The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
westham,eggyandchips
Posts: 25139
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:06 pm
Location: On the tour bus
Has liked: 1978 likes
Total likes: 1466 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by westham,eggyandchips »

What's the smallest pub in the world?

The Thalidomide Arms.
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
Posts: 4661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
Has liked: 107 likes
Total likes: 40 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Bert and Harry had been friends all of their lives and had played football together at school, for the works and pub teams and then the local Veterans right through into their 60's! Now, both in their 90's, poor Harry was taken seriously ill and rushed to hospital.

Bert visited him twice everyday until one evening, Harry told his friend that the Doctor had told him he wouldn't last the night, but pleaded with his friend not to get upset - he was going to a better place and was ready to meet his maker "they might even have a team up there" Harry said pointing to the heavens. "I'll let you know!"

That night Harry passed away, and a couple of nights later Bert was awakened from a deep sleep by a super white beam of light and a voice calling out to him.. "Bert..... Bert... its me...... Harry"

"Harry? But you're dead? That can't be you - can it?" replied Bert rubbing his eyes

"Oh its me alright mate. I had to comeback as I have to tell you some really good news and a little bit of bad news too."

"Give me the good news" said Bert.

"Well," started Harry " in Heaven, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows, everyone is young again, and I mean everyone - all our old departed footie mates from over the years are up here! They've even got a team together, and we get to play football whenever we want and never get tired or injured."

"Wow, that sounds brilliant" says Bert. "Better than I would ever have imagined! So what's the bad news?

"Well", said Harry "I've just heard you're being called up to the squad for Tuesday nights game"........
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
Posts: 4661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
Has liked: 107 likes
Total likes: 40 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

A young American from the city went to visit his Uncle in the sticks who was a farmer.

Over the next couple of days, Uncle showed his young nephew his tractors, his chickens, his sheep, his cows, his crops, etc. until eventually it became obvious that the nephew was getting bored and Uncle was running out of things to show him or amuse him with.

Then, Uncle had an idea.

"Hey, Nephew! Why don't you grab one my guns, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail and a few hours later returned back at the farm house.

"Well, how did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"That's was awesome man!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
Posts: 4661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
Has liked: 107 likes
Total likes: 40 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Billy's was 10 years old when his next door neighbours had their first baby - who unfortunately entered the world deformed.

When the mother and baby son came home from the hospital, Billy's family were invited over to meet him.

Before they left their house, Billy's Dad had a talk with him. Dad explained to Billy, that the baby had been born with no ears, but how the neighbours loved their child, and that if Billy so much as mentioned the word "ears" during their visit he would get the spanking to end all spankings. Billy nodded and said he understood and would be on his very best behaviour.

After Billy's Mum and Dad had got to have a hold of their neighbours son, Billy got his first look at the new arrival. "Oh, what a beautiful, beautiful baby." he said looking over at his own Father, who smiled accordingly.

"Why, thank you Billy" said the Mother.

"Look" continued Billy peering closer into the pram, "he's got beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a lovely little nose -and look at those lovely blue eyes - do you think he can see me looking at him?" and again looked at his Dad who again acknowledged his son with a 'thank you/well done' smile.

Yes he can", the Mother replied, "In fact, the Doctor said he already has 20/20 vision."

"That's a result," said Billy "'Cause I reckon he'd have been ****ed if the Doc had said he needed to wear glasses"
User avatar
hammer etc
Posts: 2797
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:37 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 106 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc »

Guy tried to sell me a Ford Pubic, reckons he built it out of some old corsairs.
User avatar
trick88
Posts: 4246
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:53 am
Location: Romford

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Bamber Gascoigne wrote:
Have I tuned into the Non Racist Crap Joke Thread +1 channel* or have you been watching the same Mike Read video I found in the loft last week? :wink:

see previous page
Haha! I'm sure it's been on here about a year ago too Image
User avatar
trick88
Posts: 4246
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:53 am
Location: Romford

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.

“Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What about the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”
User avatar
DoubleDave
Posts: 2665
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:01 pm
Location: Slough
Has liked: 4 likes
Total likes: 4 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

trick88 wrote:Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.

“Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What about the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”
Brilliant, my Irish mate at work is getting this one. :D
User avatar
screech
Posts: 5466
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:09 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 39 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by screech »

Paddy say's to Murphy "i robbed a shop last night full of expensive pictures, the cheapest one was £180,000"
Murphy say's "Paddy you thick **** you robbed an estate agents!"
User avatar
trick88
Posts: 4246
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:53 am
Location: Romford

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

:lol: Love that Screech
lewisham-mer
Posts: 1716
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:21 am
Location: Um...Lewisham...
Has liked: 4 likes
Total likes: 34 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*ck1ng goofy!"
User avatar
Rocketron
Posts: 12908
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:45 pm
Location: Kumb on feel the noize We've got David Moyes
Has liked: 6 likes
Total likes: 50 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

lewisham-mer wrote:Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*ck1ng goofy!"
DL must be asleep, fancy trying to circumvent the swear filter.
User avatar
hammer etc
Posts: 2797
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:37 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 106 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc »

This fat bird bought me a pint in the pub last night,I don't know why all I said to her was "your ****ing round."
cambridge hammer
Posts: 675
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:59 pm
Location: cambridge
Has liked: 7 likes
Total likes: 38 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cambridge hammer »

So I said to the doctor " I'm really having trouble pronouncing my Fs Ts and Hs"
"Well you can't say fairer than that then can you?" He replied.
lewisham-mer
Posts: 1716
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:21 am
Location: Um...Lewisham...
Has liked: 4 likes
Total likes: 34 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?


Caerphilly
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31667
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 621 likes
Total likes: 579 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

My friend Gavin died of heartburn

I can't believe Gavisgone
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

This thread in a nutshell..
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

My headmaster said I'd never grow up to be much.

I think you'll find my three stars at McDonalds say otherwise.
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet."

Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11225
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 926 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:This thread in a nutshell..
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad
:lol: That has been the funniest joke on here for a while!!!!
Post Reply