The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[psychoscoredthelot]

First atom: “Did you hear oxygen is going out with magnesium.”

Second atom: “OMg!”

i like that one

[ageing hammer]

A man goes into a bar and orders nine pints.

He drinks 1,3,5,7,9 of the pints and turns to leave the pub.

The barman asks him "are you not finishing your other drinks?"

The bloke says "No mate I have health issues and my doctor said I was to only have the odd pint"

[aboycalleddave]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute . . .'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom
mansion plus a 5 million euro savings certificate..
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New
Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' asks Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus!
Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

[aboycalleddave]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[OFT]

A group of chess enthusiasts meet in a hotel lobby and start bragging to each other about their tournament victories. After about an hour the hotel manager tells them to move on. When asked why he replies l can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[ageing hammer]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[DoubleDave]

Yesterday was the most emotional I've seen Serena Williams since she got the chair at the end of The Green Mile

[ageing hammer]

Yesterday was the most emotional I've seen Serena Williams since she got the chair at the end of The Green Mile

The Williams boys have had a great tennis career in fairness.

[r99c]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new ****ing boat," I thought to myself.

[ageing hammer]

When I was searching for the perfect woman that I could marry I decided to look for as close as I could to a woman that was like my mother.

I searched for years and one day I found a girl who looked like my mother, talked like my mother and was almost identical in every way to my mother.

I brought her home to meet the parents and my father hated her.

[aboycalleddave]

I was halfway through shagging my girlfriend, when she stopped, looked at me lustfully and said,
"You know what a fantasy of mine is?"
"Go on," I said "What?"
"Anal" she said "What do you say?"
"It's one of mine too!" I said excitedly "Let's do it!"
There then followed an awkward silence,
As we both turned and bent over.

[DoubleDave]

What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?
Amal Shukup!

[DoubleDave]

What does Elisabeth Fritzl have on her chips?
Daddy's Sauce.

[Eggs'n'nuts]

A bloke goes to the doctors and says,
"Doctor, I think I'm a dog!"
The doctor says,
"Well just get on the couch"
To which the bloke answers,
"I'm not allowed on the couch"

[vietnammer]

Next patient says:
"Doctor doctor, some days I think I'm a wigwam, and others I think I'm a teepee"

Doctor: "You're too tense"

[OFT]

A woman goes to visit her recently married daughter and finds her lying on the couch naked.
'what's this about?' she asks.
'I'm waiting for hubby in my love dress, it drives him wild' says the daughter.
The Mother goes homes gets naked on the couch and when her husband comes in he asks 'what the hell is all this?'
'It's my love dress' she replies.
'Well it needs ironing, whats for dinner?' says he.

[psychoscoredthelot]

What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator?
Amal Shukup!

there was a pakistani elvis impersonator called elvis patelvis he sang

' i dont smoke dope
i dont drink bourbon
all i wanna do is shake my turban '

[Eggs'n'nuts]

There I was making love to the better half last night, when she says, "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the a**e!"
Maybe I should of let it cool down first!

[trick88]

There are two types of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data...

[trick88]

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno... Dos... poof
He's disappeared...
Without a tres.