The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Buskerman
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Buskerman »

This one has the ability to appal people so apologies to those that don't share the same warped sense of humour as me, but it's an old favourite so here goes ...

What's the difference between a dead prostitute and an onion...


... I cry when I cut up an onion.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badgermax »

Two lesbian frogs sitting on a lilly pad

One to the other........

"They're right you know, we do taste like chicken!"
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Post by badgermax »

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Old, sage rabbit sees a young, hasty rabbit nearly wiped out on the M1.

"Come ere son, Look, when you see the two lights coming at you, stay still between 'em and wait till they pass over you".


SPLAT


"f*** me, I ain't seen a Robin Reliant in years!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A golfing tale:


A nun walks into mother superiors office and sits down into a chair, as she does so she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you sister?' asks mother superior 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family'

'It was,' sighed the sister 'And i went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can, as you know i was quite a talented golfer before i devoted myself to christ'

'I seem to recall that' the mother superior agreed. 'So i take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

' Far from it,' snorted the sister. 'In fact, i even took the lords name in vain today,so i did'

'Goodness, sister ' gasped the Mother superior, astonished 'You must tell me all about it my child'

'Well, we were on the 5th tee...and this hole is a monster, mother - 540 yard par5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and i hit the drive of my life,i creamed it, the sweetest swing of my life, and its flying mother, straight and true, right along the line i wanted....and it hits abird in mid flight not 200 yards off the tee.'

'Oh my!' commiserated the mother. 'How unfortunate! but surely that did not make you blaspheme, sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted the sister'while i was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

' Oh, that would of made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother

'But i didn't mother superior' sobbed the sister. 'And i was so proud of myself,but while i was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk came down and grabs the squirrel and flies off with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So,that's when you cursed' said the mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope that wasn't it either,' cried the sister, anguished.'because as the hawk started to fly out of site,the squirrel started struggling,and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 14 inches away from the cup' more sobbing.

At this point Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest and fixed the sister with a baleful stare and said........................

' You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

brilliant AH - i am nicking that :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Difference »

how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

it's a new number, you probably haven't heard of it yet.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Why can't Germans count to ten?
One, two, three, four, five, six , seven, eight, NEIN!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

What do you call a bloke who drives a combine harvester shouting "The end of the World is nigh"?

Farmer Geddon
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

V good (and now stolen)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Roy Hodgson was asked whether he Tweets...

"Oh yes" said Roy

"I tweeted my wife to a nice womantic meal just the other night!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

Bamber Gascoigne wrote:What do you call a bloke who drives a combine harvester shouting "The end of the World is nigh"?

Farmer Geddon
Ha Ha Brilliant :thup:
ageing hammer wrote:Roy Hodgson was asked whether he Tweets...
"Oh yes" said Roy
"I tweeted my wife to a nice womantic meal just the other night!"
Did he take her home and give her a wodgerwing in the wingpiece?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

This blokes 4 year old was struggling to open her yoghurt yesterday when she suddenly mumbled, "****ing shitty lid".

His missus immediately yelled back at him, "I wonder where she got that from??"

He said, "The ****ing fridge, where else you silly ****!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to
the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do
with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be
of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them
up and send them back to the bandage company and
every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer but on he
went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you
do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
The executive, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question, replied. "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every
now and again they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do
you do with all the remains from circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste it," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them
to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a
complete prick."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I'm getting married to a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

9 years ago I asked the girl on my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Pavlov's Dog or Schrodinger's Cat. She said they rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if they were there or not.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by BalaamBoy »

vietnammer wrote:Why can't Germans count to ten?
One, two, three, four, five, six , seven, eight, NEIN!

What comes between fear and sex?

Fünf!!
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