The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Dover KUMB fan]

I accidentally swallowed some Tipp-Ex last night.
I woke up this morning with a massive correction.

[psychoscoredthelot]

They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays.

I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.

She just sits in her bedroom most of the time watching TV and playing with her phone.

[psychoscoredthelot]

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Tesco - Every fiddle helps.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland.

I'm sorry, I meant the United Kingdom.

[aboycalleddave]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc..!

[psychoscoredthelot]

went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

[psychoscoredthelot]

Saw a bloke today whose girlfriend was a midget. I thought "There's a paedophile that has found a loophole"

[Paddy O'Hammer]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced many a set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and his odd diet caused him to suffer from bad breath.

This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Rocketron]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced many a set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and his odd diet caused him to suffer from bad breath.

This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A round of applause for whoever made that up.

[don't burst my bubble]

The shortest horror story:


The last man on Earth sat alone in a room


There was a knock on the door.

[psychoscoredthelot]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

[Dover KUMB fan]

I went storming back into my Doctors surgery last night, I wasn't happy.
"That Haemorrhoid cream you gave me!" I shouted! "I applied it last night, & got a nasty reaction"
The doctor replied "OK, calm down, where exactly did you apply it?"
"On the bus" I replied.

[Burningaham]

I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Kellogg's say they don't make cereals for anyone else.
I was round at my mate's and he had some Crunchy Nut Cornflakes on the table.
Lying bastards.

[psychoscoredthelot]

You've got to feel a bit of sympathy for Justin Bieber.

He's been to every single Justin Bieber concert.

[ageing hammer]

You've got to feel a bit of sympathy for Justin Bieber.

He's been to every single Justin Bieber concert.

[Czech Hammer]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[bobbymooresbracelet]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

:lol:

[West Ham Dave]

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and w*nking in front of a tractor.
Mick says 'F*cking hell Paddy, what you doing?'.
Paddy replies:'Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor'!