The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[psychoscoredthelot]

i just found out that the bloke who stole my diary has died





my thoughts are with his family

[Penfold711]

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction.

Finally, he called the Archangel Gabriel over to have a look.
"Just see", said God, "this is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some"

Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent", he acknowledged, "but haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"

"Just wait until you see the neighbours they're getting", replied God.

[Dover KUMB fan]

If you are thinking of going on holiday to Argentina, it's not the warmest place in the world.
I would even go as far as to say its bordering on Chile.

[Monkeybubbles]

I was talking to the landlord in my local the other day.....

Landlord: "We had a right case in here last weekend. Tried to pick a fight with a couple of locals, felt up the barmaid, and pushed over a table of drinks on his way out. Turns out he's a famous Spanish actor....forgotten his name.....played a Bond villain...."

Me: "Javier Bardem?"

Landlord: "No, he's allowed back in if he behaves himself".

[russell2622]

Three dogs are at the vet
The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it will calm me down."
The second, a mutt, says, "That's kind of why I'm here, too. Six litters of puppies up and down the street that all look like me. My owners are tired of the angry calls. So my junk gets snipped too."
The third dog is a Great Dane. "My master is a pretty young thing. Yesterday after her shower, she bent over to dry her legs and I just couldn't help myself. Mounted up that fine ass and went to town."
The other two stare at him in disbelief. "They're going to cut off your balls for that?"
"What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

[lewisham-mer]

A man goes to the doctor.

"Doctor," he says. "Every time I masturbate, I shout Come On You Sp*rs"

The doctor replies: "Most w@nkers do"

[ageing hammer]

Quality

[jevs]

A man has gone to hospital after a sex game went wrong and he had 6 toy horses removed from his rectum.

Doctors have said he is stable

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Next door neighbour was burgled and the b*stards weren't content with turning the place over - they dragged him into the cupboard under the stairs and rammed the hose to his Dyson up his ar$e.

I've just phoned the hospital and spoke to one of the Nurses on his ward who said he's picking up nicely....

[ageing hammer]

[Dover KUMB fan]

A mate of mine is undergoing treatment for premature ejaculation at the hospital.
Apparently he was touch & go for a while.

[M*A*R*C]

Jack Sullivan wanted a cowboy outfit for his birthday.

So his dad bought him Olypique Marseille.

[Tarte Encore]

There's quite a few jokes doing the rounds about white sugar but ones about brown sugar..... Demerara.

[ageing hammer]

Scientists have discovered this substance that reduces women's sex drive, makes them even more irrational and prone to bad moods.


It is called a wedding cake

[ageing hammer]

My son asked me " Dad I read that that married men live longer than single men is that true "

I told him " No son it's a myth......it only seems longer "

[Dover KUMB fan]

Ageing, you sound like a man disgruntled in his married life?
Me on the other hand, I married Miss Right.

I just never knew her first name was feckin' Always!

[ageing hammer]

Ageing, you sound like a man disgruntled in his married life?
Me on the other hand, I married Miss Right.

I just never knew her first name was feckin' Always!

On the contrary I am married to the best woman in the world.

[delbert]

You're leaving that punchline hanging for some time mate.......

[woodford]

On the contrary I am married to the best woman in the world.

She's looking at your laptop isnt she

[Burningaham]

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf and he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down, so he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot... Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot..... Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot...... Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot..... Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot:..... Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot..... Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that, you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.