That Was The Season That Was 2012/13 - Part Three

Christmas - seems so long ago doesn't it? The latest in Gordon Thrower's review of the 2012/13 season covers November 2012-January 2013. Something for you to have a look at before you finally get round to taking that awful pullover your aunt bought you down to the charity shop...

November

Our first match of the month finishes in a 0-0 draw at home to reigning champions Man City. In fact we have a perfectly good goal notched off by a linesman as Nolan’s fine volley appears to have put us ahead. One of a number of dubious decisions we endure against the so-called big 4 in the season.

The skipper is on target the following week as we pick up another away win, this time up at Newcastle where Nolan is handily placed to divert Joey O’Brien’s wayward effort to give us a 1-0 win that sends us to 6th place for a bit. Sky diver Felix Baumgartner turns down an invite to the match on the grounds that the away section at St James Park is far too high for comfort. “You’re not getting me up there” he would have said, we expect, had we really asked him.

Over the water, alleged Hammer Barack Obama is re-elected as President of the USA. Barry Hearn considers a judicial review on the grounds that the traditional inauguration ceremony due to take place in January might affect Leyton Orient’s gate if they happen to be home that weekend.

With a little over a month to go before the transfer window re-opens it becomes public knowledge that Mo Diame has a release clause in his contract allowing him to speak to any club willing to pay an alleged £5m. I can’t imagine where the papers got that one from. Why, it’s almost as if his agent had released the news to engineer a money-making move or a new contract or something.

In legal news three men are sent for trial on fraud charges over the Olympic Stadium decision, with personal records belonging to Karren Brady and others having mysteriously ended up in their possession. The accused were employed by accountancy firm PKF who had been engaged by Spurs as part of the whole process. Spurs are predictably keen to distance themselves from the whole affair claiming “We’re as shocked as you are. There’s no way that this should have been traceable back to us. Er, this isn’t being recorded is it?”

Moe legal news as the Met’s finest announce that they are dropping all enquiries into Chelsea’s allegations against Mark Clattenburg. The phrase “I don’t give a monkey’s” is supposedly at the centre of all the fuss. Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck ties himself in all sorts of logical knots trying to justify the club’s defence of John Terry whilst apparently slinging round official complaints at referees for the same offence. One of the poorer referees in an already poor bunch, Clattenburg gets away with murder for the rest of the season on the wave of sympathy gained from the whole affair.

Stoke are the next visitors to the Boleyn and they escape with a point. Joey O’Brien is the man on target three minutes into the second half equalising an early Walters effort. As usual, Stoke’s goal owes a hellofalot to their illegal blocking at corners which referees love to ignore. Stoke boss Pulis continues to boast that he coaches his team to break the laws of the game. Some might think that such an admission merits a disrepute charge. We could not possibly comment.

The national side pops over to Sweden to celebrate the Swedish FA’s centenary. Ibrahimovic scores on 20 minutes to give the hosts the lead. Welbeck and Caulker actually put us 2-1 up at one stage but, ever keen to behave ourselves as guests at the party, we remember our places. Ibrahimovic nets a further three, the last of which is a remarkable 30 yard overhead kick, to give Sweden victory.

Back home Andy Carroll finally nets his first for the club at Spurs but sadly this turns out to be a late consolation as the home side provides one of the shocks of the season by winning 3-1. Defoe (2) and Bale are predictably on the scoresheet for the home side. The match is marred by some inappropriate chanting that, equally predictably, is pounced on by some sections of the press as an indication that civilisation as we know it is about to collapse. The FA announce one of their thorough investigations which, seven months later, concludes that they will take no further action against the club.

We go up to Old Trafford and are on the back foot after 31 seconds as Van Persie opens the scoring. However the home side fail to add to their tally and are seen desperately time-wasting in the closing stages as they hang on for a 1-0 win.

Only a few weeks after having gained his chairman’s full backing via the medium of twitter, Mark Hughes is sacked by QPR. “He was utterly utterly the right man for the job up to a few moments ago when we sacked him” tweets Tony Fernandes. Probably. The thought that we might have dodged a bullet, ownership-wise, crosses our minds as Fernandes announces that “the new utterly utterly right man for the job is Harry Redknapp”. “Or his dog Rosie. I think that’s where his pay is going”.

Chelsea haven’t won a trophy for a few weeks, a state of affairs that Abrahamovic tries to rectify by sacking Roberto Di Matteo just a few months into a two-year deal. Accident and emergency rooms in hospitals are on alert as thousands are admitted with painful side-strains from laughing too much. Some A&E units even have to close their doors as the follow-up announcement that Rafa Benitez has been appointed “Interim” manager to replace Di Matteo hits the airwaves.

In the wake of “Clattenburggate” PGMO announces that the conversations between their officials are, henceforth, to be recorded to protect their employees from accusations such as those made by Chelsea. Knowing PGMO as we do we look forward to the mysterious wiping of tapes whenever one of their number is found to be out of order. Just about every week then.

As November closes we find ourselves in 10th place with 19 points from 14 matches. Happy with that – only 21 points from that mythical safety point………

December

The run of good month-opening results continues with a cracker as we turn over Chelsea who arrive with their with their interim manager and their equally interim supporters at the Boleyn to see us win 3-1. A Mata goal gives the visitors an interim, sorry, half-time lead. However the introduction of a clearly up for it Diame in the second half changes things completely. Cole, Diame himself and a late one from Maiga gives us all three points as A&E departments implement their "major incident" plans in advance of a whole nation laughing at Chelsea.

The good news is tempered by the announcement that former academy graduate Mitchell Cole has passed away at the shockingly young age of 27. Whilst still with West Ham, Cole had been diagnosed with a heart condition similar to that which had affected Fabrice Muamba. Despite the condition Cole had enjoyed a successful career at non-league level before retiring in 2011.

Up in scouseland Brendan Rodgers tries to fit in with the legendary local sense of humour by announcing that his side will be challenging for the so-called Champions League places come the end of the season. Honest he really did say that.

Whilst we’re on the subject of daft statements David Ginola claims that Gareth Bale isn’t a diver. Sad to see the former Newcastle winger’s brain start to go at such a young age.

The long-awaited announcement regarding the Olympic stadium is finally made. The announcement seems to consist of an announcement that there will be an announcement. Sometime. Soon. Honest. To nobody’s surprise Barry Hearn starts making noises about taking things further when the real announcement finally comes.

The West Ham players’ Christmas do takes place in Dublin and this year’s so-called scandal occurs when a photographer claims to have been flattened by Andy Carroll, The club makes a statement denying that Carroll had hit snapper though they admitted that the budding David Bailey had been “restrained” by the club’s security team to protect the injured striker.

Talking of Irish things, we sign a kid called Sean Maguire from Waterford. It’s a bit of a worry for a while as one of my female chums who is an expert on these things suggests that the player has already been told his career is over by the medics after a training accident while he was an apprentice at Walford Town. I calmly explain to her the difference between EastEnders and real life and ask her to do the washing up before making me a cup of tea. I spend the next hour removing broken crockery from my hair.

Max Clifford, who was responsible for the horrible image of David Mellor in a Chelsea kit in our minds, is arrested as part of Operation Yewtree. It occurs to us that he could do with a hand - if only he knew somebody who could handle the publicity fallout for him.

Back on the pitch we play Liverpool off the park for much of the match. A spectacular Glen Johnson effort – what a waste – puts the visitors 1-0 against the run of play before a Gerrard og and a Noble penalty give us the lead. The turning point is the departure of Mo Diame, who is running the match, with a torn hamstring. The visitors, whose main tactic seems to be hoofing the ball for the corners in a rugby style move at every opportunity, end up taking away an undeserved three points in a 3-2 win, Joe Cole’s uncelebrated effort and a freak own goal from Collins being the difference between the sides.

The news leaks out that Assistant Manager Wally Downes has left the club “by mutual consent”. I say “leaks”, "oozes slowly" would probably be a better description of the non-announcement. Speculation that the parting of the ways has resulted from incidents during the Dublin trip abound, with no confirmation from any source available to confirm or deny the position. The club’s only comment is to the effect that the parting of the ways was “amicable”. Meanwhile Downes himself, normally so voluble on twitter, goes all quiet. A bit of a mystery then.

In a strange case of “déjà vu” Yossi Benayoun is sent back to Chelsea having spent (predictably) most of his loan spell in the treatment room with a series of mystery injuries. A 0-0 draw at the Hawthorns follows, a match that is as nondescript as the scoreline suggests. Meanwhile a strike by tube workers results in the announcement that the Boxing Day visit to Arsenal’s library is to be postponed.

Another club official to depart is Finance Director Nick Igoe who had somehow juggled the finances during one of the most turbulent periods of the club’s history. Not sure what he’s up to next but, given the nature of the job required during his tenure, he’d probably be forgiven for asking for a six-month stay in The Priory as part of his severance package.

The pre-Christmas visit of Everton is ruined by the antics of so-called professional referee Anthony Taylor. Carlton Cole gives us the lead before receiving a ludicrous red card, a decision that turns the game. Everton win 2-1 with goals from Anichebe and Piennar, Taylor’s second major brainstorm in dismissing Everton’s Gibson for an identical and equally innocuous challenge occurring too late to have any effect on the match. Both red cards are later rescinded though Taylor escapes any sort of punishment, the tapes of the fourth official shouting “are you SURE about that Anthony?” having presumably been mysteriously wiped.

There’s amusement at a typical Harry Redknapp press conference in which a question that has all the hallmarks of being planted by one of twitchy’s press mates is asked about the possibility of Joe Cole going to QPR. Our old boss responds in his usual manner “great player…I gave him his debut you know…who wouldn’t be interested etc ..etc” So far so standard until a journo forgets himself and asks the sixty-four thousand dollar question: “have you spoken to Joe?” The question flusters Redknapp “No. Of course not. He’s under contract to Liverpool . I’d need permission. Are you trying to get me into trouble?” That’ll be a “Yes” then Harry.

The year ends in traditional style as muppet club Reading score with virtually their only attack of the match at the Wiggydome. West Ham dominate the rest of the match but a dreadful miss from Vaz Te ends all hope of a point.

The result leaves us at the end of the year in 12th spot with 23 points from 19 matches. Not actually in the scrap for relegation but maybe a little bit too close to it for total comfort. Still there’s a fair way to go yet…….

January 2013

Happy New Year!

34,000+ hungover souls drag their wearies over to the Boleyn (quiet night in for me actually!) where Norwich are the visitors. First half goals from Noble (pen) and O’Brien are enough to give us all three points despite a late Martin consolation. The win sends us up to 11th place and eases the slight concerns raised at the end of the last bit of this review.

Of course January means that the transfer window has re-opened. The main concern is the sharks that appear to be circling around the release clause in Diame’s contract. Diame, of course, is out of action after doing his hamstring in in the Liverpool match. Journalists find the player difficult to get hold of with the club probably having sent him to the room next to Nick Igoe’s at the Priory to recover somehow mislaying the key in the hope that he won’t pop up on someone else’s radar.

Talking of Liverpool, strong rumours start to appear that we are to rescue Joe Cole from his nightmare spell on Merseyside. The rumours are true and the player signs for the club where he always did his best work.

Also arriving on loan to the end of the season is Arsenal forward Marouane Chamakh. Another loan forward on the way in is Brazilian Wellington Paulista who joins from Cruzeiro until the end of the season with a view to a permanent deal. Meanwhile Sky Sports are aghast. Three players in at the Boleyn and it’s only 5th January – at this rate there’ll be nothing left for them to go ballistic about at the end of the month when the window closes.

For the second time this season we have a second coming of a JC as Joe Cole makes his second Hammers’ debut in the FA Cup 3rd round tie against Man Utd. Another cracking match sees us go 1-0 down to a Cleverley effort from close range. We then take the lead from two virtually identical goals from JC(Collins) both of which are headed conversions of crosses from JC(Cole). We hold on to the lead until the dying minutes when Van Persie converts a long ball (irony alert) from Giggs to take the match to a replay. As usual Ferguson shows his contempt and arrogance for everything outside Salford by failing to appear for the standard post-match press conference. His two-bob club further show their complete lack of class by charging us double for the replay, having gleefully begged for and accepted cut-price tickets for their fans for the original match. What a nice club with classy supporters. Not.

The mighty (yeah, right) Liverpool struggle to get past Mansfield in the cup, until Suarez adds a deliberately handled goal to racism and diving in his list of crimes against football. Still when you’re a struggling two-bob club I suppose you need all the help you can get to get past teams like Mansfield.

Sam Allardyce – or possibly charities favoured by him – becomes a wee bit richer following an apology from Blackburn Rovers over comments made by then manager Steve Kean in a bar during a pre-season tour. The full apology reads:

"During the summer of 2011, Mr Steve Kean was this Club’s manager and accompanied the players of Blackburn Rovers on a pre-season tour of the Far East. Whilst in Hong Kong, Mr Kean was in a bar and falsely alleged that Sam Allardyce, our previous manager, was sacked by us because he was a crook. This is completely false and we apologise to Mr Allardyce for the embarrassment and distress caused to him by Mr Kean."

The apology and settlement are the latest setbacks in a complete nightmare of a season for Blackburn. Having suffered relegation – the existence of which apparently came as a surprise to the owners - they manage to get through no fewer than four managers in the season. The aforementioned Kean goes in September 2012 (or ”forced to resign” as Kean amusingly put it) at a time when the club is sitting in third place in the Championship. Henning Berg arrives and lasts until December 2012. Michael Appleton’s reign lasts a mere 67 days but still only manages to be the second shortest reign in the club’s history (Berg having only lasted 57 days). Current incumbent is Gary Bowyer – though admittedly I haven’t been online much this morning and there’s every possibility that they’ve gone through another four or five since I started this paragraph.

As well as getting a chunk of compo from his former club, Sam is also linked with a potential double swoop on Ewood with left back Martin Olsson and ‘keeper Paul Robinson both touted for a move to the Boleyn. Our staff writer earns himself another kicking with the headline “Here’s To You Mr Robinson”. In the event neither deal goes through – Rovers appear to reject our bid for Olsson and, whilst talks with Robinson get much further, the club eventually decides that the deal isn’t right.

With us beginning to be thankful that we’re not owned by a bunch of know nothing chicken farmers we get a bit of a shock as it’s announced that David Gold is in hospital with pneumonia. Thankfully the septuagenarian co-Chairman makes a full recovery.

Our away form continues to fail to impress as we contrive to lose 3-0 up at Sunderland. Worse still James Collins tears a calf muscle exposing the lack of depth within the squad, though the quiet return of Mo Diame to the bench is welcome (as long as none of the clubs interested in him notices).

We travel up to Old Trafford for the Cup replay where, as usual, the home side are able to count on more than a little assistance from the match officials. This time it is unfit chubber Phil Dowd who, faced with identical penalty appeals, gives one to the home side and denies one to the away side. Rooney blazes his effort high into the stands. We’d probably have scored ours. Sam is hauled up before the FA for pointing out that such decisions are a regular occurrence at Old Trafford as the authorities’ contempt for supporters is reinforced once more. We deserve more than the 1-0 reverse that we get.

We return to league action at home to QPR where the visitors take the lead with virtually their only attack of the game, the goal coming through debutant Loic Remy. Joe Cole equalises with 20 left but despite battering at the door we fail to covert the point into three. In what is possibly a unique experience in my lifetime I find myself using the words “Redknapp” and “honest” in the same sentence as the Rangers boss admits that his side were fortunate to escape with a point, However, in his post-match press conference he admits to having had talks with Joe Cole several weeks before West Ham got involved with a deal. That would be about the time you were denying speaking to him then Harry – you know, that time when when you accused the journalist of trying to get you into trouble? Normal service resumed then.

Southampton sack Nigel Adkins and replace him with Mauricio Pochinetto. Adkins eventually ends up at Reading – an unlikeable club finally getting the manager it deserves.

Alou Diarra finds himself in hot water following comments made to French football magazine L’Equipe. Having arrived on a three year deal then got injured he’s found it difficult to break into the team, a fact that he moans about to the magazine in abundance.

The postponed trip to the Library finally takes place and we’re on the wrong end of a 5-1 defeat. Collison is on target for us in a match marred by a head injury to Dan Potts which leaves the youngster with concussion, putting one in mind of the old quote attributed to John Lambie: “he doesn’t know who he is? Tell him he’s Pele and send him back on”. Modern medical opinion being what it is our medical team opt to send him to hospital instead where the player is treated for concussion.

History is made and the world of football broadcasting is rocked to its feet as kumb radio is launched. Despite opening with yours truly as a guest, the podcast survives and goes on to become a regular event in its first season. Kudos to producer/presenters Chris Scull (he has a BAFTA you know) and James Longman.

The awayday woes continue as we go down 3-1 at Craven Cottage to an ordinary Fulham side. Nolan nets our consolation. There are mutterings that our away form could drag us into the relegation scrap, though the poor, and highly amusing form of Reading and QPR continues to give us a bit of comfort in that regard. Still an away win or two wouldn’t go amiss…

Transfer deadline day arrives and in comes defensive cover in the form of Emanual Pogatetz, on loan from Wolfsburg. Alou Diarra is on his bike (presumably wearing one of those stripey shirts and a beret and carrying a string of onions) having cheesed off the manager with his attitude. A loan deal to Rennes is his “reward”.
A couple of youngsters (Rinor Nushi and Vit Nemrava) apart that’s it as far as we’re concerned for the window.

There is high comedy at Loftus Road. QPR table a bid for West Brom winger Peter Odemwinge. West Brom reject the bid for the player. Odemwinge gets to hear about the QPR bid, though obviously this news cannot possibly have been relayed to him by anyone from QPR, Harry Redknapp for example, as that would have constituted an illegal approach. Odemwinge somehow gets the impression that everything will be sorted out between the clubs in the time that it takes him to drive from the Midlands to West London, and an ambiguous interview given to Sky (yes through a car window) could be interpreted as implying that he’s spoken to someone at Shepherd’s Bush. However, QPR, realising that they do not have permission to talk to the player, turn off all the office lights and hide under the furniture pretending to be out when Odemwinge knocks at the door. Odemwinge returns to Smethwick with his tail between his legs and picks up over £150,000 in fines for his trouble as the country looks on in amazement. And laughs.

We end the month in 13th place with 27 points from 24 games. Still not in a relegation battle but not quite far enough away from one for us to be totally happy. Another 13 points would be most welcome then. As soon as possible please………


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