The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[OxfordRobbo]

Little Millwall goes into his dad's room,
"Mornin dad it's my birthday and I'm ten today"
Dad says "nice one son, go in yer Uncles room and tell him"
LM " morning Unc it's my birthday today, bet you can't tell how old I am"
Uncle shoves his hand down the lads trousers has a good feel and a bit of a shuffle and says,
"You're ten today mate"
LM "cor Unc did you find that out by playing about with me bits?"
Uncle "no I heard you tellin yer dad!"

[Dover KUMB fan]

Now for my next amazing trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a giant wholemeal bap!!!!!
Drum roll please.......

[trick88]

A boy at college pays a girl £20 to climb a flagpole. She agrees and climbs the flagpole.

When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear."

The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you £20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs.

She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

[trick88]

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*stard told you I was speeding, too!"

[OxfordRobbo]

I was a born again Christian years ago but I gave it up

Why?

God knows...

[psychoscoredthelot]

"I'm sorry," said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be slow in development and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies."

"Is there anything we can do?" we both asked.




"Yes," replied the doctor. "Move away from Liverpool."

[psychoscoredthelot]

My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude b4st4rd wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there......................... staring at my knife.

[hammer etc]

Not another email scam. Someone claiming to be a Swiss football tycoon wants to put 10 million dollars into my bank account, he says it has to be between him and me and I can't tell anyone. Not falling for that one.

[OFT]

The gay marriage referendum in Ireand has left the lesbian community celebrating and enjoying the craic ever since.

[ageing hammer]

A busty blonde tourist wearing a skimpy white vest with no bra and nipples protruding was trying to enter the Vatican.

A security guard stopped her and said:

" I'm sorry madam but you cannot enter this holy place dressed like that "

The blonde said " But I have a divine right "

The security guard replied " Yes you have and you've got a majestic left but you still can't come in here "

[OFT]

I was in the cemetery the other day and I saw a bloke crouched down behind a gravestone.
Morning, I said.
No he replied. I'm having a s**t.

[kippaxcockney]

Met an old mate of mine over the weekend, he looked dreadful, apparently addicted to brake fluid.








Mind you, he reckons he can stop whenever he wants to...........

[psychoscoredthelot]

I've opened a gym, in which the instructors would go door to door and brag about the various benefits of joining it.

I've named it Jehovah's Fitness.

[psychoscoredthelot]

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"8ollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and walked out.

[psychoscoredthelot]

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday

[ageing hammer]

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday

Woah ho ho

[Burningaham]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the pub with me today?

But there was no answer from his new pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to the pub with me and have a beer?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub for a beer?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box. . . . .

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my ****ing shoes on"

[Dover KUMB fan]

^^^Brilliant^^^ You never disappoint! :lol:

[cambridge hammer]

Computer : You need a new password.
Me: "Beef stew "
Computer: Sorry,not Stroganoff.

[OFT]

Computer : You need a new password.
Me: "Beef stew "
Computer: Sorry,not Stroganoff.

very good.