The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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delbert
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert »

Teacher says to little Johnny " if you've got 5 mars bars and I ask you to give Abdul 2 of your mars bars how many would you have left?"
"5" replies Johnny.......
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by el pato »

Two cows in a field,one went "Moooooo", the other one said" i knew you going to say that"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert »

A little boy grows up on a farm and is fascinated by tractors, he collects models of tractors, he drives his dads tractor, he visits tractor fairs and his bedroom wall is covered in pictures of tractors. Eventually he reaches puberty and his interest in tractors wains as he discovers a more healthy interest in girls.
A few years go by and as a young lad in his early twenties he is walking along the road when he sees a building on fire with someone leaning out of the window shouting for help. Without hesitation the lad runs into the burning building and rescues the victim, he's just catching his breath when someone else starts shouting for help. In he goes again and this time he comes out with two rescued victims.
The fire brigade turn up and start putting out the fire when one of them gets to hear about the young lads bravery, the fireman comes over to him asks him how he managed to survive going into a burning building full of smoke not once but twice to rescue three people. "Well, I breathed out as much as I could so when I went into the building I could breath in as much smoke as possible before blowing it all out of the window, that way I cleared the room so I could see what to do and also keep the smoke away from the people"
"But that's impossible" the fireman exclaimed.
"Not really" the young lad replied. "I'm an ex tractor fan"........
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by west ham15 »

Apparently, some watches will work up to the depth of 200 metres. I guess it would come in handy if you wanted to fist Katie Price.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

el pato wrote:Two cows in a field,one went "Moooooo", the other one said" i knew you going to say that"
excellent - nice work mate

this thread is over as you wont hear a better joke than this - ffs
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by waldo-the-hammer »

Took the wife to the doctors yesterday to sort out her tourettes.
Turns out she doesn't have it.
I am a c**t.
And she does want me to f**k off.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!


I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by orbital »

lewisham-mer wrote:Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!


I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
You sure :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Czech Hammer »

lewisham-mer wrote:Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!


I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
10/10 :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

A ventriloquist goes on to a farm and says to the farmer is that your dog? yep, why? Do you mind if I talk to him? :eh: er, ok mate do what you like...

Does he look after you?
Yeah, he's good, takes me for walks, feeds me well, he's ok.

Is that your horse over there? Yes. Do you mind if I talk to him? alright you bloody weirdo, go ahead

Does he look after you?
Yeah, he's good, lets me roam where I please, feeds me well, he's ok.

Is that your sheep over thTHAT SHEEP'S A ****ing LIAR!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

^^^^^ :lol: (But it took a minute to get it!)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer »

Q) What are the first three letters of the new Greek alphabet?

A) I O U
:arry:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

el pato wrote:Two cows in a field,one went "Moooooo", the other one said" i knew you going to say that"
psychoscoredthelot wrote:

excellent - nice work mate

this thread is over as you wont hear a better joke than this - ffs


Really but what about all the udders 8-)
Last edited by ageing hammer on Sun Jun 03, 2012 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I was reading the reviews on a holiday hotel last night and the person giving the review had one thing to say that was disappointing about the hotel. He said he couldn't find the hidden beach. Maybe that's why it was called that you dickhead :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I see Liverpool's last 3 managers have been an Englishman, a Scotsman & now an Irishman. That explains why everyone thinks Liverpool are a joke!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

Bit of an embarassing mix up earlier today, when i was in Boots, apparently when the woman said " strip down facing me" she was referring to my debit card ... :oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach, to protect his modesty and to prevent burning he covered his willy with a hat.
A woman walks by and sniggering she says “if you were a gentleman you would lift that hat”

The man raises an eyebrow and says “maybe if you weren't so ugly it would raise itself”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:I see Liverpool's last 3 managers have been an Englishman, a Scotsman & now an Irishman. That explains why everyone thinks Liverpool are a joke!


Always felt the scousers could do with getting a good Rodger in :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV

"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by dodgy dave »

lewisham-mer wrote:Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV

"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd ****ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.


Fantatic :thup:
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