The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Burningaham]

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Asian blood. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I’ve now got a 12 inch cock and I’m top of the housing list

[Burningaham]

Paddy & murphy are in a pub when a woman starts choking on her food.

As she starts to go blue in the face Paddy rushes over behind her whips her skirt up knickers down & licks up & down between the cheeks of her ass.

The horrified woman gasps & spits the food across the room.

Murphy says "Well done Paddy. I’ve heard of the hind lick manouvre but thats the 1st time I've seen it done

[Burningaham]

bought my Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual, but i am hoping it will give her better grip on her broomstick

[Burningaham]

double post.

[Dover KUMB fan]

Give YOU better grip??

[Burningaham]

Give YOU better grip??

Freudian slip.

[Dover KUMB fan]

I found out last Friday just how ugly the missus is.
The neighbours were having a Halloween party, & making a hell of a racket. She went round to complain, & came back with some Haribo & a toffee apple.

[ageing hammer]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right,"Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued,

"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife.

[DoubleDave]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

[DoubleDave]

Benedict Cumberbatch is getting married. I'm just devastated his fiancee doesn't have the initial 'Q.'

[OFT]

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar. The barman shouts over, "Hey you're David Hasslehoff!"

David replies, "Yeah I sure am, but I prefer to be called The Hoff."

The barman says, "Sure, no hassle."

[ageing hammer]

[trick88]

A wife say's to her husband:- "I think I'm looking quite fat at the moment, can you compliment me once in a while please?"

Husband replies, "Sure love, you have perfect eyesight!"

[psychoscoredthelot]

My girlfriend broke up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school.

Jon Venables.

[ageing hammer]

A Welshman was asked how many sexual conquests he had.

He began counting them................and fell asleep.

[psychoscoredthelot]

A Welshman was asked how many sexual conquests he had.

He began counting them................and fell asleep.

that's the best joke I have heard from you - well done that man

[psychoscoredthelot]

I can't believe my neighbour has just paid a thousand pounds for a pair of night-vision goggles.

Who the f*** goes swimming at night?

[psychoscoredthelot]

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Jimmy Savile walk into a bar in Ireland.

The barman says, "Not Yew Tree again."

[psychoscoredthelot]

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar in east london.

The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!"

[kaybee15]

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Jimmy Savile walk into a bar in Ireland.

The barman says, "Not Yew Tree again."

Superb, sir. Superb.