The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[psychoscoredthelot]

My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you.

[ageing hammer]

Those last two were crackers

[ageing hammer]

Not a joke as such but crap related pardon the pun.

This is a true story that a mate of mine told us happened while he was in hospital for tests in the late seventies and he was in a ward with 6 beds ( three at each side ). At one end of the room was the toilet / bathroom etc. and the other end the door leading onto the corridor. This poor bloke in his bed with the screen drawn and a nurse was giving him an enema.

They all could hear everything going on as the nurse kept doing a running commentary on everything. They inserted the tube up his arse ( he was wearing one of those backless gown things ) and it had a funnel attached. They then started pouring the fluid into the funnel and he was moaning ooooh!!

The nurse ran out of fluid and needed to get some more from the room next door. She could be heard saying to the guy " Now Mr Murphy I want you to hold it in as long as you can and I will be back in a second. The longer you hold it the better it will work. Stay lying down and I will be back with more fluid in a second"

Five minutes passed, no sign of the nurse. ( she obviously got side tracked or called to another job). Murphy starts groaning and called out from behind the screen " Nurse" no response. five more minutes passed " Nurse" cried Murphy " I can't hold it any longer, NURSE for Jesus sake NURSE!" At this point the other guys in the ward were all pissing themselves at this poor bastards dilemma.

With a mighty roar he jumped off the bed and out from the screen and makes a beeline for the toilet at the end of the ward. Disaster strikes............the f***ing door is locked and there is another old guy in the kazi! "Oh sweet Jesus, open the door for f***s sake" screams Murphy. No way was the other fellow coming out.

In despair he decides to make a dash for another ward to get to a toilet, so he is running through the hospital ward with the tube still stuck up his arse and the metal funnel attached banging and clanging from side to side off every metal bed in the ward with sh*t flying out all over the place. The whole hospital got plastered with sh*t.

My mate said he felt better and wasn't sick anymore after witnessing it.

[psychoscoredthelot]

If Harry Potter can do magic, then why does he still wear glasses and why is his friend still a ginger?

[dodgy dave]

Knock,Knock

Who's there?

The pilot

[psychoscoredthelot]

I had to call Pete into the office.

"One of the secretaries has complained about your sexist remarks," I said. "If you do it again I'm going to have to give you a final warning."

"Complained?" he asked. "Which one?"

"You know," I replied. "The one with the fat arse and big tits."

[psychoscoredthelot]

I went for a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer said, "According to your CV, you like pointing out stupid mistakes of others."

"Yes, that's correct," I replied.

"Why would you write something like that on your CV?" He asked.

"duh....I typed that," I answered.

[psychoscoredthelot]

What's the best thing about a BlowJob?


Peace and Quiet.

[psychoscoredthelot]

To get my seriously disabled son admitted into a care home, a questionnaire had to be filled out to assess his suitability.

Passed, no problem, he licked all the boxes.

[Algarve Hammer]

Knock,Knock

Who's there?

The pilot

:lol:

[ham34mer]

If you get attacked by a mob of clowns......

Always go for the juggler!

[trick88]

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labour. "Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought..... It wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

[psychoscoredthelot]

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what ****ing hit it.

[psychoscoredthelot]

Daily Telegraph: "DIY chain B&Q to close 60 stores"

When asked to comment, a B&Q spokesman said "Er, I dunno mate...I just work here...I don't know how anything works. Sorry".

[Dover KUMB fan]

Following the TV Relaunch of Thunderbirds, my mate held a Thunderbirds themed fancy dress party.
I pushed the boat out, got my hair dyed, bought a costume & went as Virgil Tracey.
The wife put her green coat on & went as Thunderbird 2

[psychoscoredthelot]

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.






ne will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

[psychoscoredthelot]

My wife has eczema all over her chest.

She's got a cracking pair of tits.

[ageing hammer]

I've had this one on before but it's been a good while so ....

A man walks into a restaurant and reads a notice advertising that if anyone orders something from the restaurant that they can't provide they will receive ten thousand pounds in cash. He thought to himself easy money. He orders a Rhino's b*llocks with chips. The waiter returns with 2 meatballs and chips and serves the guy. "wait one minute" he said, "How do I know these are actually a Rhino's balls here". The waiter brings him into the kitchen and sure enough there is a Rhino dead on the table minus his testicles. After his meal the man pays his bill and asks the waiter has anyone ever won the ten thousand pounds.

The waiter said :

"Well we are open 25 years and we only ever had to pay out once, one day a bloke came in and he ordered Mermaid's tits on toast and would you believe it,we'd only run out of bread"

[Burningaham]

This is the real story behind the Clinton-Lewinsky affair.

Bill was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man.

The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to his chief of staff about the cook, only to be told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went OK but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook scratching his ass and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

He undid his trousers and ran in, whereupon he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees!

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard him whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Monica, Please sack my cook!"

[Dan1326]

If Richie Benaud could hear some of the jokes about him after he died ...

He'd be spinning in his grave.