That Was The Season That Was 2009/10: Part 2

When we left things at the end of 2009, the club was broke, the owners were broke, we had no strikers, the transfer window was just about to open and we were in a relegation fight. Still there was always the cup to look forward to. Gordon Thrower takes a deep breath, sips a large brandy and looks at the period January-March in part 2 of his season review.....

January 2010

We set aside relegation worries for a week as Arsenal visit for the third round of the Cup. Rookies Nouble and Daprela make full debuts whilst Freddie Sears, recalled from the footballing desert that is Crystal Palace, is on the bench. Diamanti's late first-half strike gives a lead that lasts until the 78th minute when Song equalises. A few minutes later Eduardo sends the visitors through to the fourth round, allowing us to concentrate on the league.

The New Year starts with some rather inclement weather as a blanket of snow covers the country. Train companies the length and breadth of the land cancel services whilst Transport for London apologise for not being able to disrupt services to Upton Park in the usual manner. The home match against Wolves is postponed allowing further work on an injury list that, by now, includes Parker, Noble, Franco, Hines, Someone Called Dyer, Gabbidon, Cole, Gabbidon, Ilunga, Davenport, Hines, and Boa Morte.

The ownership situation takes an unexpected – and sad – turn as it is announced that Jim Bowe who is heading up the bid by Intermarket has died. Intermarket spokesman David Byrne (sadly not the Talking Heads frontman) resolves to carry on the bid in Bowe's honour. Intermarket are considered favourites to win by a number of newspapers. Others list Gold & Sullivan as favourites. That covers all of them then. Apart from those who say Tony Fernandes will prevail. They know their stuff these papers.


This bloke most definitely did not front a bid to buy West Ham

We haven't had a mention of overweight drunks for a while. The FA finds the club guilty of various crowd offences whilst the damage caused by Millwall to the STB stand and the racial abuse dished out to Carlton Cole are ignored. Strange set of priorities that lot at the FA. We still await the date of the commission looking into the violence at Barnsley v Man Utd but are not holding our breath.

With all the snow and stuff about there is little football of note so we all concentrate on the increasingly protracted ownership situation. Caligari president Massimo Cellino is the latest to be linked with a bid as Italian newspapers claim that a deal has already been done. This news is taken with a large dollop of salt by most observers who note that Italian newspapers are possibly even less principled than our own tabloids.

The team returns to action with a battling point up at Villa Park, the point taking us up to the dizzy heights of 16th place. Someone called Kieron Dyer got a nose bleed at the news, an injury that probably keeps him out for a few more matches.

The un-reality TV show “Hammer Idol” in which several contenders try to impress an Icelandic jury in an attempt to take ownership of the club, proceeds towards all too slowly towards a conclusion, as Air Asia boss Tony Fernandes gets voted off. His version of that song off “Titanic” fails to move the judges and Fernendes announces his withdrawal through something called “twitter”.


Fernandes: a right Twitter

Despite claims of optimism from the Intermarket group, ownership of the club is finally won by boy duo David Sullivan and David Gold. Although the winning deal gives SuGo (as they quickly become known) only a half share in the club, the duo are given total control for their money. The judges announce that they were impressed both by the duo's plans for the club's finances, their plans to keep developing the legendary Academy and by their brave take on Madonna's “Material Girl” during the auditions.

Barely is the ink dry on the sale agreement before SuGo appoint their old chum Karren Brady as vice-Chairman. Brady has been known to have suffered from “foot-in-mouth” syndrome in the past and she doesn't disappoint on arrival at the Boleyn. Following her bosses' confirmation that they intend to go for a move to the Olympic Stadium after 2012, Brady helpfully chips in with the suggestion that the club could be re-named “West Ham Olympic”. “Why, what a really good idea” nobody exclaims.

SuGo start to talk to the press. Gold lets it slip that he was once on the club's books as a schoolboy player and had been offered an apprenticeship with the club. This is something of which Gold is justifiably proud, though he seems strangely reluctant to mention it more than twice in each interview.

SuGo immediately go on the prowl in search of a striker or two to bolster the threadbare squad. Sullivan announces that an unnamed top European player has been offered a six-figure weekly sum to pitch in in the fight against relegation.

In amongst all the news emanating from SuGo, there is the quiet announcement that Nigel Quashie has left the club. For good. Forever. Thousands may possibly line the streets (we were busy that day so we couldn't make it to confirm) as Quashie tearfully bids farewell to supporters eager to give thanks for his contribution to the cause which, is accurately described as immeasurable. Quashie signs a deal to play for QPR, the club with which he started his career. The deal marks the end of an era, though advance orders of the new DVD “West Ham – The Quashie-era” are mysteriously said to be “sluggish”.

To nobody's great surprise, the first major non-playing casualty of the new regime is Chief Executive Scott Duxbury. Tersely-worded printed statements from both sides in which the parties wish each other all the best are published. Thousands may possibly line the streets as Duxbury tearfully bids farewell etc etc (we were busy that day too).

The new owners take time out from talking to the press and sacking people to pop down to Pompey to watch their new employees miss a hatful of chances as they draw 1-1. Add another to the long list of bad refereeing decisions as Andre Marriner ignores Boateng's elbow on Tomkins in the build-up to the home side's late equaliser.

The 2,780th linking of Eidur Gudjohnsen with a move to the Boleyn appears. This time the player is genuinely in talks with the club. However, for the 2,780th time Gudjohnsen fails to sign. It appears that, having been based for quite some time in the fiscally-friendly principality of Monaco, Gudjohnsen is keen to take advantage of some of the Spurs' manager's more innovative tax-planning ideas and he ends up warming the bench at White Hart lane for the rest of the season, rather than playing football.

On the way out is Luis Jiminez. Despite being told in pre-season that he was the sort of player around which it was intended that the team should be built, the Chilean has failed to make any sort of impact whatsoever and his loan period is cut short as he returns to Inter. The transfer window rush intensifies as Benni McCarthy has a falling out with the never-likeable Sam “Chips On Both Shoulders” Allardyce. Although a deal to take the player to the Boleyn for £2.5m is said to be close to completion, to absolutely nobody's surprise, Allardyce mislays his biro until after the two clubs have met in an uninspiring 0-0 draw up at Ewood Park. Once more the football is put into perspective by events off the pitch as it transpires that Julien Faubert has played 48 hours after learning of the death of his mother.

Other than that, January was a bit quiet.

February

Another three (yes count 'em three) strikers arrive. Allardyce finds his biro to sign the McCarthy papers and the 32 year-old South African is joined by Mido who comes in from Boro' via Egypt (one of the longer diversionary routes on the A1(M)). The third striker to arrive is Brazilian Ilan who has successfully negotiated a release from St Etienne where his chances have been limited by the success of Sarah Cracknell on lead vocals. Or something.

Ilan is on target up at Turf Moor as the team let in two silly goals and contrive to lose 2-1 to a poor Burnley side. McCarthy manages to miss a sitter and injure himself, whilst Mido, who it is claimed is on £1,000 a week, just settles for missing a sitter.

Sullivan then takes time out from not talking to the press to talk to the press suggesting that 25% pay cuts all round might be the order of the day in the event of relegation. Mido in particular takes a close look at his contract. Zola describes the comments as being “badly-timed” coming as they do just before a vital home match against Birmingham City.


Big mouth strikes again. And again.

The team win for the first time in ages beating SuGo's former club 2-0 with a stunning first-half free-kick from Diamanti and a second-half effort from Cole. Sullivan claims credit for his earlier “motivational” speech and promises to slaughter the players' first-born if they lose the next match.

The team make it two in a row with a 3-0 win over hapless Hull, who try the trick of having a player sent off to exploit our notorious vulnerability against ten men. It doesn't work and goals from Behrami, Cole and Faubert give us all three points.

It's back to reality in midweek as two from Rooney and the contractually-obliged goal from Michael Owen see us go down 3-0 in a lack-lustre visit to Old Trafford, a match for which Scott Parker is rested. Someone called Kieron Dyer comes on for the last 15 minutes.

March

Karren Brady orders a new supply of P45 forms from HM Revenue & Customs as technical director Nani is the latest to go. We are unaware of whether or not thousands were lining the streets as Nani bade his tearful farewell but we suspect not.

Bogey side Bolton take advantage of some amazingly lenient refereeing from Lee Probert to kick their way to a 2-1victory at the Boleyn with Diamanti netting the consolation.

Next to go is long-serving 'keeper coach Ludek Miklosko. No official explanation is given for the popular Czech's departure though rumours of ill-health abound. Whatever the reason for his going, his name lives on in the form of the famous “Ludo Miklosko Song” in which an ignorance of European geography rarely seen outside of the USA is displayed, as GPS-style accuracy is sacrificed in favour of the convenient rhyme of “Miklosko” with “Moscow”.

On the pitch and the terrible away record continued at Stamford Bridge where Chelsea were slightly flattered by a 4-1 win, Scott Parker's equaliser at 1-1 later going on to win the club's Goal of the Season. Someone called Kieron Dyer lasts just over an hour.

Someone called Kieron Dyer is nowhere to be seen as we make it three defeats on the spin in a 2-0 defeat to Arsenal. Diamanti misses a penalty at 1-0 and Arsenal play much of the second half with ten men having seen us play before but it takes a dubious penalty to enable the home side to wrap up the points in front of their usual bunch of trappist muppet supporters.


Yep, he's still alive... A rare sighting of the lesser-spotted Dyer.

The P45 stock takes another hit as the ill-fated Calum Davenport comes to agreement with the club over the termination of his contract. Kevin Hitchcock comes in as Ludo's replacement as goalkeeping coach at least until the end of the season. This sets a few tongues wagging as Hitchcock has previously worked with Mark Hughes, who is being touted as a possible replacement for Zola whose position is looking less than certain with every statement that comes from SuGo. And there are lots of those.

We are then treated to possibly the worst performance of the season as we go down 3-1 to a decidedly average Wolves side with Franco's late strike offering no consolation whatsoever. The 5th defeat in a row prompts an email from Sullivan to supporters expressing his anger at the “shambolic” and “pathetic” performance from the players. Sullivan's rant suggests that the players are not playing as a team, a comment with which it is hard to argue.

If Sullivan's comments are meant to be another of his “motivational” efforts they fail to work as we make it a record-equalling six defeats in a row, this time going down 1-0 to a deathly dull Stoke side. Much amusement is gained from the appearance of an extra row of advertising hoardings which have been installed to combat the long throws of Rory Delap – and presumably earn a few bob in the process. Later in the season some Stoke fans earn a refund as the extra hoardings blocked their view. My own application for a refund on the grounds that the hoardings didn't block my view of the match are, presumably, still in Ms Brady's in tray. For the Stoke fans who missed it, someone called Kieron Dyer lasted until half time before going off with a hamstring injury.

So we end this part of the review having lost six in a row, sitting outside the relegation zone only by virtue of having a better goal difference than Hull – who, worryingly have a game in hand. The new owners and the manager seem to be getting on as well as Israel and Palestine and who knows where the next goal – never mind point – is coming from. McCarthy has failed to make an impression anywhere other than as an indentation on the treatment table next to that occupied by Someone Called Kieron Dyer – whose treatment table probably has his name on it. Mido seems to have been drawing his reported £1,000 a week salary in the form of pies. And that nice jumper for I got for Christmas shrunk in the wash.

Still I bet it all turns out ok in the next part.


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