The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Jennings]

The chap who invented dental floss has been awarded a Nobel prize.













At the ceremony they gave him a little plaque.

[Ferret]

Having a discussion about rowing boats at work today.

i said i don't mind if i sit on the left or right side,

either oar to me!.

[Eggs'n'nuts]

'Cause you know what separates the men from the boys...................Operation Yewtree!

[lewisham-mer]

Apparently I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep.....

its called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

[vietnammer]

Yesterday my wife sent me a text saying she was in casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it and didn't see her. She still hasn't come home and I'm bloody starving.

[lewisham-mer]

What do you call an Eskimo's home without a toilet?

An Ig

[Burningaham]

A bloke and his Mrs are driving down a motorway when the Mrs says, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".

[Burningaham]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

[Burningaham]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

the voice comes back "I'm over here on the swing,"

[ageing hammer]

[Monkeybubbles]

My wife has just bought a ruler from Smiths.

Heaven knows I'm measurable now.

[trick88]

What do you call a Dictionary on drugs?



High Definition.

[trick88]

I tried to make my racing snail faster so i took the shell off it

If anything it's just made it more sluggish

[Etonhammer]

I tried to make my racing snail faster so i took the shell off it

If anything it's just made it more sluggish

[psychoscoredthelot]

Jürgen Klopp, "I'll have people climbing all over each other to come and watch Liverpool..."

Too soon, Jürgen, too soon.

[Bamber Gascoigne]

In late Victorian times when the British Empire was in its prime, the army sent a new commanding officer out to a remote jungle outpost in deepest Africa to relieve the old retiring colonel.

On greeting his replacement the old Colonel tells his replacement ''Come and meet my, sorry your right-hand man, the great Captain Dithers – amazing chap, indeed somewhat of a legend in these parts.”

They walk across the parade ground and there inside the Officer mess, Captain Dithers is introduced to the new CO – who is dumbstruck by what he sees. There in front of him is Captain Dithers – he has the facial features of the elephant man, stands only 3 feet tall, is crossed eyed, had ears like an African elephant, one arm at least half as long as the other, a hunched back, huge man breasts and feet that are at least size 15’s!

''Dithers, old bean,'' barked the old colonel, ''this here’s your new CO. I’ve told him you’re quite a celeb’ around here. Now be a good fellow and fill him in about yourself and why you are such a legend.''

''Well, Sir” started Dithers in a lispy tone, “I won the boat race with Cambridge, went to Sandhurst and left with the highest ever pass rate, was handpicked to join the regiment and won the Military Cross and bar after three solo expeditions behind enemy lines including saving the Colonel. I single handedly captured an enemy stronghold for which I was reward by being one of the first living recipients of the Victoria Cross. I've represented the Army in equestrian, Rugby, and Cricket and was Services rifle marksman for the year 1875, and ……..”

''For God’s sake man” roared the old Colonel “Your new CO can find all that bloody waffle in your file man. Now come on, cut to the chase and tell him about that day you told that local witch doctor to get f*cked......''

[pablo jaye]

My wife has just bought a ruler from Smiths.

Heaven knows I'm measurable now.

I have had to get my coat several times already after telling that joke today ... excellent stuff!!

[El Diablo]

I tried to make my racing snail faster so i took the shell off it

If anything it's just made it more sluggish

A few Snail facts

Snails get their shells shiny by using snail varnish!

Snails are the worlds strongest animal because they carry their house on their back

Snails are not served at McDonalds because they only serve fast food!

[ageing hammer]

Sorry chaps can't resist this one.

An Englishman walks into a bar................there is usually a Welshman, a Scot and an Irishman in this joke but they are all still at the Rugby World Cup.

[psychoscoredthelot]

very good AH