The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Sauce!]

An obese cross-dresser was banned from our local MacDonald's.

Apparently they don't serve trans fats.

[IABATAC]

Someone's spray painted a massive cock and balls on my garden wall. I think it might be a Wanksey.

[Dover KUMB fan]

For a laugh I put superglue on the wife's lip balm.
She's not talking to me

[Sweeney Bod]

My new Thai girlfriend tried to reassure me by saying "a tiny penis should not be a problem in a loving relationship."

But I would still prefer if she did not have one.

[ham34mer]

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It’s open Mike night.

[Sauce!]

What is the scientific name for the useless flap of skin surrounding the vagina?



















A woman.

[ham34mer]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "uno, dos..." Poof ...

He disappears without a tres!

[don't burst my bubble]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to swear."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with Sh*t and you say something with twat."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
he replies, "Aw, ****, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your hairy twat it won't be Cheerios!"

[Jennings]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "uno, dos..." Poof ...

He disappears without a tres!

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one English, the other French.

The English cat is called "One two three", the French cat is called "Un deux trois".

Which cat wins...?

The English cat.

Why...?

Because Un deux trois cat sank…

[Dover KUMB fan]

Did you know...?
England striker Danny Welbeck's father Stanley is a world renowned bomb disposal expert

Stan Welbeck


Coat?

[ham34mer]

A recent study said you are more likely to get killed by a cow than a shark.

This is so true...

My wife just tried to stab me

[Jennings]

A recent study said you are more likely to get killed by a cow than a shark.

This is so true...

My wife just tried to stab me

Are you ok?

[Jennings]

A recent study said you are more likely to get killed by a cow than a shark.

This is so true...

My wife just tried to stab me

Or are you Trevor Morely?

[rare as rockinghorse shat]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says, "uno, dos..." Poof ...

He disappears without a tres!

I love Mexican jokes.

[OFT]

Nicked this but thought it amusing;-
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of theUSA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[don't burst my bubble]

I got really excited when my new girlfriend text me to tell me she really loved anal.

Turns out she's dyslexic and was actually dumping me for my best mate Alan!

[ham34mer]

Just bought a low energy light bulb from B&Q.

Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

I said "No its going in the lounge"

[ham34mer]

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!!

[ak-47]

Two boys have been arrested for riding a vacuum cleaner down a steep hill.

The arresting officer said the two were Dyson with death

[Dover KUMB fan]

My dyslexic mate didn't get a wink of sleep on Saturday night. He sat up terrified his cock was going to turn black