The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[psychoscoredthelot]

"How's the diet going?" I asked my buddy.

"Not good." he sighed, "I had eggs for breakfast this morning."

"Oh dear." I sympathized, "Fried?"

"Cadburys."

[psychoscoredthelot]

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.

I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.

[psychoscoredthelot]

I don't see how all these Christian fundamentalists can claim that homosexuality is wrong.

I'm pretty sure there's a bit in the Bible where Jesus gets nailed by a bunch of Roman soldiers.

[psychoscoredthelot]

My research has concluded that Tourette's Syndrome is cuntagious.

[psychoscoredthelot]

I saw my wife taking a selfie with no make up on.

I asked, "What are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing it for people with cancer."

I replied, "I think they're sick enough already."

[psychoscoredthelot]

I think the new shape pound coin is great. You'll be able to use a spanner to get one out of a Scotsman's hand.

[psychoscoredthelot]

My daughter asked, "Daddy, if you could be any fruit what would you be?"

"Well." I replied, "If I could be any fruit I guess I'd be an orange."

"Oh, no! You can't be an orange." she replied, "I'm an orange."

"Okay, then, sweetheart." I smiled, "I guess then I'd be an apple."

"Oh, no!" she replied, "You can't be an apple, Mummy's an apple."

"Alright, then." I snapped, "I'll be a ****ing lemon."

"Okay, calm down, Daddy," she cried, "there's no need to be bitter!"

[charlysays]

"Doctor, I feel like I'm turning into a cowboy"

Doc, "How long have you had these feelings?"

"For about a YEERHAAWWW"

[psychoscoredthelot]

BBC Sport: Lewis Hamilton handed 3 place grid penalty at this weekends Malaysian GP for handball at Stamford Bridge on Saturday.

[ageing hammer]

I think the ref sent off Gibbs because he couldn't be bothered having to write down Oxford -Chamberlains double barrelled moniker

[ageing hammer]

If John Terry handled the ball in the area there would definitely be no mistaken identity regarding him.

You couldn't mix him up with anyone else because he is a cuunt.

[Dover KUMB fan]

Dead Canary for sale....

Not going cheep.

[Burningaham]

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan'.

[don't burst my bubble]

Irish Spirituality in Action


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life
.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy , I am so
glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass &
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to
leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal
McGlynn 's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat
after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"
After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."

[Ferret]

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

[Burningaham]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Pounds. It was obvious she was very irritated .....

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pond fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you whities too"

[ageing hammer]

[Dover KUMB fan]

A bloke wants to lose a considerable amount of weight, so he responds to an ad in the paper for extreme weight loss.
He rings them up, & tell him they guarantee you will lose 10lb in the first week. Expect a delivery at 8am on the monday morning.
Monday morning the doorbell rings. He opens the door, & there stands a voluptuous stunner with huge tits. She is wearing a spray on T shirt with 'If you catch me, you can have me' printed on the back.
So he chases her for about 5 miles, & finally gives up. After a week of this, he is amazed to find he has lost 10lb.
He rings back & asks for the next level of training. "sure" they tell him" Expect to lose another 15lb this week"
So 8am Monday morning, the doorbell goes, & there stands a petite little blonde wearing a similar T shirt to the girl before. This time he chases her for around 8 miles a day before finally giving up. Come the Friday, he is amazed that another 15lb has come off.
He rings up again & says "OK, give me the biggie. The most extreme training program!"
"Are you sure?" they ask him. "This is really strenuous, but you will lose at least 25-30lb"
"yep I want it!" he replies
Monday morning, he opens the door to a strapping 6 foot bloke with rippling muscles. He is wearing a pink leotard with a slogan across the front "If I catch you, you are mine!"

[Burningaham]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother, who had moved to Florida . The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theater built in her house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. To get the bird, I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:
Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. But the thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.
Thank you for the gesture, just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

[don't burst my bubble]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again"
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his
gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
Seconds later, a second text came in: "Bloody autotext Sorry, Bob, I meant 'wifi' not 'wife"