The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

What's the difference between a Lada and a Jehovas witness?



You can close the door on a Jehovas witness :D
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russell2622
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by russell2622 »

What's the difference between a Lada and the Flu?
You can get rid if the Flu!

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?
A skip!

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof and twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow!!
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

RIP Jocky Wilson. A great dart player & singer. I loved that Reet Petite
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by BalaamBoy »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:RIP Jocky Wilson. A great dart player & singer. I loved that Reet Petite
Slightly off topic, do you recall Dexy's Midnight Runners performing Jackie Wilson Said on TOTP? The dozy set designer had a full screen image behind the band of none other then the famous Jocky Wilson RIP.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by the wren »

BalaamBoy"
"Slightly off topic, do you recall Dexy's Midnight Runners performing Jackie Wilson Said on TOTP? The dozy set designer had a full screen image behind the band of none other then the famous Jocky Wilson RIP"

Ta mate. Made me laugh out loud. :lol:

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes.

After a moment's thought James decides that he wants to becomes a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea. Whoosh, James becomes a shark and swims off.

Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again. Whoosh.... Now a prawn once more, James swims away to look for his mate Christian.

When he arrives at Christian's house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian. "Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll just eat me".

"No I won't", shouts James, "I'm a prawn again Christian".



ONLY 5 MORE PAGES TO GO AH!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by shammy »

Wayne Rooney visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital this week. "It's amazing, I swear he is starting to string a few basic sentences together," said Fabrice.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by westham,eggyandchips »

Whats red and sits in a tree?

A Sanitary Owl.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by shammy »

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest enquired? They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male t...alking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time. "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the ****ing rosary beads away Francis, our prayer have been answered!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I got in from work last night & done a fantastic impression of Bradley Walsh.
I just stood there for an hour listening to a fat know-it-all!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by mushy »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:I got in from work last night & done a fantastic impression of Bradley Walsh.
I just stood there for an hour listening to a fat know-it-all!!
Er.. are you allowed on this thread to say you dont get it?
I dont get it..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

If you have never seen the quiz show 'The Chase' you probably won't
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by mushy »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:If you have never seen the quiz show 'The Chase' you probably won't
I have and I still dont get it.
Did you make this one up yourself?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

No, but never mind, moving on.
What Spice girl can safely swallow petrol?




Geri Can
:oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I went to the doctor and told him I think I am going deaf.

He asked " Can you tell me what are the symptoms"

I answered that they were a family of cartoon characters and the dad's name is Homer. :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Andy Carroll has this week joined Facebook, he tried to join Twitter but missed..

_______________________________________-

An Irish poll claims that eating red meat increases the risk of death... Especially for cows.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

trick88 wrote: An Irish poll claims that eating red meat increases the risk of death... Especially for cows.

I wouldn't listen to them, they took all our jobs and now they think they know everything 8-)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Galwayman »

ageing hammer wrote:
I wouldn't listen to them, they took all our jobs and now they think they know everything

... tut tut :wink:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".

______________________________________________________________________________________

"An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."

The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"

The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains...and she goes through the ****ing roof!!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
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