The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[delbert]

Teacher says to little Johnny " if you've got 5 mars bars and I ask you to give Abdul 2 of your mars bars how many would you have left?"
"5" replies Johnny.......

[el pato]

Two cows in a field,one went "Moooooo", the other one said" i knew you going to say that"

[delbert]

A little boy grows up on a farm and is fascinated by tractors, he collects models of tractors, he drives his dads tractor, he visits tractor fairs and his bedroom wall is covered in pictures of tractors. Eventually he reaches puberty and his interest in tractors wains as he discovers a more healthy interest in girls.
A few years go by and as a young lad in his early twenties he is walking along the road when he sees a building on fire with someone leaning out of the window shouting for help. Without hesitation the lad runs into the burning building and rescues the victim, he's just catching his breath when someone else starts shouting for help. In he goes again and this time he comes out with two rescued victims.
The fire brigade turn up and start putting out the fire when one of them gets to hear about the young lads bravery, the fireman comes over to him asks him how he managed to survive going into a burning building full of smoke not once but twice to rescue three people. "Well, I breathed out as much as I could so when I went into the building I could breath in as much smoke as possible before blowing it all out of the window, that way I cleared the room so I could see what to do and also keep the smoke away from the people"
"But that's impossible" the fireman exclaimed.
"Not really" the young lad replied. "I'm an ex tractor fan"........

[west ham15]

Apparently, some watches will work up to the depth of 200 metres. I guess it would come in handy if you wanted to fist Katie Price.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Two cows in a field,one went "Moooooo", the other one said" i knew you going to say that"

excellent - nice work mate

this thread is over as you wont hear a better joke than this - ffs

[waldo-the-hammer]

Took the wife to the doctors yesterday to sort out her tourettes.
Turns out she doesn't have it.
I am a c**t.
And she does want me to f**k off.

[lewisham-mer]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!


I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[orbital]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!


I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

You sure

[Czech Hammer]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!


I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

10/10

[vietnammer]

A ventriloquist goes on to a farm and says to the farmer is that your dog? yep, why? Do you mind if I talk to him? er, ok mate do what you like...

Does he look after you?
Yeah, he's good, takes me for walks, feeds me well, he's ok.

Is that your horse over there? Yes. Do you mind if I talk to him? alright you bloody weirdo, go ahead

Does he look after you?
Yeah, he's good, lets me roam where I please, feeds me well, he's ok.

Is that your sheep over thTHAT SHEEP'S A ****ing LIAR!

[Dover KUMB fan]

^^^^^ (But it took a minute to get it!)

[hammer]

Q) What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?

A) I O U

[ageing hammer]

Two cows in a field,one went "Moooooo", the other one said" i knew you going to say that"

excellent - nice work mate

this thread is over as you wont hear a better joke than this - ffs

Really but what about all the udders

[ageing hammer]

I was reading the reviews on a holiday hotel last night and the person giving the review had one thing to say that was disappointing about the hotel. He said he couldn't find the hidden beach. Maybe that's why it was called that you dickhead

[Dover KUMB fan]

I see Liverpool's last 3 managers have been an Englishman, a Scotsman & now an Irishman. That explains why everyone thinks Liverpool are a joke!

[don't burst my bubble]

Bit of an embarassing mix up earlier today, when i was in Boots, apparently when the woman said " strip down facing me" she was referring to my debit card ...

[lewisham-mer]

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach, to protect his modesty and to prevent burning he covered his willy with a hat.
A woman walks by and sniggering she says “if you were a gentleman you would lift that hat”

The man raises an eyebrow and says “maybe if you weren't so ugly it would raise itself”

[ageing hammer]

I see Liverpool's last 3 managers have been an Englishman, a Scotsman & now an Irishman. That explains why everyone thinks Liverpool are a joke!

Always felt the scousers could do with getting a good Rodger in

[lewisham-mer]

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV

"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

[dodgy dave]

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV

"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

Fantatic