The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ham34mer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ham34mer »

Q: What is the simplest way to prevent a zombie outbreak?

A: Bury people with their shoe laces tied together!

:oops:
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Post by prince_huggy »

What's Forrest Gumps password?

1Forest1
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psychoscoredthelot
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Post by psychoscoredthelot »

My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.
"Well, so-so," I replied
"That's a pity," she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't love them. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"
"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about.
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Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Just picked the mutt up from the dog groomer's.




Or hairdressers, as she likes to call it.
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?


F5
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.
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OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

I was at a wedding reception the other day and the chap sat next to me leaned over and said "I'll give it six months'
'That's a little insensitive' I replied, 'why do you say that?'
"I'm her doctor" he said.



Edit; tried to soften the punchline
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DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

You were a beautiful blonde sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (15/11/09), you had caught my eye on the platform laughing wearing a pink backpack and a gold headband.
We exchanged glances several times and I was finding it hard not to stare, I wanted to talk to you and hoped we could swap details I just lost my nerve and before I knew it we'd arrived and you were disappearing into St Pancras Underground.
I know it's a long shot but if you see this please get in touch, I'd love it if we could meet up sometime.
PS I've got your colouring book, you left it on the train.
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psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

My uncle has Parkinson's Disease and has been offered a pioneering operation to cure it, for forty grand.


He's that f**king nervous about it though, they're charging him eighty.
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Post by DoubleDave »

"Don't look down. Don't look down," I kept saying to myself.
"Stop being such a baby!" My wife laughed.
"You know I can't stand heights!" I said angrily. "Why did you make me come up here?"
"Oh for God's sake!" She shouted. "I just thought it might be nice if you went on top once in a while."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

Creationists - the fundamentalist Christians - believe every word that Genesis says.
I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to toss me off.
Nice bit of footage.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

I was masturbating on a bus, the people in front didn't say a word until the fun part and they had to wipe themselves down, then they went livid, but I didn't let it get me down, you're always going to cum across people like that
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

What ingredient will you never find in "soul" food?
Ginger
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Rocketron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

DoubleDave wrote:What ingredient will you never find in "soul" food?
Ginger
https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=ginge ... 80&bih=833" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

DoubleDave wrote:What ingredient will you never find in "soul" food?
Ginger

I think it's meant to imply that Gingers have no soul....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Give a man a fish, & you will feed him for a day..
Give a dog a toffee, & piss yourself laughing for half an hour.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

People who are scared of paedophiles need to grow up.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I've bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for Christmas.


He's gonna have a fit when he sees it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Geezer has a shrinking penis. Goes to docs, who recommends a transplant. Unfortunately the hospital don't have any spare cory but the nearest thing is an elephant's trunk. Bloke accepts.

Later, post-op bloke takes lady out to a coffee shop. There is a pile of biscuits on the table and his elephantine genitoplasty of its own will unravels from his trousers, reaches across, picks up a biscuit and withdraws into his trousers once again.

My God, that's amazing! says the lady. Do it again!

Sorry love, I don't think I could get another biscuit up me arse
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