Dear Sam,
I am just an ordinary man. I work hard for a living, and there is nothing I love more than a trip to the old Boleyn when I have a bit of spare time. I have never once been disappointed that I made the effort to come and see my beloved West Ham play regardless of the result.Sometimes it’s been hard to watch, sometimes its been downright frustrating - but I have always left the ground satisfied that I have spent my money well and have supported my club to the best of my ability. As of late though, even when we win it has been troublesome.
A new plague has sprung up in E11, a pernicious and debilitating condition which springs from our glorious team, who it seems find it impossible to make life easy for their long suffering fans. And so, for the last 20 minutes of every home game, we all fall victim to protracted and severe bouts of 'quacking arse syndrome'.
Away from home it seems it's a simple thing to smash in goal after unanswered goal. At Watford, four goals with no reply; at Nottingham, four goals with only one reply. How we revel in the delight of it all.
And then we come home again and can we do it there? Can we Hell. Pompey, four goals but we ship three and the chocolate starfish of 30,000 loyal and true fans rippled so hard it measured eight on the richter scale.
Then last weekend, Leicester City. We score three and ship two leaving us with a horror twenty minutes to endure standing up, because the involuntary spasming of the old tea towel holder made it safer to stand than to utilise the moulded plastic Boleyn seats which would surely crack under the terror-enduced, repeated bum tics which the sporting fare served up by our team rendered unto us.
It is all but too much to bear when we are clearly the better team, that we are incapable of finishing a game off before the final whistle goes.
Time and again that end of match pressure comes home to roost on the minds and more importantly the bodies of our fabulous fans, who must surely be paralysed with lengthy spells of stress-enduced Rangoon Crut at the hands of our opposition, who, invited in, take the opportunity to at the very least make the faithful itch with frustration for as long as possible.
Please Sam, please, for Christmas this year can we have a nice tidy 2-0 win? It's Barnsley and they’re not that good eh?
Surely you can contrive to make that one a little less than stressful so that we, the minions of the mighty Hammers , may settle down into the approaching season of goodwill with our minds settled our hearts easy and our bottoms still!
As a special new year treat can we come to the Boleyn and see 90 munutes of West Ham domination, a subtle blend of one touch, smooth passing, fast, steady, patient, long ball, high line, defending from the front football culminating in a steady and well earned 3-0 result acheived with better than 20 minutes of the game left to play?
It seems like a lifetime ago since I last spent a second half celebrating in the sure and certain knowledge that the game was beyond the opposition (if the last time wasnt just a dream) and I really would like to have that chance again.
Is that really too much to ask?
Would it really be too much trouble?
I think the entire population of the ground, with the likely exception of the away fans of course, would greatly appreciate it - and to that end I am quite willing to get down on my knees and beg if I have to.
If it will make any difference at all I will make obeisance before you and beesech you in the most purile and grovelling terms to do something to shore up the back line at the Boleyn.
For the sake of my sanity and the sanctity of my rusty sherrif's badge I plead with you, for once, keep a bloody clean sheet at home can ya?
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