The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Paddy O'Hammer]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Burningaham]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant,

and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes,

looking around before it slams down….


Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

'Ah ! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......

[ageing hammer]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

Paddy PMSL

[psychoscoredthelot]

Seen that this won joke of the year competition for Tim Vine

"I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust."

did you see the others that didn't win - they were f-ing awful

[ageing hammer]

Yeah they were that's why I didn't post them as well

[psychoscoredthelot]

I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.

She realized he was dead just after she said, " ... and that was my day. How was your day?"

[psychoscoredthelot]

Keith Chegwin walks into a bar and sees a bloke making a few people laugh.

He says to the barman - "I'll have what he's having."

[psychoscoredthelot]

I was chatting to my grandad today about the price of shopping.
He said, "I got four Mars bars today."
"At what price?" I asked.

"Diabetes." He replied.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "f***" or "****ing" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My wife removed her make up.

[psychoscoredthelot]

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

[Dover KUMB fan]

I was reading about this woman in Torquay. She lived for a whole week in a flat with her dead husband.

She realized he was dead just after she said, " ... and that was my day. How was your day?"

Brilliant!! You have no idea how much I can relate to that gag! Especially as I told 'er indoors, & she didnt find it funny!! :lol:

[ageing hammer]

In a similar vein:

A bloke rang 999 and said

" I think my wife might be dead, probably for a few weeks, can you send an ambulance please "

The operator asked " How do you know she is dead Sir "



The bloke replied " Well the sex is still the same........ but all the ironing is piling up "

[Burningaham]

A butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, when he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - CRASH !! - against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, bangs his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big ugly guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy:

"What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds,

"Genius - what are you talking about?”

It's the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!"

[BalaamBoy]

Reminds me of an old Russ Abbott joke.

Superman is in bed with the flu, so he throws some money to his dog and asks him to go and buy a newspaper.

An hour later, no sign of the dog. So he gets himself up and into his costume and flies off to look for him.

After a few minutes of circling he sees his dog - he's in an alley, shagging another dog. So he flies down, kicks him off and says, "what are you playing at? You've never done this before"

To which the dog replies,

"Well I've never had the money before"

[vietnammer]

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your 'X', she's never coming back and don't ask Y.

[DoubleDave]

Paddy climbs up to the top board of the swimming baths with a large fish under his arm. Murphy shouts up, "What you gonna do with that?"

Paddy replies, "Triple somersault with pike."

[Dover KUMB fan]

My wife nominated me for this ice bucket challenge nonsense.
I dont recall seeing anyone else being handed a plugged in toaster beforehand though.

[Burningaham]

Reminds me of an old Russ Abbott joke.

Superman is in bed with the flu, so he throws some money to his dog and asks him to go and buy a newspaper.

An hour later, no sign of the dog. So he gets himself up and into his costume and flies off to look for him.

After a few minutes of circling he sees his dog - he's in an alley, shagging another dog. So he flies down, kicks him off and says, "what are you playing at? You've never done this before"

To which the dog replies,

"Well I've never had the money before"

I was on youtube the other night looking for something else and found some old Russ Abbot from 'The Comedians' - I'd forgotten how funny he was.

[uptonparkhurst]

From one of Russ Abbott's "Vince Prince" songs:

"She had a face like a dog so I thought I'd call her over"