That Was The Season That Was 2013-14 - Part Three

The latest in Gordon Thrower's look back at last season covers the end of 2013 and the start of 2014. Yes it includes the mandatory win over Spurs but you may want to cover your eyes when we get to January. We did......

November 2013

The month opens with the news that club Honorary Life resident Terence “Terry” Brown has put in £1m of his own money into the club, the club being Sheffield Wednesday. The deal arises as a result of Brown's friendship with Milan Mandaric, who, you will recall was acquitted of tax evasion charges alongside Henry Redknapp. The news goes down well with long-suffering Hammers mindful of a perceived lack of investment by Brown during his tenure as chairman.

Scientists, possibly in a newspaper space filing exercise, claim that octopuses are highly intelligent and it's them we need to worry about in an uprising rather than apes. Although it's fair to say that cephalopods are already able to outsmart the average Millwall supporter and already have the same amount of backbone as the average referee, it's also fair to say that you can delete the word “possibly” from the first sentence of this paragraph.

Back in the equally mad world of football the 4-6-0 formation gets another airing at home against Villa. The total number of goals scored in the match matches the number of strikers we field, namely, nil, as a dull match finishes goalless. We go up a place to 14th as a result.

Jermain Defoe apologises for the manner of his departure from the club in 2003. “I was badly advised but made a terrible mistake”. Rumours that Paul Ince might apologise for taking illegal instruction from Alex Ferguson all those years ago are of course ludicrous – it takes a man to admit guilt.

More fun up in Geordieland as the Supporters Trust are offered a permanent seat on the club's fan forum. They attend a meeting, publish the minutes and are then told that there seat has been withdrawn, presumably the decision being taken when someone finally informs Joe Kinnear of the meaning of the word permanent.

Three men accused of tapping into Karren Brady's 'phone messages on behalf of (but not at the behest of our lawyers remind us) of Tottenham Hotspur as part of their attempts to scupper the Olympic Stadium move are found guilty. I review my records and find that a Spurs website has tapped into my own messages. Three supporters are later found to have died of boredom as a result.

Former Co-Op bank chairman Paul Flowers is caught buying “recreational pharmaceuticals.” In a nod to his role as a church minister the newspaper wags dub him “The Crystal Methodist” which is quite good for them. The revelations follow his appearance before a Treasury Select Committee in which his ignorance of the Bank's finances is alarming. Now we know why.

We outplay Norwich city at Carrow Road in the first half of our match up there but take only a 1-0 lead into the interval. More incompetent refereeing from Jonathan Moss whose errors have made a significant difference to every game he has “controlled” this season hands the match to Norwich on a plate as Jaaskalainen is penalised for a foul on a clearly diving Hooper, having been barged out of the way by Snodgrass. A second set piece goal after another joke of a decision and a late counter attack see us cheated out of points 3-1.

The injury woes continue as Winston Reid damages an ankle in training. It's a long-termer for which the projected absence is counted in months rather than days.

More refereeing woes as Spurs' favourite cyclist Chris Foy falls for an embarrassment of a dive from Oscar in the home match against Chelsea. Fat Boy despatches the penalty as usual and later adds a second as Chelsea take full advantage of the leg-up given by yet another unpunished spot of incompetency from the officials to win 3-0.

Notably, when we finally get a referee who isn't incompetent we return to winning ways with a 3-0 win over Fulham who sack Martin Jol 24 hours later. Maiga, Cole C. and Cole J. are on target against opponents best described as “woeful”. Jol barely survives 24 hours before getting the sack.

Nigella Lawson's former personal assistants go on trial accused of theft. During the trial it transpires that Ms Lawson has been no stranger to the odd intake recreational pharmaceutical herself. Lawson finds herself on a shortlist with the Crystal Methodist for a future episode of Come Dine With Me.

December 2013

All hopes that a new month might see some sort of improvement in the form of referees are dashed as the match officials simply give up trying to get things right. Marouane Chamakh's goal plus another breathtakingly poor performance from Lee Mason are enough to give Crystal Palace a 1-0 win at Selhurst.Park. A Stewart Downing equaliser is disallowed as Tomkins is penalised for having his shirt pulled by a defender. Mike Riley remains silent on the declining standards of refereeing in England, pausing only to pocket his six-figure salary. The Crystal Methodist shakes his head and rues being in the wrong business.

Hull City Owner Asssem Allam presses on with plans to rename the club Hull Tigers. His reaction to the chant “City Till I Die” is not particularly pleasant: “They can die s soon as they want” he rants. Nice.

After a long illness former South African President Nelson Mandela passes away. The papers are full of tributes from people who never met him but are keen to bask in some sort of reflected glory.

Things don't improve any as the traditional defeat at Anfield is again assisted by the traditional assistance given to the home side by referees. A frankly shocking challenge by local thug Flanagan on Downing puts the winger in hospital where he receives 23 stitches as a result of two pairs of studs going into the back of his calf. I suppose we ought to be thankful that ref Michael Oliver gave a free kick at all. A Skrtel og is our only consolation and things go from bad to worse as Nolan, who gets totally fed up with players coming through the back of him finally loses it and lunges at Henderson, whose injury requires no stitches at all but earns Nolan a red nonetheless. Inexcusable but understandable.

The so-called six-pointer at home to Sunderland is a game of such mind-boggling awfulness I actually fill up the later parts of my kumb.com match report with a picture of some kittens.

The Welsh town of Bangor is awarded the title of “Randiest In Britain” as it's revealed that its good citizens spend more per head (if that's the right word) on sex toys than anywhere else in the UK. Our owners are said to be not displeased.

A major scientific study shows there are physical differences between the structure of men's and women's brains. I would have inserted a gag here about explaining the offside law to the missus but we're not that sort of website. Apparently.

Still in amongst all the doom and gloom we can always rely on Spurs to give us a giggle. We go to White Hart Lane for the League Cup Quarter Final and perform the football equivalent of Muhammad Ali's rope-a-dope tactic. Adebayor's opener is cancelled out by Jarvis and, with the layer not having not scored for a year, Modibo Maiga's winning header is all the sweeter. The match means that supporters at this point in the season have seen us win more times at White Hart Lane than they have at the Boleyn.

Following an incident in September when someone broke into the Anfield training ground to threaten him, Steve Gerrard is assaulted getting out of his Range Rover near his home. One might almost suspect that Gerrard had gotten the wrong side of some bad people were it not for the fact that, as England captain he would never have got himself involved with any sort of criminal elements in the first place would he.

Having had a decent match in the League Cup QF, albeit only against Spurs,'keeper Adrian is retained for the trip to Man Utd where we go down 3-1. A rare home win for the ex-champions who, under David Moyes, are having an otherwise hilariously dreadful season.

Boxing day sees an improved performance as Carlton Cole puts us 1-0 up against Arsenal. Arsenal manage to run up 3 in reply, though the result flatters them somewhat.

It's revealed that James Tomkins has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer outside a Brentwood club, though the player's solicitors state that the charges will be vigorously contested.

Having been partly responsible for one of Arsenal's goals Adrian returns to the bench for the visit of West Brom. It's an eventful 90. Joe Cole puts us 1-0 up before Tomkins limps off injured. The arrival of Demmel as replacement leaves us with a back four populated entirely by full-backs. Anelka equalises but it's a goal that ultimately leads to his departure from the club, his goal celebrations containing a gesture that apparently has anti-semetic connotations. Anelka gives the visitors the lead after a wrongly-awarded corner (our old “friend” Mike Dean making sure he is the centre of attention again) to send us in 2-1 down at the interval. Sub Maiga equalises and sets up Nolan to give us a 3-2 lead that, of course, we fail to hang on to as Berinho equalises.

It's announced that Lord Lucan-a-like striker Mladen Petric has had his contract terminated. Having played just a few minutes before disappearing off the face of the earth through injury the club exercise a break clause at the earliest possible. “I'd have left anyway” claims the player, not entirely convincingly.

We do bring in a new striker, though at the age of 18 Peterborough's Jaanai Gordon is one for he future.

So we end the year second from bottom. We still have misfiring, injured and not quite ready strikers and poor refereeing has cost us more points than ever. 2014 has got to be better. Hasn't it?

January 2014

2014 isn't any better. We go 1-0 up on New Year's day at Fulham. Fulham equalise as Noble hobbles off injured. Nolan, just back from suspension after his sending off at Anfield kicks out petulantly at Amorbietta to earn himself another red. If his dismissal at Anfield was understandable if inexcusable, this one is just inexcusable. Lazy Bulgarian Berbatov nets the inevitable winner for the home side Happy New Year?

Given the lack of fit centre halves on the club's books Everton' Johnny Heitinga is on the shopping list until the player changes his mind due to a gut feeling. Heitinga eventually signs a six-month deal with Fulham. You must drop us a line to let us know how that went Johnny.

Given the parlous state of affairs in the league, the cups can usually be relied upon to provide a sot of light relief. Not this year though. In advance of the away trip to Forest in the 3rd round of the FA Cup, the manager paves the way for a severely weakened XI to take the field by warning that he has only 14 of the 25 man Premier League squad available for selection.

More sad news arrives from South Africa where Andy Malcolm has passed away in Port Elizabeth. Malcolm had been a key member of Ted Fenton's 1958 promotion-winning squad and after retirement had run pubs in Essex before retiring to RSA in 1986. RIP.

The manager's earlier warnings over the strength of the side to play Forest turn out to be no idle threat. We effectively withdraw from the Cup by fielding a side largely populated with youth team and development squad players. Forest run out 5-0 winners in front of a crowd that contains the better part of 3,000 Hammers who had shelled out good money in the mistaken belief that the first XI might have been involved.

The defensive numbers are bolstered by the arrival on loan of Wolves defender Roger Johnson. Johnson is out of favour at parent club Wolves, partly as a result of a contract containing wages reflecting the club's then Premier League status. Johnson's nickname of “Roger The Relegator” does not bode well. The manager promises to field a stronger XI out against Man City, claiming that we can beat them over the two legs of the League Cup Semi-Final. We promptly lose the first leg 6-0. There's as much sign of Allardyce at the post-match press conference as there is of our defence during the match that preceded it – namely, none at all.

Deals to sign Monaco striker Lacina Traore and/or Milan frontman Ishak Belfodil come to naught over the “paperwork” prompting one wag to suggest that reclassifying all potential immigrants as “professional footballers” would halve the queues at airport border points at a stroke.

The row over the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar rumbles on. FIFA are astonished to discover that the country to which they have awarded their premier tournament has an average summer temperature of 40 degrees (or, to those who think in proper units, 104 degrees Fahrenheit). It's almost as if the delegates had awarded the tournament to a totally unsuitable country in return for shedloads of cash. They wouldn't have, would they?

We venture abroad to Cardiff where the return of Tomkins allows us the luxury of fielding two central defenders in the centre of defence in the same match at the same time. Mostly. Two yellows for Tomkins means that this state of affairs does not survive the 90 minutes. However we gain a welcome three points with Carlton Cole and a late – and rare non-penalty - goal from Mark Noble. This gives us our sixth win on the trot against Cardiff, who are dubbed “The Welsh Tottehnam” as a result. The Noble goal is notable for the contribution of some chap called Andy Carroll who makes his first appearance of the season.

Those interested in weather stats note that it has barely stopped raining all month. A UKIP party member and councillor gets suspended for blaming the biblical levels of rainfall on the country's decision to legalise gay marriage. Apparently God is angry as a result. Quite what the rest of have done to anger God so that we get elected politicians who come out with such drivel is unknown.

Down under a resurgent Australia complete a 5-0 series whitewash over England to regain the Ashes. That gay marriage thing must really be bugging God big time. His mood is probably not improved by the news that former Hammer Thomas Hitzlsperger has announced that he is gay. Alternatively, and slightly more sanely, most people shrug their shoulders with the thought that should there be a God he might have more important things to be concerned with. Sepp Blatter considers asking the Qatari ruling family to make homosexuality compulsory for the duration of the 2022 Word Cup in the hope of annoying God enough to provide enough rainfall to cool things down to enable matches to take place.

Ravel Morrison continues to cause a stir. A mystery groin strain seems to be keeping him out of the squad, though his manager and backroom staff admit to being “baffled by the injury”.

Only 14,000 or so people are in the Boleyn to see Man City complete the League Cup formalities with a 3-0 win. Fewer still probably bother to watch the match on the box.

The ever-reliable Mail website comes up with headline of the month as they inform us that “Nudists, bell ringers, noisy children and carol singers defeat Government attempt to outlaw annoying behaviour”. Don't bother looking up the story – it's nowhere near as good as the one you're imagining based solely on the headline. Another candidate: “Honey Boo Boo Shows Off Cheerleading Moves With Help From Dad Sugar Bear Following Check Up For Injuries Sustained In Car Crash” is disqualified from the competition on the grounds that I haven't the faintest idea what any of those words mean.

We actually sign an actual striker. Marco Boriello arrives on loan to the end of the season from Roma. Just in time to sit on the bench and watch Carroll regain match fitness then.

Boriello is followed from Serie A by midfielder Antonio Nocerino, who arrives on another loan deal from Milan. Nocerino's surname translates as “little nut”, which is recognised medical condition. I am told.

We go to Stamford Bridge and Adrian has a marvellous evening pulling off a number of fine saves as we grab a point from a 0-0 draw. Never being one to keep his gob shut even if he has nothing intelligent to say Jose Mourinho describes our tactics as “19th century football”, ignoring the fact tat it's the same tactic as hs own side use in just about every Champions League match. Special One? Special Needs more like.

We finish the month third from bottom two points from safety but with Andy Carroll back and regaining fitness by the minute. Repeat after me: We will not go down. We will not go down.....

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