The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Dead Crows

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A35 in Cheshire recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck"......
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Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Police have arrested a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it.
He is expected to be bailed later today.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Me and the other half bought a bird of prey the other day, but we are thinking of taking it back.

It only flies and night and only when 80s music is playing.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammerted »

A guy walks into a bar and orders two pints of lager. By the time the barman has finished pouring the second pint, the guy has already downed the first one. As he picks up the second pint, he says "I'll have three large whiskies as well". The barman duly obliges, but again, by the time he's poured the third, the guy has already drunk the first two.

A little concerned for the guy's well-being, the barman says, "Sir, I really think it unwise that you should drink all these drinks so quickly. It surely can't be good for your health".

The guy looks at the bartender with a doleful expression and says, "With what I've got, I shouldn't be drinking at all".

"Why?" asks the barman, "What have you got?"

"£1.60" replies the guy...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings »

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"
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Post by Dover KUMB fan »

My Uncle has just been entered into the Guinness book of records for have 34 pigeons sitting on him at once.
What a Ledge!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

A Scotsman walks into a pub.
There is normally an Englishman, Welshman & an Irishman with him, but they are all in France at the Euros
:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by prince_huggy »

That will soon change when we get knocked out or band :)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:A Scotsman walks into a pub.
There is normally an Englishman, Welshman & an Irishman with him, but they are all in France at the Euros
You're taking the title of this thread too literally mate (as a Scotsman myself 8-) )
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Jennings, I'm married to a sweaty, and she don't read KUMB, so I'm being brave!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings »

The Difference wrote:how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

it's a new number, you probably haven't heard of it yet.
I've got that joke on vinyl.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings »

Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You man the guns. I'll drive."


A baby seal walks into a club
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by screech »

What's forest gumps password?

1forest1
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Jennings »

screech wrote:What's forest gumps password?

1forest1
On behalf of my children, thank you.

They now believe their dad has a funny streak.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WHU_Del »

Why did the bee go on strike?





For more honey and shorter flowers.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cambridge hammer »

Can you help
A friend called today with a problem. He has tickets for the Euro 2016 final but didn't realise it was the same day as his wedding and now can't go.
If you are interested and you want to go instead of him,it's 2pm St Andrews church and her name is Sarah.
Thank you for your help.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

cambridge hammer wrote:Can you help
A friend called today with a problem. He has tickets for the Euro 2016 final but didn't realise it was the same day as his wedding and now can't go.
If you are interested and you want to go instead of him,it's 2pm St Andrews church and her name is Sarah.
Thank you for your help.
Brilliant :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally completes so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no,it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A bloke was at the pictures and had his dog with him.

At a sad part of the movie the dog started crying.

A woman sitting near him said to the dog's owner,

" Wow that's amazing, your dog is crying at the sad part of the movie".

The Bloke said " It really is amazing, the fecker never cried when he read the book".
Last edited by ageing hammer on Fri Jun 17, 2016 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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