The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of geezers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexist pigs.


I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing. :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

John stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

John says "In the car."

Paddy replies "Yep. That's the quickest!"

______________________________________________________________________________________---



Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!" and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for your life!"
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Galwayman
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Galwayman »

In retaliation.... :wink:

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You re right. He’s unshakable!” The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!” “Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Galwayman wrote:In retaliation....

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You re right. He’s unshakable!” The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!” “Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

:lol: Very good, well played Galwayman!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the barkeep. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "so thats... one blood and one blood lite..." :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

ageing hammer wrote:Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the barkeep. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "so thats... one blood and one blood lite..."
:lol:


What do KFC and women have in common?

After you're done with the leg and the thigh you have a greasy box to throw your bone into!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A bloke from a small country village is talking to his parish priest. He tells the Priest that some b*stard has stolen his jacket. The Priest says that he is giving a sermon at mass tomorrow about the ten commandments and when he comes to number 8 " though shalt not steal" he wants the bloke to stand up at the mass and shout out that his coat was stolen and he wants it back. The priest reckoned that the culprit will own up and return the coat over fear of the wrath of God. The priest starts the sermon and rattles off the commandments and comes to number 8. He says " Though shalt not steal" and winks at the bloke to stand up and speak out. The bloke doesn't stand up. The priest again repeats the commandments from the beginning thinking the bloke is daydreaming or something. He arrives at No8 again and coughs and winks at the bloke. The bloke doesn't react to the the cue and the priest keeps going and finishes the ten commandments and the mass. The frustrated priest meets the bloke outside afterwards and asks him why didn't you stand up as we had planned.

The bloke replied " Well I was going to father but when you reached the 7th commandment "though shalt not commit adultery"

I remembered where I left the jacket now., :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty...
You're crazy to go to Rome ...So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser... "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called
Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place.Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant."
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's
suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really, what'd he say?"



He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Trade Union Official telling his kid a bedtime story.

" Once upon a time.....and a half... :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

:lol: That has to be vintage 60's or 70's
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

vietnammer wrote: That has to be vintage 60's or 70's

Even pre Athur Scargill :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

The advantage of having Alzheimer's. New friends every day.
____________________________________________________

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

________________________________________________________

A man sits down in a diner and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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One morning, a husband, turns to his lovely wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, just you, me and the dog."

The wife frowns, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go...? I really don't want to go!"

"Ok, I'll give you three choices... One, You come fishing with me and the dog... Two, You give me a blow job.... or Three, you take it up the ass!"

The wife frowns even more, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

A half hour later the husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ASS?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Ew! It tastes totally disgusting... It tastes shitty and stuff!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

A clown has been fired from the circus.
Naturally he's none to pleased about it, so he decides to sue, for Funfair dismissal!

________________________________________________________________________


A woman walks into a cocktail bar and orders a "Double Entendre" from the menu.

So the barman gives her one!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I knew a guy once who thought Cunnilingus was a French Airline :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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I showed the same buddy a medieval sundial in an antique shop and explained to him how it worked.

He said " That's bloody amazing that is, what will they think of next" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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A mouse was asking an elephant in the jungle for a jump and the elephant just laughed at him and told him to get lost. Each day the mouse would ask the elephant the same thing and kept telling the elephant that he was very good at it. The elephant said to him how could you give me a good one with the size of your dick and the size of me. One day the elephant finally gave in and decided to let the mouse have his way. The mouse started humping the elephant and as he did the elephant brushed against a coconut tree and about 5 coconuts fell out of the tree and each one landed on the elephants bonce. The elephant left out a scream as the coconuts hit him hard.

He shouted "OWWWWW"

The mouse grinned and said " Suffer you doubting **** SUFFER" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A tortoise was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the tortoise if he could explain what happened.

The tortoise looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.” :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a nut in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to use a spanner to turn the nut and the bags will go away. So she gets this nut fitted in her head and leaves. It works away fine for a few months until one day she just couldn't get rid of these bags under her eyes. In desperation she calls to the doctor's house at 3 am. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working great for a while, but now I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes."

The doctor replies: "Those aren't bags... those are your tits! and if you don't stop over doing it with the spanner by next week you will be sporting a goatee." :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied:

"Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b*stard!!" :lol:
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