The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your ***** record again.
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psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial
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trick88
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial
Have you heard that deja vu joke yet? :D
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

ageing hammer wrote:The owner of the Odeon Cinema has died.

A funeral service for him will be held on Monday at 2.00, 6.05., 7.55., 9.15 and 11.05
prince_huggy wrote:
Have you been watching re-runs of The Two Ronnies on Dave?


Huggy at least half the jokes on here I heard them when I was about 12 :D
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psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

For a few weeks i have struggled with the dark mornings and early dark evenings, i have felt my mood go down and felt very depressed and almost had to go to the doctors for Prozac, but light is at the end of the tunnel and without their help my mood would still be black....so Liverpool Fc i thank you from the bottom of my heart
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up pie and mash on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I've joined a group of the second best club in east londons Christmas carol singers who are all gluten intolerant

The only carol we sing is "Wheat Free Kings of Orient are"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I gave my first ever blow job to my boyfriend today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters.

Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth.

So I gave him another blow job
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up pie and mash on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Kesgrave Hammer »

Opps :oops:
Last edited by Kesgrave Hammer on Thu Nov 27, 2014 5:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Kesgrave Hammer »

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

My little boy was looking at my naked pregnant wife when she stepped out of the shower.

'Mum, you're getting fat', he said.

'Yes', she replied, 'that's because there's a baby growing in my belly'

'Oh', he said, 'but what the f**k is growing in your ar5e then!?'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by trick88 »

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hudds town hammer »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
you have to pay weekly for a tv licence in prison
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

My mate reckons I should take my car in for an all over professional wash before I sell it.

He's got a valet point.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggchaser »

A Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled"
"No" she replies "it's just regular porn, you sick b*stard"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I've proudly got a St George's flag flying at the bottom of my garden. It's a flag I borrowed off my neighbour, a former French soldier.

All I had to do was paint the cross on it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Everybody stared at me as I walked into my mother in laws funeral today.

"What?" I said, as the room fell silent, "She wanted us to wear something red, didn't she?"

"Yes," replied some bloke at the front, "But not a nose, you twat."
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