Filed: Sunday, 24th October 1999
By: Chris Tye
Arsene Wenger promised to discipline Patrick Vieira, after another amazing loss of discipline today. 'I will fine him' said Wenger. 'Our disciplinary structure allows me to fine him 27 pence...the price of a bag of cheese and onion crisps, and that is what I will do'. In the wake of further bad behaviour from the Senegalese sinner, Arsene stated that his temperamental midfield star was 'misunderstood, although I accept that in a few cases, he could perhaps, if it wasn't too much effort and as long as it didn't effect our team and chances of winning have behaved slightly better'.
Things came to a head after Vieira was sent off in the London derby against West Ham. He spat at Ruddock, which Wenger didn't see, as he was busily discerning the fine line between di Canio diving and being fouled, which he saw perfectly. Vieira then viciously assualted a Policeman, which unfortunately, Wenger didn't see as he was wondering whether to go on the pitch and replace a small divot by the half way line.
In the dressing room after the match, Vieira erupted once more, swinging a sledgehammer round, knocking down 2 walls, smashing a treatment table and destroying £2,000 worth of medical equipment. Unfortunately Wenger didn't see the incident, as he was helping Keown untie his bootlaces. The team left the dressing room, picking their way over the rubble, debris and smashed equipment as West Ham officials complained, but Wenger was unable to help, although he
'thought that the damage was part of the rebuilding work due to commence on the new West Stand which is to be built shortly.'
Upon leaving the ground, some 10,000 Hammers noticed Vieira standing on a nearby rooftop urinating over passers by. 'A serious allegation' said Wenger 'But I didn't see the incident. All I saw was a guy watering his roofgarden that he hasn't actually got'.
Vieira really got out of hand now, some 200 passing West Ham supporters, and assorted members of the press clearly saw Vieira break into a nearby hardware store, grab a double headed axe and lop a small child's head off. Wenger, unfortunately, did not see the incident, although he does remember seeing 'a small child with a slight shaving nick, which I felt was slightly surprising as he was only 5 years old, which was a tad early to be shaving'
The next morning, the still enraged Vieira arrived at the Arsenal training complex, driving a tank, which he proceeded to use to steamroller 9 cars in the car park, and let off mortar rounds which left several holes in the gymnasium walls. Wenger admiited that Vieira had ' a small incident while parking his vehicle this morning, resulting in superficial damage to a neighbouring vehicle'. He also agreed that the gymnasium was 'in need of a lick of paint'.
The most contentious issue concerns the next alleged incident: Vieira was filmed, by CCTV, running into the training centre and opening fire on a group of Arsenal U17 trainees doing some practise ball skills work. 'Impossible' said Wenger, clearly determined to back his under fire midfield star. ' We don't have a youth side at Arsenal. I've never seen or heard of one in all the time I've been here. Even if such a youth team existed, which it doesn't, they would not be standing around doing ball skills. We would have them catching imaginary opponents offside, and running through some shirt pulling and off the ball thuggery drills'
However, Wenger did catch the French midfield star, and was quick to impose the club's disciplinary procedures. 'He was walking down the corridor, and Marc Overmars was walking in the opposite direction' said Wenger 'I noticed that as they passed Patricks jacket lightly brushed Overmar's shoulder. Marc became a bit disorientated and must have though he was at a game, because he flung himself to the ground theatrically. I noticed that there was a slight graze on his knee, but it could have been far more serious. I have fined Vieira, and he is under no illusions that there is a strict code of conduct at this club, and he is expected to be more careful when walking down corridors'.
Please note that the opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, nor should be attributed to, KUMB.com.
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