The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I went to the Jubilee procession with the wife yesterday. Her non stop talking meant she ended up with 2 black eyes!
I Can't believe she fell for the boot polish on the binoculars trick!
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kaybee15
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kaybee15 »

Went to the zoo yesterday, what a con. There was only one small dog there.

It was a s**t zoo.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

The last two,.. and people moan about my jokes :lol:
Last edited by ageing hammer on Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Czech Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Czech Hammer »

lewisham-mer wrote:Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV

"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.
Frankie Boyle? I didn't know you posted on here? :shock:
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A bloke bought a blow up doll from a geezer in a sex shop. He left it in his locker in work while he did a weekend shift. Unknown to him half the lads in his job had a trial run with sexy Sadie. He took it home after his shift and about a month later he was in his local when he bumped into the bloke that sold him the doll. He asked him "how is that life like doll I sold you, did you find her realistic"

The bloke answered " Realistic? I'll say she was realistic, I caught the ****ing clap off it " :lol:
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Lilyhammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Lilyhammer »

After shagging a fat bird whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again, call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."    
And
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."    
cookshop
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cookshop »

Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in the hallway?

it was driving a tractor.
George>>>>>Sam
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by George>>>>>Sam »

A woman is walking her dog when she decides to go for a spot of lunch. She walks into a posh restaurant and the Maitre d' says:
"Excuse me Madam. I am afraid you can't bring your dog in here".
The woman replies, "Ah but this is a talking dog!"
Intrigued, the Maitre d' says, "Ok. if you're dog can really talk then I'll let him stay".
Then he turns to the dog and says "What is on the top of the restaurant?"
The dog has a little think and says "Ruff!"
Maitre d', "Oh right yeah. Very clever. Now p!ss off!"
As they leave the restaurant the dog turns around, looks up and says "Well I didn't know he meant the hairdressers"
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A man gets a puncture just at the gates of a mental asylum. He jacks up the car and removes the 4 wheel nuts and places them into the hub cap. He takes off the wheel and goes to the boot to get out the spare. He notices a patient inside the gate looking on and says hello to him. He puts on the wheel and reaches for the 4 nuts but his heel tips over the hub cap and the 4 wheel nuts fly out of the hub cap and down the drain. He swears and is now distraught as he cannot drive home. The patient from the asylum calls out to him " Excuse me sir bit if you take one wheel nut off of the other three wheels and put them on the spare you will be able to get home safely and buy 4 more wheel nuts later. The man was amazed and did what the patient advised. Before leaving he went over to the gate to thank the patient. He said " Do you know something that was a fantastic piece of thinking by you, I cannot understand why you are locked up in this place"

The patient smiled and replied " I am in here for being mental not ****ing stupid " :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ham34mer »

cookshop wrote:Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in the hallway?

it was driving a tractor.
:shock:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer »

Q Who would win in a fight to the death between John Terry and Joey Barton?

A. We all would.

:arry:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer »

As Roy Hodgson takes the England squad for a boat trip, he finds a huge turd.

"Someone's **** on the deck", he shouts.

"Yeah", replies Andy Carroll, "but I'm better with two wingers."
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hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer »

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

An oldie but still a goodie.

A bloke came into a sex shop on a Monday morning carrying a blow up doll. The shop assistant asked him " How can I help you"

The bloke said " I bought this doll last Friday and it cost me £100 and each time I had sex with it, she kept going down on me"

The shop assistant replied " Blimey if I knew she would do that I would have charged you £50 extra " :lol:
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Czech Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Czech Hammer »

cookshop wrote:Why couldn't the dolphin turn around in the hallway?

it was driving a tractor.
That got me good and proper :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by orbital »

Little boy gets home from school and say's to his Dad, "Daddy I have a part in the school play, i'm going to play a man who has been married 25years', his Dad replies 'dont worry son im sure you'll get a speaking part next time'.
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

A fellow goes in to a tattoo shop & says "I want my favourite passion tattooed on my knuckles."
"Sure" says the tattooist, "What do you want?"
"Can I have Norwich on this hand, & City FC on this hand?"
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Suffolk Iron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Suffolk Iron »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:A fellow goes in to a tattoo shop & says "I want my favourite passion tattooed on my knuckles."
"Sure" says the tattooist, "What do you want?"
"Can I have Norwich on this hand, & City FC on this hand?"

Norwich, a population of over 135,000,

all sharing three surnames!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.
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russell2622
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by russell2622 »

My wife doesn't appreciate what I do for her ... Last night I gave her a massive orgasm & the ungrateful bitch spat it out ! :shock:
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