Fernandes and Davids Sullivan and Gold.

There is another tv appearance for the club as footage from the Millwall League Cup match makes it onto Crimewatch. As the 15 minutes of fame for the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks goes well and truly into extra time, Crimewatch misses a trick by failing to answer some vital questions such as “Why did the Met reduce police numbers for the match? Why did the Met reduce the allocation of tickets for away fans, then let in at least 500 without tickets?” And, more importantly, “Why are we having to sit through footage of the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks instead of CCTV footage of Man Utd supporters wrecking the kiosks at Barnsley, stealing cash and forcing terrified staff to hide in storage cupboards?”.

Back on the pitch the team gain an unlikely point having gone in 2-0 down at half time at home to Arsenal. Cole and a Diamanti penalty level the scores whilst a late save by Green seals the point. The one down side of the match being the ludicrous dismissal of Scott Parker for committing precisely zero yellow card offences.

The tables are turned a week later as a halloween trip to Sunderland sees us throw away a 2-0 lead as 10 man Sunderland sneak a point, thanks in no small part to some of the worst diving seen outside Anfield. Steve Bruce may not be the most ignorant man in football but he hides it well as he bemoans Ilunga for getting Kenwyne Jones sent off whilst ignoring the thuggery of Cana and the diving of Malbranque.

And, as the month expires, the club receives a number of responses to the photographs of the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks. Most of these are asking if any of the photographs are of Kieron Dyer since nobody can remember what he actually looks like.

November

Another month, another tribunal decision. This time former boss Alan Curbishley wins a constructive dismissal case against the club after claiming that the transfer of certain players was undertaken without his prior agreement, thus breaching the terms of his contract. The rumoured payout is said to be £2-3m depending on which paper you read.

On the pitch, the month starts with a decent win at home over Villa. Noble opens the scoring with a spot-kick before the curse of incompetent refereeing raises it's ugly bald head once more – ref Steve Bennett deciding DaCosta's header was somehow a foul as former Hammer backed in. Rob Green saves Young's penalty only to be helpless as the same player levels the scores a few minutes later. Zavon Hines nets a late winner. Very late. It's not all good news though. Ilunga limps off with a hamstring problem after 7 minutes whilst, worryingly, the in-form Carlton Cole does the same only a few minutes later.

For the second season running we outplay Everton at the Boleyn. For the second season running we lose. This time Stanislas' effort is the consolation in a 2-1 defeat that sees us in the bottom three. Salt is rubbed into the wound with the late introduction by Everton of Lucas Neill who hasn't been replaced at the Boleyn.

Rumours of the impending retirement of Dean Ashton resurface as it transpires that he is, at best, further away from a return than ever.

David Sullivan is rumoured to have put together a bid to purchase half the club, a 50% stake being worth £40m. The report turns out to be a little premature.

We get a point from a bizarre 3-3 draw against Hull at the KC stadium. Goals from Franco and Collison give us a two goal lead until Mark Clattenburg starts to turn in what, even by his low standards, a dreadful performance. Awarding a string of free-kicks and a penalty for imaginary offences the woeful ref somehow turns the match around to give the home side a 3-2 half-time lead. DaCosta levels the scores but, as usual, despite the numerical supremacy we are unable to take all three points.


On his arse and out the door - Nigel Q...

A quick review of the news pages shows that someone called Nigel Quashie leaves on loan to Milton Keynes Dons, an event that causes mass rioting and violent protests in the streets. Of Milton Keynes.

If the Hull match was strange the following home match against Burnley strays into territory straight out of the Twilight Zone. We race into a 3-0 lead at half time through Collison, Stanislas and Cole (pen). Despite another injury to Cole, goals from Franco and Jiminez (pen) put us into a 5-0 lead on the hour, whereupon we appear to declare. Burnley score three goals in the last 15 minutes to leave most supporters grateful that there are only 90minutes in a match as long as Alex Ferguson isn't involved. Cole's knee injury turns out to be serious and ends his 2009.

December

As the ownership race hots up, we open the month with a 4-0 defeat at home to Man Utd. A decent enough first half is spoilt by a late goal for the visitors whilst the team disappears for the second half to concede three more. The sight is enough to make Rob Green throw up on the pitch whilst Zavon Hines spends five minutes hobbling about before being taken off at the interval. The injury turns out to be so serious that even pre-season 2010/11 looks optimistic for his return.

The world's worst secret is finally out with the sad news that Dean Ashton will have to retire. The extent of the player's problems become apparent as he makes a number of tv appearances in which, despite having spent the last few years in treatment and rehabilitation, it is clear that the player is still limping heavily. A sad day.

Back on the pitch we lose 1-0 up at Birmingham to a Lee Bowyer strike who, in keeping with the modern trend, refuses to celebrate his goal. There's a rare sighting of somebody called Kieron Dyer who manages to hit the post having come on as a second-half sub. It remains to be seen how much damage the 40-yard run has caused the player though.

We find out the answer to that question 20 minutes into the following match at The Reebok as somebody called Kieron Dyer leaves the match with a hamstring injury, presumably as a consequence of being unaccustomed to having to appear in two matches on the trot. We subsequently lose 3-1 to bogey side Bolton, with Rob Green having one of those awful games that he seems to reserve for matches against the Trotters.

A dismal performance from Liverpool at Pompey means that any defeat to Chelsea will mean we will be bottom at Christmas, the traditional death sign for Premier League clubs. So, just to be awkward, we pick up an unlikely but unsatisfactory point at home to Chelsea, the visitors gaining an undeserved share of the spoils thanks yet again to the incompetence and dishonesty of referee Mike Dean who has cost us so very many points over the years. This time he guesses that a fine tackle from Upson is a penalty which, just to make himself look big on tv, Dean orders to be taken three times. Other referees love Dean. Nobody else does.

Christmas sees a win and a defeat as Pompey are beaten 2-0 at the Boleyn before we lose two more players to the injury list as Parker and Ilunga hobble off inside 20 minutes as we go down 2-0 at Tottenham, whose current boss it is revealed, is facing criminal charges instigated by HM Revenue & Customs. Franco's 5th booking of the season in the match at Spurs leaves us without a single fit first-team striker going into the new year, where Arsenal await in the Cup.

So the year ends with us stuck in the relegation zone, with no strikers, no money with which to buy strikers, a transfer window approaching with speculation rife that the better players in the squad might be off. The ownership situation is still to be resolved, we have an injury list longer than Matt Le Tissier's nose and one of our best and most promising strikers of recent years has been forced to retire.

Still I got a nice jumper for Christmas so it wasn't all bad.

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