That Was The Season That Was 2009/10: Part 3

At the end of March we'd lost six in a row and were hovering just outside the relegation zone on goal difference. Worse still, Hull had a game in hand. Even worse, next up was a trip to in-form Everton. What could possibly go right? Gordon Thrower takes a final gulp from his oxygen tank as he concludes his look at the season just ended....

April

At last a respite from the seemingly endless run of defeats as the team comes away with a hard-earned point from Goodison Park. It was looking like one of those days as Behrami pulled up lame in the pre-match warm-up. Parker picks up an incorrect booking leaving him suspended for the next two. Bilyaledtinov puts the home side one up before we're handed a lifeline as Distin upends Cole when clean through. Ref Webb forgets the denial of goalscoring opportunity bit and fails to issue a red. Worse still Mido sees his weak penalty saved prompting suggestions that, even at £1,000 a week, he may be being overpaid. Things seem to improve after the interval as DaCosta bundles a corner in, only for things to go pear-shaped once more as Yakubu seems to have nicked the points again with an 85th minute header. However, a few minutes later the away section erupts as Faubert's fine cross and Ilan's equally fine diving header give us the point the performance deserves.

Ilan also makes the scoresheet the following week, getting the only goal of the match in the victory over Sunderland. Franco has a late second disallowed and the ref gives Bruce something to moan about by stopping the visitors taking a quick free-kick whilst the players were celebrating. Like Bruce ever needed an excuse to moan. Burnley's 4-1 win at Hull means that we are 4 points clear of the drop zone and, despite the general lousiness of the season to date, our goal difference is significantly better than the clubs around us. It's not often we've been able to write that over the years.

As a huge cloud of ash becomes the latest thing out of Iceland to mess up peoples' lives, that goal difference takes a hit with the annual defeat to the Anfield synchronised diving eleven. In truth the home side barely needed to call on their usual unsteadiness faced with a poor performance from a side who never looked like believing that they would get the Club's first win at Anfield since 1963. The crowd of 27,000 is attributed to the fact that the home support couldn't make it over from Norway due to the volcano.

The next match is a crunch one. Put simply, a win for us over Wigan and defeat for Hull should, barring a major hit to the goal difference, see us safe for another 12 months. So no pressure there then. Things start badly when a corner kick taken outside of the “D” confuses Spector enough for him to concede an own goal. 25 tense minutes then follow before Ilan pops up with another vital goal, converting Cole's cross and Kovac risks damage to his hairstyle by putting away a header from close range after Noble's free-kick has been parried by the 'keeper. 2-1 up at half time and all is well. Hull are 1-0 down and Bullard has missed a penalty. Good lad Jimmy! So far so good.


Too little, too late for Franco

Another illegal corner leads to an equaliser for Wigan which gets thousands of people consulting logarithm tables (if they still print such things) to see what effect our getting a single point will have on the league table. As the tension builds up to pressure cooker levels, Scott Parker decides to take control and buries a 25-yarder to give us all three points. The goal celebrations involve the players rushing to the touchline to Zola, whose diminutive figure disappears underneath a mound of claret and not nearly enough blue shirts. I can't help feeling they are trying to tell us something. Hull's defeat means that we have a six point advantage plus goal difference going into the last couple of games, all but safe.

In amongst all the statements of relief over the next few days Sullivan announces that the club will listen to offers for anyone in the squad, with the exception of Parker whose energies they intend to capitalise on by getting him to give the stadium a lick of paint, relay the playing surface and give the HMS Warrior model a quick polish during the close season. Confusingly, Gold states that the first priority will be for the club to keep hold of its best players and that, by the way, had he mentioned the fact that he was on the club's books as a kid. So that's all clear then.

The latest round of tribunal tribulations rears its ugly head. The deeply dodgy Mohammed Fayed and his cronies have been trying to claim compensation for their failure to finish a place or two higher in the league than they did during the “great escape” season. Fulham's legal bods had wanted the decision to go in their favour “on the nod” using the still unfathomable decision of the bonkers Lord Griffiths as a precedent. However, in possibly the first victory for common sense since the whole saga began, an independent tribunal tells Fulham to sling their hook and that, if they want compensation they'll have to prove their case, rather than relying on the ramblings of an insane madman. Lawyers in London order trebles all round.

The club makes a £4m bid for West Brom midfielder Graham Dorrans. The newly-promoted Baggies reject the bid out of hand. It comes as little surprise that the bid comes as a total surprise to Zola, having been handled by SuGo themselves. “I just found out in the newspaper” claimed Zola, adding, with reference to Sullivan's earlier “squad for sale” comments that he “wouldn't be very pleased” if he were Green, Noble, Behrami or any of the other players apparently up for sale. It is a mild comment but one that is to have major ramifications come the end of the season.

May

Back on the pitch the club finishes its travels for the season with yet another defeat, this time over at Fulham. Despite excellent vocal backing from the sold-out away section, many of whom have travelled by boat, goals from Cole and Franco are not enough to see us lose a poor match 3-2. The highlight of the game comes during the second half as a dinghy capsizes during the second half, prompting chants of “going down, going down, going down” from the away support.


Ever get that sinking feeling?

The following day, Wigan's late equaliser at Hull finally extinguishes all lingering chances of relegation making it mathematically certain that we will be in the Premier League next season. Sighs of relief temporarily divert the volcanic ash cloud somewhere else for a few days.

There's time for a spot of light relief as a Hammers XI beat an Academy All-Stars XI 5-1 in the much-delayed Tony Carr Testimonial match. Paulo DiCanio plays for both sides in front of a few shy of 14,000. Rio Ferdinand plays for half an hour alongside his brother and Joe Cole, some bloke whose Mum is a shoplifter and a fat bloke all turn up to pay their respects. Chelsea players add to the sighs of relief all round as they at least know where Terry is for 90 minutes.

The season comes to an end with something of a whimper with a 1-1 draw at home with Man City, the match itself resembling at times a continuation of the Tony Carr testimonial a few days earlier. Our goal comes from Luis Boa Morte who, you may recall, got injured in the very first part of this review a few thousand words ago.

Post match, Scott Parker picks up a whole clutch of awards, including Players' Player of the Year, Hammer of the Year, Goal of the Season and, probably, a Blue Peter badge. Performance of the Season goes to Faubert for his tour de force at home to Hull whilst Young Hammer of the Year is picked up by a hobbling Zavon Hines.

We finish in a disappointing 17th place, one place but five points clear of the relegation places. It could have been worse I suppose.

Luis Boa Morte lays into messrs. Sullivan and Gold with all the abandon of someone who knows his contract is up in a month or so, accusing the chairmen of a “lack of respect”. A trip to the headmaster's office leaves LBM with a sore bottom as a statement is released blaming everything on a “misunderstanding”.

The big question on everyone's lips is whether or not Zola will be staying. A brief meeting with Karren Brady provides the answer. To the surprise of nobody SuGo decide to dispense with Zola's services, saving themselves a reported £1.9m in compensation by dismissing the manager for “Gross Misconduct”. Zola's crime it seems was to make public comments that were critical of SuGo. Zola goes to the League Managers Association for advice. Legal action ensues. Lawyers order quadruples all round as they realise that they will soon be able to retire on the proceeds of West Ham-inspired tribunals.

SuGo take time out of sacking people to turn down a £10m bid from their former club Birmingham City for Carlton Cole. Cole gets some bad news as he discovers that he is out of the England squad having spent the second half of the season out of sorts following his injury. The good news is that Green and Upson are deservedly joined by Scott Parker in the preliminary 30. SuGo rush off to re hire the painter, pitch relayer and model boat polisher they'd previously sacked.

Thousands of Hammers put their season ticket renewal forms to one side for the time being as it is announced by Sky that the never-likeable Sam Allardyce is on a shortlist of four to replace Zola, the other three being odds-on favourite Avram Grant, Dave Jones and Ian Holloway. It later transpires that Jones, Holloway and Allardyce were mentioned as a response to a completely different question, that question hopefully being “name three managers you don't want to see in charge at the Boleyn”. Blackburn announce that they will strenuously resist any attempt to lure Allardyce away. Good.

Which sort of brings us up to date. At the time of writing we await the puffs of white smoke from the MDF towers declaring the arrival of a new manager. We await the arrival of a new kit, hopefully with blue sleeves, we await the arrival of some new players and we await news of Someone Called Kieron Dyer who, as I was writing this time last year, is still injured. Some things never change.

Have a good summer!

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