That was the season that was: part III

Gordon Thrower’s just been carried away kicking and screaming in the general direction of the Priory clinic. Before he departed he left us this, the final part of his review of the season. Those of a nervous disposition are probably supporting the wrong club...

March 2011

The month opens with another of those involved in the Olympic Stadium process ratifying the decision to let us take the place over in a few years’ time when the last of the egg & spoon races is done. Mayor Of London Boris Johnson, whose previous involvement in the beautiful game consisted of upending a German with a horror tackle in a charity match, is the latest to rubber-stamp the decision commenting that the move will provide a “a fantastic multi-use venue at the heart of the community." as well as being “one in the eye for all those oiks from North London” (probably).


"Take that you bounder"


The team warms up for the FA Cup trip to Stoke with a comprehensive 3-0 home win against the Potters, goals from Ba, Da Costa and a netbuster from Der Hammer giving us all three points. The win gets us out of the bottom three and gets David Gold out of hospital following his recent illness.

Another invalid on the move is someone called Kieron Dyer who is loaned out to Ipswich Town for a month. “The change of scenery will do me good” claims Dyer, though surely one treatment room looks much like another?

Having been outplayed at football Stoke decide to abandon all pretence at playing the game. A combination of thuggery, diving and one of the most appalling refereeing performances ever seen from an official not called Dean sees the home side prevail 2-1 in the Cup quarter final. Stoke’s two goals come from illegal blocks which they later admit they spend time working on in training. However it’s Avram Grant that gets hit with a misconduct charge when he agrees that the actions of referee Mike Jones might have had an influence on proceedings. Jones spends the whole of the second half awarding dubious decision after dubious decision to the home side, culminating in the awarding of a free kick against James Tomkins when thug Robert Huth hauls him to the ground in the box late on. Few are upset when Stoke eventually get their comeuppance in the final. Anti football at its worst.

Talking of disgraceful referees, Mike Dean he makes himself the centre of attention at White Hart Lane by making Gareth Bale change his white undershorts (which are a different colour from the black bits of his kit shorts) for a pair of black undershorts (which turn out to be a different colour from the white bits of his kit shorts). Say what you like about Dean but he certainly knows how to stamp out on the major issues that threaten this fine game of ours. Except, of course, for those that actually matter. In the match itself Rob Green plays an absolute blinder as the home side are held to a creditable 0-0 draw. So long and thanks for the four points then.

Put out by their failure to beat Robert Green, Spurs call for a judicial review of the match claiming that the ‘keeper was “trying too hard” and that the change in Bale’s undershorts had a material effect on the result of the match. I think there was some stuff in there as well about the Olympic Stadium but I was too busy yawning to notice.

April 2011

The month opens with a report that the Boleyn Pub is to be moved brick by brick to the Olympic site. Spurs call for a judicial review on the grounds that it ought to be moved brick by brick to Crystal Palace instead before anyone realises that it’s an April Fool’s joke. It is of course the Duke Of Edinburgh that is to be moved brick by brick.

Another poor refereeing performance hands Man Utd a 4-2 win at the Boleyn. We go into the interval 2-0 up courtesy of two Noble penalties. The second half is a different story as ref Lee Mason takes over. Vidic is lucky to be on the pitch after committing a string of yellow and (at least one straight red) card offences. A Rooney hat-trick courtesy of a free-kick awarded following a dive and a penalty for a ball hit at Upson from behind from two feet. Hernandez adds a fourth whilst ref Lee Mason takes home the match ball. Rooney says something very rude into a camera after one of his goals but Mason is more restrained in his celebrations.

Avram Grant is given a two match ban from the touchline for querying the performance of ref Mike Jones in the Stoke match. Meanwhile Jones escapes punishment for a 90 minutes that was at best incompetent and at worst dishonest. (FA please note: I pay for my season ticket so you can’t ban me from the touchline).

Charges against Hammers’ fan Robert Mortimer for violent disorder at the infamous 2009 Millwall League Cup match are dropped as it transpires that footage of the terrifying assault perpetrated by the back of his head on an innocent Metropolitan Police truncheon might just clear him of any wrongdoing. Mortimer was unavailable for comment though his comedy sidekick Vic Reeves was heard to say “Strange – I thought he was a Boro’ fan”. The Met refuse to comment as to why they have taken 18 months to reach a decision that should have taken 18 seconds to make, but they do announce that they expect some arrests in relation to the Great Train Robbery any day now. Possibly.

Grant sits out the second match of his touchline ban at the Reebok as we indulge in our traditional capitulation to Bolton. 3-0 this time as a performance as woeful as any this season leaves us back in 18th place.

Having failed to secure a place in the 25 man squad and having failed to find another club, an era ends as Benni McCarthy leaves the club “by mutual consent”. Shares in Greggs plummet as McCarthy leaves the country. One of McCarthy’s unworn playing shirts ends up being sold to the Olympic Authority who confirm that they intend to stick a pole in the top of it and use it as a venue for the equestrian events. Spurs and Leyton Orient begin judicial review proceedings into the deal, Spurs suggesting that the shirt could be used as an annexe to the Boleyn pub at Crystal Palace whilst Barry Hearn turns down the chance to use it as a new stadium on the grounds of size: “we’d never fill that”.

The FA take time out from what I can only assume is a thorough and complete investigation of why refereeing standards are so poor in this country (clue for you guys: Mike Riley) to spend some time reading players’ “Twitter” accounts. A Carlton Cole “joke” about the Ghanaian supporters at the international at Wembley being targeted by immigration officials results in an improper conduct charge. The resulting fine of £20,000 is made up of two elements: £10,000 for the poor quality of the “joke” and £10,000 for wearing undershorts of the wrong colour whilst making the tweet.

Back on the pitch we throw away yet another lead (stop me if you’ve heard this one before) as we go down 2-1 at home to Villa. A promising start as Keane gives us the lead which once more is thrown away as Bent and a late late winner from Agbonlahor leave us in Mark Knopfler territory. Worse still, a late tackle from ex-Hammer Nigel Reo-Coker leaves Gary O’Neil with a serious – and possibly career threatening – injury as the player is stretchered off.

Buoyed by their success with Carlton Cole in banishing poor quality humour from the internet (Ha! - it’s not working here is it!) The FA go on to fine Danny Gabbidon for having a pop back at supporters on his twitter account after criticism following the Villa game. The £6,000 fine might have been greater but nobody could ascertain what colour undershorts the player was wearing at the time. Gabbidon goes on to close down his twitter account which will probably result in the FA fining him for “not having a twitter account” if they ever find out about it.

Manuel Da Costa appears before the beak on charges of common and sexual assault. The player admits the common assault charge but the sexual assault charge is slated for trial in September.

Happier news from the world of journalism as the assorted hacks of the Football Writers’ Association sober up long enough to vote Scott Parker as “Footballer Of The Year”, the first Hammer to take the award since Bobby Moore in 1963/64. The unusual award (the hacks are usually too blinkered to vote for anyone outside the top 4) is met with almost universal approval from those within the game though a judicial review from Spurs cannot be far away.

We travel – many of us by boat – to Chelsea where some of the home crowd are actually paid to wave flags when they are told to. Fernando Torres capitalises on a slippery pitch to score his only goal thus far for the Pensioners who take the three points in a very flattering 3-0 win. Tellingly, more people in the home crowd recognise Torres than recognise their all time top scorer Bobby Tambling. Meanwhile thousands of Hammers clean up at the bookies having stuck money on Torres breaking his duck for the easiest win most will get out of Ladbrokes if they live to be 100.

The owners have been quiet for a bit and, prompted by our concern over their (relative) silence, Sullivan decides to go for one of his motivational speeches designed to raise morale, lift spirits and boost our chances of staying up. “We’ve got a 75% chance of going down” he announces. And there was us thinking our season had been saved back in November when we beat Wigan.

May 2011

The month starts with another away defeat as we go down 2-1 at Man City. De Jong and Jacobsen (og) put us on the path to a walloping before City take their foot off the pedal. Ba pulls one back but, despite a spirited performance we return pointless.

Attempts to discover from the board what our percentage chances are of staying up after the final whistle at Eastlands are thwarted by the fact that none of them have actually attended the match. The table laden with sandwiches provided by City remains untouched. Gold has a note from his appropriate adult pointing out that he’s been a bit poorly lately. Brady cites a clash with her daughter’s birthday party as the reason for her absence whilst Sullivan simply admits that he couldn’t be bothered watching that load of rubbish what with the away performances having been so bad this season. As the week progresses Brady has a Wildean riposte for those who have criticised her absence. “Bog Off” she says. Meanwhile ex-Hammer Benni McCarthy phones City boss Mancini: “It’s ok I’m not after a game,” he says, “I was just wondering whether you’d thrown those sandwiches away yet.”

As usual we boss the first half of the latest “must win” match against Blackburn only to find ourselves one down at the interval to a goal from (also as usual) Jason Roberts. Der Hammer salvages a second half point for us whilst Keane does the same for Blackburn by missing the latest in a number of sitters from the edge of the six yard box. Wolves’ win the following day against West Brom just about confirms relegation though technically there are a number of scenarios that could see us safe in one of the tightest ends to a season at the bottom end for some time. Some of which involve neither judicial review nor an investigation into players’ undershorts.

Alas relegation is finally confirmed the following week as (yet again stop me if you’ve heard this one before etc etc..) we throw away a two goal lead, this time at Wigan. Ba’s brace gives the 4,500 travelling support some hope before N’Zogbia (2) and Sammon finally confirm both the drop and bottom place. An aerial banner bearing the slogan “Avram Grant Millwall legend” surprisingly turns out to have been paid for by Millwall supporters rather than West Ham fans. Hundreds of Millwall supporters laugh when they have it read to them. More laugh once it is explained to them. Meanwhile Grant barely makes it off the pitch before being handed his P45, a document which, on closer inspection appears to have the word “January” scribbled out and replaced by the word “May”.

The Wigan match is followed by the club’s “Gala” end of season dinner, a glittering affair in the West End that we couldn’t afford to go to, what with server hosting fees being what they are. The event is marred by the antics of a drunken fan who confronts Dember Ba over the team’s performances. A minor altercation takes place that, by the time it gets onto the internet, has become a major diplomatic incident involving tanks, fighter planes and the intervention of the United Nations before it gets resolved. When the dust has settled it appears that, contrary to rumour, Ba has not refused to sign his name on the grounds that he is too tired, amusing though the concept is of a two letter signature being too much for a professional footballer to manage without an attack of the vapours.

Kevin Keen takes over for the final match of the season at home to Sunderland, an exercise in pointlessness rivalling that of handing a Spurs fan a book with no pictures in. The crowd vote with their feet with many providing notes from their appropriate adults or citing daughters’ birthday parties as excuses for their failure to attend. Many just use the Sullivan excuse of having had enough before staying away from a turgid 3-0 defeat. Scotty Parker is presented with the Hammer of The year award for the third year running, emulating the achievement of Sir Trev all those years ago.

Also relegated with us are Blackpool, who’ll be missed in the Premiership, and Birmingham, who won’t. QPR and Norwich are the automatic replacements, QPR surviving an enquiry into the fielding of a player with problems regarding third-party ownership. The disciplinary hearing hears that it is “not possible for a single player to influence a club’s league position”. Letters sent to Sheffield United C/O The Championship asking for our money back are returned unopened marked “Gone away try League 1”. They are joined by Swansea who beat Reading in a thrilling play-off final notable for the fact that the Reading chairman seems to have mislaid his hairpiece since we last saw him.

Also at Wembley, Barcelona just fail to emulate the mighty Irons, only beating Man Utd 3-1 in the Champions League final. They are impressive enough though as Ferguson’s moaners are given a footballing lesson. The word “superinjunction” is on everyones’ lips in the run up to the match as a Man Utd player is revealed to have slept with someone else I also couldn’t give a monkeys’ about.

Post-season

The next few weeks are spent in looking for a new boss. Hats are thrown into the ring by the likes of Tony Carr MBE and Kevin Keen. Martin O’Neill becomes strongly tipped for the post but reportedly decides against coming for the second time in six months.

Sullivan announces that the new boss is someone who will meet with “universal approval” from supporters before announcing that Sam Allardyce is to be the 14th manager of the club. Obviously a definition of the word “universal” of which I’d been previously unaware. Or “approval”. It’s fair to say fans are divided on the appointment – many having memories of the “anti-football” played by the likes of Blackburn and Bolton during his tenure there. Others will suggest that it’s that sort of game that will be required to get us back up.

Having sorted out the managerial position we look at the playing personnel. Upson’s contract isn’t going to be renewed whilst it seems likely that Ba, Parker, Green and possibly Hitzlsperger will all be on the move. Hines refuses a new contract, whilst the treatment room seems set to say a tearful goodbye to Kieron Dyer, whose departure is likely to lead to redundancy for a possible 200 East End physiotherapists all of whom have made a lucrative living from treating the luckless midfielder. Some clubs are eyeing up Carlton Cole whose BAFTA for the best series of Comedy goals in a season puts him firmly in line for the remake of “Escape To Victory” that some idiot is no doubt considering as we speak.

On the “players in” side of the equation excitement levels are raised to fever pitch as the announcement of Abdoulaye Faye’s arrival is made. In the Faye household anyway. Meanwhile things are made a little more interesting by the possibly mis-heard news that one of the Nolan sisters is having a medical at the Boleyn, though she’s probably in a different room to the one that Shaun Wright-Phillips has allegedly been in for the last ten years or so, thus preventing the need for another superinjunction.

The question of the club’s ownership is raised once more as Air Asia/Team Lotus boss Tony Fernandes makes a “substantial/derisory” (take your pick) bid for the club by way of twitter. Full details of the bid are not released but SuGo dismiss it as “two bob”. The prospect of an airline boss owning the club raises hopes of cut price season tickets. A leaked pricing structure promising £50 season tickets looks promising until it transpires that there’ll be an extra £200 payable to actually enter the ground. Plus another £200 if you want to do so on matchday. A further £200 will be due if you want to see the pitch whilst surcharges and other taxes will add a further ton. Still those over-sized Toblerones will make a change from the half-time KitKats.

So, on the whole we’re back where we were when I started writing all this. A pre-season tour up an alp somewhere is in prospect, possibly involving another match to be watched by a goat. A new manager is in tow and there’s lots of speculation as to who’s going to be in the team next season. Clouds have silver linings and there are a number of good looking away trips to savour – though many of those will, sadly, involve trips to clubs that play music after goals, a crime which I believe is still punishable by death in certain more enlightened countries.

Whatever happens you can bet it won’t be dull and that this time next year I’ll be locked away in the KUMB towers' broom cupboard having to relive the last 12 months once more. Enjoy your break!

Can I come out now please?

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