The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
for those of you easily offended please look away !!!
Katie Price has called her baby Bunny.
Nice bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she already has.
Katie Price has called her baby Bunny.
Nice bit of meat to go with the vegetable that she already has.
- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My Missus cooking hit a new low yesterday,
She managed to set the neighbours smoke alarm off!
She managed to set the neighbours smoke alarm off!
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I cdnuolt blveiee tath I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Enjoy
Don’t Shave That Hair!!!
My friend recently made a mistake in his life, and I offer his story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with him having trouble dumping. These are in his words. I tried to clean it up some.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My cheeks were smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this
world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic turd-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky brown/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. It felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my crack off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odour mixed with the tangy smell of my own turds blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for this hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
Don’t Shave That Hair!!!
My friend recently made a mistake in his life, and I offer his story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with him having trouble dumping. These are in his words. I tried to clean it up some.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My cheeks were smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this
world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic turd-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky brown/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. It felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my crack off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odour mixed with the tangy smell of my own turds blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for this hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Just £2 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend. Text OSCAR to 62226 now.
What's the difference between cigarettes and Eastern European murderers?
You can only bring 200 cigarettes into the UK before the authorities start asking questions.
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
What's the difference between cigarettes and Eastern European murderers?
You can only bring 200 cigarettes into the UK before the authorities start asking questions.
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Medics say he needed a second coat.
Medics say he needed a second coat.
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up.
Mick grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.
Steve grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.
Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.
I was forced to take the rap.
Mick grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.
Steve grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.
Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.
I was forced to take the rap.
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today.
I said, "Chin up, love."
She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."
I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."
My wife said, "You never say anything romantic to me."
So I said, "You might be a fat c***, but you're my fat c***."
Sometimes you just have to show them your soft side.
I said, "Chin up, love."
She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."
I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."
My wife said, "You never say anything romantic to me."
So I said, "You might be a fat c***, but you're my fat c***."
Sometimes you just have to show them your soft side.
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A famous celebrity once told me that you should never ask a female her age.
Sound advice that from Rolf Harris.
Sound advice that from Rolf Harris.
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Katie Price's new boyfriend didn't realise just how big her vagina was.
He's still a bit wet behind the ears.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
He's still a bit wet behind the ears.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Wonder could that be off Topic as wellDoubleDave wrote:.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
DoubleDave wrote:.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
.ageing hammer wrote:Wonder could that be off Topic as well
That joke did make me snicker slightly.
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
DoubleDave wrote:.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
ageing hammer wrote:Wonder could that be off Topic as well
trick88 wrote:
.
That joke did make me snicker slightly.
This could be turning into a marathon thread
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
[quote="ageing hammer"][quote="DoubleDave"].
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone [color=#FF0000]coming from Mars[/color], are a million to one!" he said.[/quote]
[quote="ageing hammer"]Wonder could that be off Topic as well [/quote][quote="trick88"]
.
That joke did make me snicker slightly.[/quote]
This could be turning into a marathon thread[/quote]
I'm glad you enjoyed it, you've given my ego a big BOOST.
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone [color=#FF0000]coming from Mars[/color], are a million to one!" he said.[/quote]
[quote="ageing hammer"]Wonder could that be off Topic as well [/quote][quote="trick88"]
.
That joke did make me snicker slightly.[/quote]
This could be turning into a marathon thread[/quote]
I'm glad you enjoyed it, you've given my ego a big BOOST.
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
Wonder could that be off Topic as well
.
That joke did make me snicker slightly.
This could be turning into a marathon thread
I'm glad you enjoyed it, you've given my ego a big BOOST.
Button it or I will give you a flake
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
Wonder could that be off Topic as well
.
That joke did make me snicker slightly.
This could be turning into a marathon thread
I'm glad you enjoyed it, you've given my ego a big BOOST.
Button it or I will give you a flake
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Ok Ok Don't be such a Smarties Pants.ageing hammer wrote:Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.
Wonder could that be off Topic as well
.
That joke did make me snicker slightly.
This could be turning into a marathon thread
I'm glad you enjoyed it, you've given my ego a big BOOST.
Button it or I will give you a flake
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Hammerted wrote:I think we've managed to Drifter way from the subject matter.
You will regret this two moro
Last edited by ageing hammer on Wed Oct 15, 2014 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- don't burst my bubble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My mate has just come back from Africa and he can't stop buying raffle tickets.
I think he's got Tombola
I think he's got Tombola