The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[screech]

A few weeks ago, my wife tells me that on her birthday she wants me to treat her like a princess.

So on the big day, I got her drunk, put her in a Mercedes, and crashed it into a wall.

Did she di?

[rare as rockinghorse shat]

Dead as a Dodi

[Sauce!]

On a completely unrelated topic, Kate Middleton recently asked the Queen the secret of a long and happy marriage.

HRH replied "Always wear a seatbelt, and don't piss me off".

[ak-47]

A police officer called the station on his radio.
I have an interesting case here . An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the wet floor she just moped.

Have you arrested the woman?

Not yet . The floors still wet.

[Arnold Layne]

A police officer called the station on his radio.
I have an interesting case here . An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the wet floor she just moped.

Have you arrested the woman?

Not yet . The floors still wet.

Lambretta or puch?

[ham34mer]

They are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can't come, just let them know.

[ham34mer]

Marriage is like a hand grenade..

Remove the ring and you'll never see the house again!!

[Sauce!]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

It starts with two hearts and a diamond.

At the end you just wish you had a club and a spade.

[ageing hammer]

I blonde was in a garden centre and was looking at a sun dial.

She asked the sales assistant what this thin was.

He told her " is a sun dial, the sun casts a shadow and you can tell the time by it "

The Blonde was amazed and said " Wow what will they think of next "

[ak-47]

My mate has just taken up painting and decorating . He only uses cheese. Hes doing really well.

His best piece was when he did his wife

He double Gloucester

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b*stard, he's never been out of the garden."

[Burningaham]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asked the teacher,
"Are you sure about it being a stork, Miss?

I think you’re getting your birds mixed up, 'cos my big sister just had a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Southend........"

[ham34mer]

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style.

Where the husband sits & begs, while the wife rolls over & plays dead!

[ageing hammer]

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style.

Where the husband sits & begs, while the wife rolls over & plays dead!

Absolutely Brilliant

[Al the Airborne Dog]

My very attractive female neighbour was complaining about her underwear going missing from her washing line.
Then she started to accuse me of stealing them, I was so shocked I nearly **** her panties!!!!

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Last night as I was getting into bed and pulling off my boxers my missus said to me ...

"you spoil them dogs".

[Sauce!]

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?

Jason's Doner Van.

[ham34mer]

Good news at last for insomniacs.

Only 5 sleeps til Christmas!

[ham34mer]

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

[ageing hammer]

Good news at last for insomniacs.

Only 5 sleeps til Christmas!

Nearly pissed myself