The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Lilyhammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Lilyhammer »

A FA spokesman spoke to Roy Hodgson and said remember Roy we've got no Wayne for the 1st 2 games of the euro's
Hodgson replied " I don't give a f*** about the weather I've got a squad to choose you pwick" !

Sorry just a bit bored!!
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Poor Lillyhammer hasn't bothered to read the same jokes already posted on here :lol:
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, ‘Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!’
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, ‘Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!’
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some smack. ‘Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!’
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the **** out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. ‘Lion,’ they reprimand, ‘why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!’
The lion answers, ‘That little f**ker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

‎**News Flash**,

Vidal Sassoon's funeral won't be Televised, but there will be Highlights...
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Did Vidal Sassoon just Curl up & Dye? :think:
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Bit sassoon don't you think? :lol:
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Lilyhammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Lilyhammer »

ageing hammer wrote:Poor Lillyhammer hasn't bothered to read the same jokes already posted on here :lol:
It's the way I tell em!
Got a spare ticket for the final anyone?
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

Lilyhammer wrote: Got a spare ticket for the final anyone?
Is the best joke you've told so far!! :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by MikeNewell'sOldBoys »

trick88 wrote:Bit sassoon don't you think? :lol:
Hair today, gone tomorrow..
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

The girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. “Do you like it” she said?
“Its great!” i said
“It will remind me of your pussy.”
She laughed … “Is that because its precious and sexy?”
I replied: “No its a bit loose round my wrist!!”
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

lewisham-mer wrote:‎**News Flash**,

Vidal Sassoon's funeral won't be Televised, but there will be Highlights...



:clap:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Those people who are against gay marriage and say ''In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'', are so narrow minded..

Everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Georgee Paris »

I normally like your jokes but that one was rubbish...sorry lew! :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by russell2622 »

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers!

:oops: I'll fetch me coat
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
Government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
Facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.
She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada





Dear Concerned Citizen,


Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or
L.A.R.K. For short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in
your letter of complaint!

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended
in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,
we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his
'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.


We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple
items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or
relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even
violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or
your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman
form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his
sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and
he has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the new dress code
that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the
proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.


Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,



Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense
:lol:
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Georgee Paris
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Georgee Paris »

I just found out my friend Gavin has died of an overdose of indigestion medicine.
Can't believe Gav is Gone.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by SiamHammer »

What do you call a female peacock?











A peacunt !!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by west ham15 »

Mancini: "Wanna Hear a joke?"
Sir Alex Ferguson: 'okkkk???'
Mancini: 'Barclays Premier league'
Sir Alex Ferguson: 'I didn't get it'

Mancini: "Exactly!!'
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