The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Made In Leyton 1974]

A man gets approached by a beautiful lady in Tesco and says hello to him.
“Sorry do I know you? Asks the man somewhat confused.
“Yes I think you’re the father of one of my children” she replies.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infedility and sheepishly responds “Bloody hell are you the bird I had kinky sex with on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and tied me up?”
“No” she replies, “I’m your daughter’s English teacher!”

[Sauce!]

A lobster walks into a bar. Before he can make his order the barman shouts "Oi you! Get out your barred!"

Lobster looks at the barman all innocent. "Why, what have I done?"

"You were in here last night.....



























...giving it all that"

[vietnammer]

Full marks for demonstrating that one without using your hands!



More sad news for music fans: Kanye West was found alive in his apartment earlier today

[psychoscoredthelot]

Paddy says to Mick - do you know why divers fall out of the boat backwards ?

mick says - no

paddy says - cos if they fell forwards they would still be in the ****ing boat

[psychoscoredthelot]

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

[OFT]

There's a church for sale near us, I quite fancy it, it's old but only one owner and full service history

[Sauce!]

Fill in the blanks (all 4 letter words) for some non-PC fun.

How do you get a **** to **** your girlfriend?

**** in her ****.

[Made In Leyton 1974]

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets called Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell at the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat!

[OFT]

I said to the doctor,'The wife wants me to be like James Bond in the bedroom'
He said take two viagra, they'll make you Rodger Moore

[Made In Leyton 1974]

My mate’s wife told him that sex was better on holiday.
To be honest, that’s probably not the greatest postcard he’s received!

[Coops]

What do you call a lady who sings salsa based dance songs while wearing a blue and white scarf?

Gloria Leicester Fan.

[vietnammer]

I have an allergy to leather. I find that every time I wake in the morning with my shoes on, I have a headache

[OFT]

If Ryan Giggs splits up with his wife and they share everything 50/50, she will have more Premier League medals than Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney combined!

[Tristan Shout]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault

[Dover KUMB fan]

I doff my cap sir! Brilliant!!! :lol:

[ageing hammer]

Tristan that's a cracker mate

[vietnammer]

Swear filter by-pass gag (for DL)

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=i&rct=j ... 0822549794" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[sicknote]

After Tottenham Hotspurs sad demise last week in the title race, Daniel Levy has switfly moved to appease his hurt and dissolutioned fan base, in a statement today he said"we are keen to rent Wembley stadium, our fans and club deserve to be in regular cup finals, by moving to Wembley we feel , our fans will thrive on thinking we are in a cup final every other week, who knows we might even be able to get our open top bus out"

In related news , after Chelsea Football clubs sad capitulation this season, not to be outdone by their north london rivals, they are looking at using Wembley any weekend spurs are away, however, reports on the talks over sharing the bus have broken down

[OFT]

A lonely old widower meets a lonely old widow and they're discussing the possibility of living together.
He asks. How often do you have a bath?
She replies, Once a week
Him. How often do you do a cooked breakfast?
Her. Every other day
Him. What about sex, how often
Her. Infrequently
Him. Is that one word or two?

[psychoscoredthelot]

:lol: ^^^^^