That was the season that was: part I

It wasn’t much fun was it. So spare a thought for Gordon Thrower. We’ve made him look back at the 2010/11 season for his now traditional end of season review. Part One takes us from the sun and rain in Austria to November blizzards in E13. Readers of a nervous disposition might care to go for a lie down or something...

Pre-season

With the owners having dispensed with the services of Gianfranco Zola and Steve Clarke at the close of 2009/10 all eyes are on who the new boss will be. Hot favourite is Portsmouth’s Avram Grant. Pompey issue a statement to the effect that they’d quite like him to remain and, by the way, could anyone spare the price of a cup of tea?

To nobody’s surprise Grant is appointed manager despite rumours of talks having taken place with Mark Hughes and Steve McLaren. The talks with McLaren fall through when the Daves realise that they can’t understand his accent. Dave S is particularly happy with Grant’s arrival: “He tells jokes and stories” says the co-Chairman, leaving us wondering whether we’ve signed a football manager rather than a panellist from “Mock The Week”.

SuGo announce ten “pledges” regarding the future of the club. One of these relates to the signing of players “hungry to do well”. Unfortunately, Benni McCarthy only hears the “hungry” bit and his lack of fitness costs him his place in the South African World Cup squad. That and an alleged habit of inviting female guests back to his hotel room. To join him for dinner presumably.

The first big signing of the summer is announced. Thomas Hitzlsperger, conveniently nicknamed “Der Hammer”, comes in after an unsuccessful spell at Lazio. His lack of first team football means that the Germans omit him from their World Cup squad which means that he won’t pick up the traditional pre-season injury that new signings are expected to endure.

Gianfranco Zola threatens legal action over his sacking. The club had claimed “gross misconduct” as the reason for the Italian’s dismissal, citing criticism of the Chairmen. The club’s argument is about as convincing as Benni McCarthy’s “I only had the salad” line at bill-splitting time and an out-of-court settlement is agreed.

Tony Carr is rewarded for “Services to Association Football” with a richly-deserved MBE having discovered and brought on a ridiculous number of top class professional footballers over the years. And John Terry.

The World Cup comes and goes. Rob Green has a bit of a ‘mare against the Septics and fails to appear after the first match. John Terry decides to disappear for the rest of the tournament, notably during the Germany match where Matty Upson gets the blame for failing to mark Terry’s man as well as his own. Elsewhere, Valon Behrami’s tournament lasts less than one match, with him missing Switzerland’s first match through injury and their third through having been sent off in their second.

The World Cup ends up in Spain who prevail against a Dutch side seemingly intent on seeing how far they can go before ref Howard Webb will take any action. Quite a long way as it turns out.

Meanwhile the traditional “genuine transfer rumours and in no way a cynical ploy to flog season tickets” season starts up with Hammers being linked with former Argentine international Riquelme who, to nobody’s surprise, ends up elsewhere. “Teenage striking sensation” (it says here) Neymar also fails to appear. Also on the season ticket renewal horizon are Nice striker Loic Remy and Mexican winger Pablo Barrera. Pablo makes it whilst Remy doesn’t. A French international does arrive though in the form of Freddie Piquionne who follows Grant from Pompey.

A pre-season tour of Southern Germany/Northern Austria sees wins over Borussia Monchengladbach and Panathanaikos, the latter victory taking place in rainfall of biblical proportions in Kizbuhel. The Kizbuhel match was attended by some amusingly loud Greeks and a goat. Nobody gets injured and your site’s editors enjoy a pleasant few days in Salzburg in the few days leading up to the Panathanaikos match. The World Cup contingent are rested for the matches and sit about looking bored in the rain. Tellingly, Valon Behrami shows all the signs of somebody who would rather be anywhere else.

We get home to discover that Spurs have decided to give the world of football a laugh by unveiling a new strip that is part football kit part sailor’s uniform.


Tottenham Hotspur 2010/11

Our kit, on the other hand, meets with general murmurs of approval, the good people at Macron having hit on the revolutionary idea of having a claret body with blue sleeves as the home design. What will they think of next?

More transfer news and the place is buoyed by the announcement of the imminent arrival of Ajax winger Sulemanjani on loan. This one is definitely happening, unlike the arrival of underwear salesman David Beckham, whose people deny all knowledge of any talks between the parties before making a desperate plea for people to buy his missus’ latest single. The definitely on, no question, it really is happening, loan of Sulemanjani collapses when a work permit fails to materialise, the club rather stupidly having described his occupation as “professional footballer” rather than “plumber” on the application form.

Rumours abound over Spurs interest in Scott Parker. Harry denies ever having spoken with the player adding “anyway he didn’t want to be seen dead in our sailor uniform kit”. Grant makes himself at home by bringing in Tal Ben Haim on loan from Pompey whilst “New Zealand World Cup Star” Winston Reid arrives from his homeland of, er, Denmark.

Der Hammer is recalled to the German national squad where he features in the 2-2 draw with Denmark before doing a hamstring, thereby negating all the good work he’d done in avoiding the World Cup. “Out for at least a month” was the official word. That turned out to be true. Sort of.

August 2010

Der Hammer misses a debut against former club Villa which turns into a complete shambles. Despite being completely overrun we manage to hold out for an hour until our old friend Mike Dean, fed up with all the missed chances allows a clearly offside goal to stand. Villa add two more for luck.

Next Bolton visit the Boleyn and Kevin Davies maintains tradition by pushing Upson to the floor and delivering a kick to the defender’s head which not only caused an own goal but also left the player with a face so misshapen that some thought we’d signed Peter Beardsley. Cole’s earlier missed penalty in a half we’d bossed proves costly as we go down 3-1.

A virtual second XI leaves it ridiculously late to beat Oxford United 1-0 in the League Cup the goal coming through Scott Parker (who is probably capable of playing for the first and second XI’s simultaneously).

As the window closes Alessandro Diamanti departs for Brescia. Despite his reputation as being the “Happy Shopper” version of Paolo DiCanio, Diamanti goes on to win full international recognition in his homeland. Funny old game innit.

Coming in the other direction is Inter winger Victor Obinna, a Nigerian international who had been linked with Everton until work permit problems put paid to the move. It seems that the officials thought that the application was a joke, refusing to believe that anyone on Merseyside would actively seek permission to work. Having learned our lesson, we write “plumber” in on the application form this time round and permission is granted for the player to join us.

Up at Old Trafford its business as usual as, aided by the obligatory dubious penalty we go down to the mob from Salford. Traffic backs up for 30 miles on the M6 as everyone heads home to London post match.

Deadline day arrives and is more notable for what didn’t happen. Carlton Cole failed to go to Liverpool with Ryan Babel failing to come in the other direction despite being simultaneously seen at home, in his car and in a helicopter. Fabio Daprela joins up with Diamanti at Brescia on a free as the exodus of signings made under the previous regime continues.

Pascal Chimbonda doesn’t come from Blackburn but Lars Jacobsen does. Every Everton player with a surname starting with the letter “Y” has talks with the club but no deals are done. The mysteriously “injured” Valon Behrami fails to hobble off to Serie A. Most importantly, despite having had no talks whatsoever with Harry Redknapp, (usually a sign of an imminent transfer) Scott Parker stays.

September 2010

We are treated to one of David Sullivan’s “motivational” speeches in the Sunday tabloids as he bemoans a lack of effort from “a few of the foreign players who wanted to leave during the deadline”. Behrami wonders who on earth Sullivan could be referring to. Or should that be “who else”. In case anyone was labouring under the misapprehension that the season had started back in August, Sullivan informs us that “the season starts on October 2nd with the Fulham game.

The results keep coming – mostly bad. Some comedy defending sees us go down 3-1 to a very average-looking Chelsea side despite our having the better of the second half. Behrami makes his first appearance of the season having not gone to Roma (or recovered from a “mystery groin strain” as the official line put it).

We finally get our first point of the season with a hard-fought 1-1 draw at Stoke with Scott Parker netting for the Irons. Avram Grant and Tal Ben Haim miss the match having decided to observe the Jewish religious holiday of Yom Kippur.

There’s a bit of good news as Scott Parker signs a new contract that will keep him at the club until 2015. Unless of course we do something stupid like undergoing a relegation that means we have to sell.

The team are back in action up at the Stadium of Light where Fred and Vic goals give us a 2-1 League Cup win against Sunderland. It’s the first away win of any sort since the big bang started and the resulting dust coalesced into stars and planets. Or Wolves away on the opening day of 2009/10 if you prefer.

Tottenham’s sailor boys turn up in port and Fred’s header is enough to give us a 1-0 win over Spurs. Well that and some decent saves from Rob Green who marked his return to form with a few celebrations in front of the slack-jawed acne-ridden dandruff-wearing away support. Kieron Dyer hobbles off at half time having picked up an injury. At least I think it was this game - there have been so many.

October 2010

David Sullivan’s season starts with a scrappy 1-1 home draw with Fulham, Piquionne netting the equaliser after Dempsey's opener.

Mid October sees the sad passing of Malcolm Allison. Allison, of whom Bobby Moore was known to have said “he taught me all I know” was credited with many of the tactical innovations adopted by the Hammers in the 50's, experience he put to good use in a successful managerial career, particularly at Man City where, in particular, his spell in tandem with the avuncular Joe Mercer saw them win both domestic and European honours.

Allison’s somewhat colourful life away from football often overshadowed his undoubted talents as a coach and his latter years were spent in a sad battle against the twin problems of alcoholism and dementia before he passed away in a nursing home at the age of 83. RIP.

Someone finally notices that it's been nearly two months since Der Hammer was ruled out of the team for a month. Avram Grant confirms that Hitzlsperger's injury will take a bit longer – four months longer to be exact. That pre-season curse had the last laugh after all.

Back on the pitch Hammers pick up another point at Molineux, the two extra points for the win being taken away by ref Clattenburg who hallucinated a Freddie Piquionne handball that didn't happen. The defeat leaves the side at the bottom of the league.

A lifetime’s ambition is realised as Tony Carr MBE arrives at the Palace to pick up his gong. “I’ve always wanted to meet you” Her Majesty is heard to say before going on to ask about the merits of 4-3-3 and the whereabouts of Kieron Dyer. As the photographs of the ceremony are beamed all over the world, millions ask “Who’s the old dear with Tony Carr MBE?”

Meanwhile the propensity for professional footballers to put themselves into troublesome positions outside the game rears its depressingly ugly head once more as Manuel DaCosta finds himself under arrest for common and sexual assault following an incident at Faces nightclub which surely ought to be no.1 on the “stay away from” list for any player with aspirations of a career at the top.

Things don’t improve on the pitch as we play Newcastle off the park for 20 minutes, take the lead then pack up and go home in the mistaken belief that the job is done. Whilst we’re all at home with our feet up in front of the lottery show, Newcastle score twice to leave us bottom and three points from safety.

At least the League Cup is proving a welcome distraction as the side recovers from going a goal down early on to dispatch of Stoke 3-1 AET. However normal service is resumed a few days later as we go down 1-0 to a very late Arsenal goal at the library.

November 2010

The month starts with the news that Mark Noble has an “abdominal problem”. This sounds very much like a euphemism to us and so it transpires – though quite why anyone should be shocked by the word “appendicitis” in this day and age we never quite discovered. Meanwhile Kieron Dyer is seen slapping his own forehead for not having thought of that particular one before.

We trek up the M40 for an away match at Birmingham. I say “we” David Gold doesn’t make the trip as he’s been declared “persona non grata” by his former club as a result of comments made about Birmingham vice-chairman Peter Pannu. Some sort of spat about Gold being offered the chairman’s role then having the offer withdrawn. Or not, depending on which version you believe.

In the match itself we take a 2-0 lead through Piquionne and Behrami and Obinna hits the bar before we concede second half goals from Jerome & Ridgewell to take home one point instead of the three we might have had. This is not the last time in the season that we are to throw a lead away.

We draw 2-2 again a few days later, this time at home to West Brom who take full advantage of the fact that Mike Dean is yet again in the mood to make things up as he goes along, this time awarding a penalty for a mystery foul by Boa-Morte. A 25 yard effort from Parker and a Piquionne penalty awarded for a foul on someone called Dyer put us 2-1 up before Albion equalise with 20 minutes left to play.

About a million chances at both ends go begging as we somehow draw 0-0 with Blackpool. Ok I exaggerate. It was only some 937,000 chances. Ex-Hammer Marlon Harewood misses a sitter from inches away. It seems strange watching him do that in somebody else’s shirt. Equally unsurprising was another injury for Kieron Dyer. Having looked half decent against West Brom, a match in which he somehow managed to last 90 minutes, the chances of him getting through a second match without some sort of trauma were similar to your six numbers coming up on the lottery. Twice. In Succession. Predictably Dyer lasts about a quarter of an hour before hobbling off with some injury or other.

We go up to Anfield. They dive a lot. We lose 3-0. The Kop do a marvellous impression of Arsenal supporters – red, white and silent. Note to editor – please feel free to cut and paste the last few lines into the end of season review for the next time we’re up there. After all I’ve just done the same for every review since 1963.

Avram Grant, already reeling from Karren Brady’s vote of confidence, is placed under more pressure by conflicting messages from the management. Brady insists that “only weak-minded people press the panic button”. Meanwhile SuGo decide that the next match at home to Wigan is worthy of the marketing slogan “Save Our Season”.

Before the Wigan match Brady also points out that “blaming other people is not always the right answer” before sacking Grant’s assistant Zeljko Petrovic amidst rumours of the coach’s unpopularity amongst the squad. Petrovic sniffily departs voicing his opinion that German football is much better anyway before heading off in the general direction of Japan.

Petrovic is replaced by Wally Downes, the former Wimbledon player who scores immediate brownie points for once having threatened to remove Neil “Colin” Warnock’s head from the rest of his body. We win the Wigan match 3-1 with goals from Behrami, Obinna and Parker. Green saves yet another penalty thus ensuring that our season is officially saved.

The month ends with a League Cup tie against Man Utd. Prior to the match it’s fair to say that few are overjoyed at the news that a start will be given to Jonathan Spector. However, 90 minutes later two goals from the American and a further brace from Carlton Cole see us run out 4-0 winners in blizzard conditions. Amazingly Scotty Parker does not feature in the match having been rested. Something to point out to the annoying bloke with the shiny brand-new Moan Utd shirt that almost certainly inhabits your local hostelry (unless you happen to live in Manchester of course).

So a lousy start to the season. However it’s been officially saved by a 3-1 win at home to Wigan and the possible future champions have been slaughtered 4-0 by our reserves. And, although Kieron Dyer is still injured it can surely only be a matter of days before we see Der Hammer back in the side. Part two of this review will be just brilliant. Won’t it?

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