The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A ticketless kumber inquiring about the best streaming link asked where was the best place to watch the final. I suggested that he tried Wembley.

He snapped back " Very funny stop taking the piss" :lol:



oops, should have said Wembley66
Last edited by ageing hammer on Sun May 20, 2012 1:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Los Martillos
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Los Martillos »

I was looking at this frisbee the other day, and I thought - that's weird, it's getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me
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Czech Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Czech Hammer »

Whats the difference between PMT and BSE?

One affects old cows, and makes them go completely mental. The other is a farming problem.
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

An Amish lady is riding down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by the police.

“Miss, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“Another thing, miss. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals.”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the policeman.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I can't quite remember, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”
ak-47
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ak-47 »

A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR AND SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"
SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY b*stard!!"

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, arrives at Passport Control at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris .

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time, just a short break"



My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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hammer etc
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammer etc »

Doctor gave me some tablets, on the leaflet it said I may have trouble passing water. True I nearly s*** myself walking by the Thames.

I know this lollipop lady, she's always making me cross.
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don't burst my bubble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

ak-47 wrote:A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR AND SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"
SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY b*stard!!"

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean.

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, arrives at Passport Control at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris .

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time, just a short break"



My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
:thup: At last, some good jokes I can get some mileage out of!
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delbert
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert »

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, arrives at Passport Control at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris .

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time, just a short break"
:lol:
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The Collector
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Collector »

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, arrives at Passport Control at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris .

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time, just a short break"
:lol: An oldie, but goodie. Probably works better as Athens airport these days.
cookshop
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cookshop »

A horse walks into a bar, the bar tender says 'what'll it be?' the horse cannot speak and is frightened by its lack of spatial awareness in such a foreign environment and, confused, shits on the floor and knocks over some tables.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

cookshop wrote:A horse walks into a bar, the bar tender says 'what'll it be?' the horse cannot speak and is frightened by its lack of spatial awareness in such a foreign environment and, confused, shits on the floor and knocks over some tables.

Sounds like a normal day in the Boleyn :lol:
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car this morning. The car was small hatchback Turbo Boyracer type of thing with all the flashy things on it. It was lowered down so far that it was nearly touching the ground. Anyway the sticker read :

LOWER THAN YOUR GRANNIES NIPPLES :lol:
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid little sod do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little twat because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper.

"Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

A woman walks into Harrods.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her -
Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable,
but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to sh*t yourself
when I tell you the price!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

It's a lovely hot day, so I may have to have a water fight with the missus when I get home.
She is no match for me & my kettle!
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Tristan Shout
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tristan Shout »

I heard Joey Barton has been Banned For 12 Matches..

Or in Kieron Dyer terms..5 seasons
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Xander »

Barry Gibb says to the Undertaker "I want Robin buried with Maurice, can you do that?"

The undertaker says: "It depends. How deep is your bruv?"
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Plashet Grove Pete
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Plashet Grove Pete »

TO BE READ OUT LOUD IN A PHONEY SCOTTISH ACCENT...

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?


Bing sings, but Walt Disney.
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