That was the season that was: part II

Gordon Thrower continues his look through the 2010/10 season. He's suffered and now it's your turn....

December 2010

When we last left things we’d just beaten Wigan in a match that we were promised would “Save Our Season”. We then went on to beat Man Utd 4-0 in the League Cup. Ok we're still bottom but with an away trip to Sunderland coming up there’s surely room for a spot of cautions optimism isn’t there? Especially as Wolves’ 3-0 defeat to Blackburn gets us off the bottom of the league in advance of our trip to the Stadium of Light.

We lose 1-0 at Sunderland and return to the bottom on goals scored. So much for optimism.

Manchester City are next to visit the Boleyn. Manchester City are also the next to leave with all three points with a 3-1 win, the low point being what was effectively an og from Rob Green as a Toure shot rebounds off the post and off the luckless ‘keeper. James Tomkins nets a consolation header.

Rumours start to fly about in the newspapers, and also The Sun, that Grant’s future at the club is measurable in games rather than years, the number being three. The message emanating from our old chum “an unnamed insider” is that Grant has been told that unless he wins one of the next three matches it’ll be P45 time.

Our next attempt to win on the road for the first time since television was in black & white involves a trip to Blackburn Rovers who have recently parted company with Sam Allardyce about whom little has been heard of since. The first clue that a transfer window may be about to open is spotted as Valon Behrami realises how nippy it is and pulls up lame in the pre-match warm-up. The comically-named Ruud Boffin, fresh from his role in “Carry On Up The Laboratory” stands in for the injured Rob Green in goal as a Junior Stanislas equaliser gains us a point at Ewood. Creditable though the point is it’s not enough to haul us off the bottom at Christmas which, traditionally, spells relegation for the team concerned. Still, those of us who like to clutch at straws point out that the one team to avoid the drop having been bottom at yuletide did have a name beginning with the word “West”.

I spend Christmas Day under a duvet on the sofa at my parents’ house shivering with a bout of gastric flu and a temperature approaching that found in the middle of the Large Hadron Collider when it’s working at full tilt, whilst the rest of my family have a good time over at my brother’s place. This, of course is of no real relevance at all for West Ham’s season but I just thought you ought to know how much I was suffering at the time – in case what I remember of the next match was actually some fever-inspired hallucination rather than a genuine occurrence.

I huddle under the duvet in front of the box as we win 3-1 away at Fulham. Yes an away win. Really. This is such an unlikely occurrence that Steven Hawking is forced to completely reassess his equations relating to how the universe works. After a first goal in 5 years from Aaron Hughes gives the home side an early lead, the space-time continuum is thrown into all sorts of confusion as two goals from Carlton Cole either side of a Freddie Piquionne volley give us three points on the road for the first time since there was something decent to watch on the box on a Saturday night.

The four points thus far over Christmas aren’t enough, however, to dampen the rumours over Grant’s future. The rumours continue to rumble in the background much in the same manner as your correspondent’s stomach is doing.

Buoyed by an away win we go on to take the lead against Everton against whom a number of squad players are fielded. One of these, Radoslav Kovac, messes up a scissors kick prompting a Tony Hibbert own goal. However, Herita Ilunga hobbles off injured in the first half, never to be seen again amidst dark rumours suggesting the player might not actually be quite as young as his birth certificate suggests. Everton equalise through Seamus Coleman and three points are turned into one once more in another “wine into water” exercise.

The year ends with Grant confirming that Villa midfielder Steve Sidwell will definitely be arriving in the first week of January 2011. Definitely.

January 2011

We start the New Year with our semi-decent form continuing, defeating fellow strugglers Wolves 2-0 at the Boleyn. A comedy own goal from Wolves’ Zubar has us all in stitches as, deceived by Carlton Cole’s failure to tap-in from two feet the ball rebounds off the hapless defender and into the net from three. A late Freddie Sears goal seals the points and lifts us up out of the bottom three for the first time in four months.

We venture to the North-East full of confidence from the recent spell of form. We return with that confidence shattered as all the good work of the festive period is undone as Newcastle take all the chances they create as we put in a performance that scores high on the gutless-o-meter. Matthew Upson publicly apologises for the performance up at St James’ Park. “Sorry” says the skipper before adding “is my contract up yet?”

The rumblings over Grant’s future get louder as we all notice that that Sidwell chap appears to have got lost en route between Birmingham and E13. It transpires that he’s signed a permanent deal with Fulham. Karren Brady makes suitable “we didn’t want him anyway” noises in her weekly column in The Sun.

Upson is on the bench as we play Barnsley off the park in the first half to take a 1-0 lead in the 3rd round of the Cup. However, as is becoming depressingly common, the second half is a different story and the visitors give a good account of themselves before a late Piquionne second puts us through to the 4th round. Post match, when asked to comment on the Sidwell situation Grant has a dig at his boss saying “maybe I’ll comment on it in my newspaper column”.

Having got rid of the Salford mob , we find ourselves in the semi-final of the League Cup. Things are going well when we play Birmingham City off the park in the first half. However, things turn ever so slightly pear-shaped in the second half. City equalise and Obinna is sent off for a petulant Beckham-esque kick out at Sebastiene Larsson. However the lead is restored as Carlton Cole adds to his impressive list of comedy goal incidents. City ‘keeper Ben Foster, clearly expecting a shot from Cole rather that the complete cock-up that actually occurred somehow manages to let the ball squirm into the net to give the Irons a slender lead to take into the second leg. Cole’s post-match interview is something of a revelation: “I didn’t strike the ball cleanly” Carlton helpfully informs us, adding “I think Ben Foster helped carry it over”. Really Carlton? D’ya think? Cole goes on to cause apoplexy amongst lexicographers and English teachers up and down the country by introducing the world to the new adjective “overchuffed” to describe his emotions at the end of the match.

Lest we forget, the transfer window is still open and in comes 30 year-old Wayne Bridge on loan from Man City to fill the problem left-back role. Bridge is set to make his debut against Arsenal in a match that Sky are claiming will definitely be Grant’s last. Sky’s David Craig (isn’t he the bloke who played James Bond?)(No, that was Sean Connery – ed) claims that an unnamed insider within the club (yup him/her again) has sent him a text saying that Martin O’Neill has been asked to take over. The rumours see the odds on O’Neill plummet to 2/1 ON, despite The Guardian announcing that their particular “senior board member” has advised them that Grant “won’t be sacked today”.

Not only does nobody outside the club have a clue as to what’s going on but it appears that nobody inside has much of a clue either and the boardroom is the one place leakier than our defence.

On the pitch we go down 3-0 at the Boleyn to Arsenal, Bridge having a ‘mare of a debut, including giving away a penalty in a performance described as “the sort of thing you’d expect from someone who had spent the previous night out on the tiles with a female member of a popular beat combo”

Meanwhile, Brady hits back at Grant in her Sun column claiming that she has no involvement in team affairs. Brady goes on to attribute criticism of her using her Sun column to air the club’s dirty washing in public as "sexism". Perhaps I should have used a metaphor other than the one relating to laundry just then.

The confusion off the pitch continues. The Daily Telegraph claims that Martin O’Neill is about to accept the manager’s job whilst other rumours suggest that Sam Allardyce is now also in the frame. Yeah like THAT would happen. Sources close to O’Neill suggest that the Irishman is “furious” over the way that his potential involvement has been leaked left right and centre by persons within the club. O’Neill is later seen buying a barge-pole with which he intends to not touch the job. As a result the board issue a statement backing Grant. Notably, it’s a statement that lacks any hint of permanence.

In a busy month for Brady, she is next accused by the Daily Mirror of having sent texts to players advocating the removal of Grant as boss. The club angrily denies any such texts have been sent and m’learned friends in the legal profession have a quiet word with the men in the Mirror.

It’s also a busy month for m’learned friends in the criminal side of the legal profession as Manuel DaCosta is formally charged with a common and sexual assault charges over last year’s trip to Faces.

A move to the Olympic Stadium becomes a little more likely, despite a late bid by Tottenham to hijack the deal by coming up with a proposal that involves demolishing the stadium and shoving athletics over to the National Sports Centre at Crystal Palace. Nobody within athletics is overimpressed by Spurs’ promise to send over a few tins of Dulux to tart-up the crumbling NSC stadium and the North Londoners hopes of moving somewhere a lot nicer are dealt a further blow as Crystal Palace announce their own plans for the venue.

Another hurdle is cleared (see what I did there) as Newham Council approves the obtaining of a £40m loan to be granted to the joint venture company to be set up by the club and the council to convert and run the stadium if the deal is approved.

After all the furore about Grant, Brady and the Olympic Stadium it comes as something of a relief to get back on the pitch as the side are denied another away win by a late equaliser in a 2-2 draw up at Everton. Jonathan Spector and Freddie Piquionne give us a 2-1 lead late on before yet more shoddy refereeing from Peter Walton sees Piquionne dismissed for celebrating a goal. The ten men can’t hold out and Felliani’s late equaliser leaves us wondering once more what might have been.

More transfer news as the club seem set to sign Dember Ba in from Hoffenheim. Ba, who had previously failed a medical at Stoke, looks like coming in on loan. The club celebrates by offering free printing on all shirts bearing the striker’s name, a bout of generosity strangely absent at the time the Hitzlsperger deal was announced.

Barry Hearn, never one to miss an opportunity to make a few bob, becomes the latest person to try to profit from the Olympic Stadium move. Hearn moans that a move to the Stadium by another club could put his lot out of existence. A little bit like when Clapton Orient took over Leyton FC’s ground at Brisbane Road then. Hearne’s stance is shown up for the quick-buck grabber it is when it transpires that he has previously written to the Olympic authorities giving his full backing for Spurs’ plans to move there. Funny that.

Meanwhile the shy, retiring Karren Brady makes a rare foray into the public eye as a major row erupts at Sky Sports where Richard Keys and Andy Gray are caught making sexist comments about female linesmen and Karen Brady on an open mic. “Karren Brady? Do me a favour love” Keys is heard to moan shortly before expressing astonishment that the female gender is actually allowed to vote. “There’ll be one in as Prime Minister before you know it” he prophesises. Gray is sacked as other examples of sexist behaviour are revealed and Keys eventually resigns.

It gets a bit busy on the transfer front. The Ba deal is put on hold whilst some sort of insurance wrangle is sorted out. It is believed that half the board want to use the service provided by the fat bloke that sings “Go Compare” whilst the other half preferred the little telephone on wheels that plays a tune. Meanwhile, O’Neil finally arrives at the Boleyn. That’s Gary rather than Martin (who has another “L” anyway. Or is it the other way round?). The midfielder comes in on a permanent deal worth a reported £1.5m.

The second leg of the League Cup semi-final finally comes round and a really good goal from Carlton Cole that contains absolutely no comedy elements whatsoever puts us 3-1 up on aggregate. However Birmingham go all long ball in the direction of freakishly tall forward Zigic and, aided by yet another substandard Howard Webb performance, the home side end up 3-1 winners and we have to look to the proper Cup for a hope of Wembley.

The hairy and bald combo of Keys and Gray turn up on the intelligence-free zone that is TalkSport radio. Keys complains that he’s tried to call Brady to apologise for his remarks but that she wouldn’t return his calls. Brady points out that she was otherwise occupied – “perhaps I was doing the washing up when he called” she quips, proving that Avram Grant is not the only stand up comedian in the club.

Perhaps wary of getting on the wrong side of the missus, Paul Peschilolido (that’s Mr Karren Brady to you) claims that the deal whereby SuGo took over the club was purely the result of his wife’s genius.. Well that and SuGo’s money presumably.

Meanwhile things get even warmer on the move front. In a move that comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody Valon Behrami’s latest injury heals up instantaneously the second the ink dries on the contract ratifying his move to Fiorentina. The club strike out a deal with Spurs to take out of favour Robbie Keane on loan until the end of the season on the proviso that we sign him permanently if we stay up. Dember Ba finally completes his on-off deal, the original loan arrangement becoming a permanent deal with payments depending on how many appearances his dodgy knee allows him to make.

We return to FA Cup action and are slightly flattered by a 3-2 win over Nottingham Forest who at one stage lead 2-1. Our goals come from an unusual Victor Obinna hat-trick, his first being an accidental deflection from a Mark Noble effort, his second being a Konchesky-esque mis-hit cross from the ouchline and his third coming from the penalty spot.

Transfer deadline day finally comes and goes and the most notable event of the day is the turning down of a £10m bid from Spurs for Scott Parker.

As usual a quiet January then.

February 2011

As is now the rule the club announces its 25 man squad for the rest of the season. Benni McCarthy and Herita Ilunga both miss out and it appears that they have both played their last matches for the club. It is reported that McCarthy has been offered £1m and all the pies he can eat to cancel his contract and go away. McCarthy refuses the deal saying “that’s not enough pies”.

Some good news for Dean Ashton at last as the unlucky striker manages to prise an “undisclosed amount” from the FA as an out of court settlement for the injury that ultimately ended his career. The club’s own claim for compensation is still ongoing.

Victor Obinna’s hot streak continues as the club make it two away wins in a season, beating Blackpool 3-1 up at Bloomfield Road. Steven Hawking goes back to the drawing board as Hammers move off the bottom once more. However it’s back to the bottom as Wolves beat Man Utd and we go down to a disappointing 1-0 defeat at home to Birmingham despite dominating the 90 minutes.

Meanwhile there’s more shenanigans as it is revealed that Julien Faubert – once, lest we forget, of Real Madrid, is facing a fine for disappearing during the defeat to Birmingham. No, I mean really disappearing, as in leaving the ground. Although not selected for the original squad, a pre-match warm-up injury to James Tomkins meant that there will be a spare place on the bench. However, it transpires that Faubert has already left for home, citing an unwell child in mitigation.

The Olympic Legacy people finally come to their long-delayed decision to award the club the stadium after all the drug tests have finished in 2012. It’s not a good day for Spurs as Harry Redknapp inexplicably fails to convince the courts that the tax evasion charges against him ought to be thrown out despite giving his word that everything was above board and legal. For some strange reason the courts prefer to believe that the evidence supplied by HM Revenue & Customs at the very least demands an explanation. That’s one explanation rather than the three different ones given so far.

An incredible match takes place at the Hawthorns.
A terrible first half defensive performance sees us go into the break 3-0 down with Winston Reid in particular looking for all the world as if he’s been plucked from the obscurity of, oh, say the New Zealand international squad, and plonked straight into the Premiership. The second half is, however, a different matter as goals from Ba (2) and Cole level the scores to rescue a point .
Post match, it transpires that Avram Grant has left the half time team talk to Scotty Parker, presumably on the grounds that all those funny stories and jokes that SuGo went on about when they appointed him might just have been deemed to be inappropriate at the time.

We take a night off from league woes to beat Burnley 5-1 to qualify for the FA Cup quarter finals. The biggest news of the night is the long-awaited debut of Hitzlsperger who gets the two biggest cheers of the night, the first when his name is announced pre-match the second, when he puts away a 30 yard screamer at the Sir Trevor End. Carlton Cole adds to his comedy goal tally by completely over-hitting his first touch of a Noble through ball before sliding in the loose ball after the 'keeper fails to gather. Cole then adds a second, though his dipping volley isn't nearly as funny as his first. Winston Reid and Freddie Sears complete the scoring, Wayne Bridge and Rob Green add to the comedy goals tally for the season by getting in a tangle to gift Burnley a consolation.

Not so good news for David Gold who is taken to hospital with blood poisoning. As a result he misses a cracker of a game as goals from Parker, Ba and Cole give us a 3-1 win at home to Liverpool. It's arguably our best performance in the league of the season and one that pumps up the mood of optimism in the camp. It probably does Gold the power of good as well.

Steve Lomas is appointed as reserve team boss. The former player, who spent the better part of nine years as a Hammer, replaces Alex Dyer who is off to help another former Hammer, Chris Powell, at Charlton. Benni McCarthy also has talks over a possible move to Charlton but once more is seen wandering away muttering “that's not enough pies.”

So February ends with the team through to the quarter finals of the Cup and with a good win over Liverpool under the belt good times are just around the corner.

Aren't they?


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