The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:55 am

My wife asked if her Appendix scar made her look unattractive.
My reply of "Don't worry love, I can't see it anyway, your tits cover it." didn't go down to well......
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby trick88 on Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:55 am

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I’m not paying"
"I know" says the man "I’m paying."

A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I’m not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.

The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I’m not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow, "Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby trick88 on Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:59 am

A woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I’m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in, " and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby yells, "What the hell was that?"The wife explains, "That was just my virginity snapping." The husband replies, "Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:58 pm

My Nan was taking the pill for 20 years before she found out it was only aspirin.


She had 17 children but NEVER had a headache :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:47 pm

A little boy says to his Mum, "Why am I black & you are white?"
His mum replies "Don't go there son. I was that smashed at that party, you are lucky you don't ****ing bark!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tristan Shout on Sun Apr 29, 2012 5:46 pm

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.
I sprinkled some more over the bed.
I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.
I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening ever.
I was quite nervous.....

Now all I needed was the perfect way to introduce myself..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Sun Apr 29, 2012 8:40 pm

A blond arrived at the Golden Gates and on meeting St Peter asked to enter Heaven. St Peter said; "Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.."

"That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?" asked the Blonde.

St Peter said "The first is which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is how many seconds are there in a year? The third is what was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."


So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The Blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.


"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "How many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!" "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the Blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy." "Andy??", said St Peter. "Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the Blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the Blonde entered Heaven...


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
>>> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>>>
>>> Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
>>> Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
>>> Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
>>> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
>>> Operator: 'Went away?'
>>> Caller: 'They disappeared.'
>>> Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
>>> Caller: 'Nothing.'
>>> Operator: 'Nothing??'
>>> Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
>>> Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
>>> Caller: 'How do I tell?'
>>> Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
>>> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
>>> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
>>> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
>>> Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
>>> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
>>> Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
>>> Caller: 'I don't know.'
>>> Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
>>> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
>>> Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
>>> Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
>>> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
>>> Caller: 'No.'
>>> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
>>> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
>>> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
>>> Caller: 'I can't reach.'
>>> Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
>>> Caller: 'No.'
>>> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
>>> Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
>>> Operator: 'Dark??'
>>> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
>>> ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
>>> Caller: 'I can't.'
>>> Operator: 'No? Why not??'
>>> Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
>>> Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
>>> Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
>>> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
>>> Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
>>> Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
>>> Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
>>> Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
>>> Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby HenrytheHammer on Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:07 am

I got the sack from my job in a restaurant kitchen last week just for turning on the dishwasher...

Bit harsh.. I didn't know she was the bosses daughter.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:53 am

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently 'A meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call No 69
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:29 am

This bloke met a chinese lady in a pub and they ended up in bed in her flat. After a while kissing and cuddling etc... the bloke said " I would really love a 69"

The girl said " If you think I am getting up at this hour cooking you have another thing coming" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:32 am

In Ireland to celebrate St Patrick's day next year they are bringing out shamrock shaped condoms..........so you will be able to **** left right and centre. :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:56 am

I remember in the late 70's I ran out of smokes, so I went into a Chinese take-away & asked for 20 No6
I walked out with 4 bags full of Egg fried rice
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ak-47 on Mon Apr 30, 2012 12:14 pm

A man tells his doc , " i'm afraid to get married as i think my knob is too small. "
Doc replies , "Get a job on a dairy farm , every day dip your penis in cows milk and the calf will suck the milk off . This will naturally stretch it ."
2 months later the man returns .
" Did you get married then ?" asks the doc .
"Did i **** .....I bought the calf instead ......................"

A Welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep and a collie for company .
After a few days the Welshman begins to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep .
The Collie's instincts kick in and he won't let him anywhere near the sheep .
The next morning , to his delight , a beautiful young woman is washed ashore ,
" You've saved my life " says the Welshman "Can you take the dog for a walk ?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jemmo on Tue May 01, 2012 1:42 pm

women goes to the doctors with bruise's on her face.doctor ask's "what happened"? she say's "every time my husband come's home drunk he hit's me".doc say's "next time he come's home drunk,take a glass of water and swish it around in your mouth,but don't swallow it until he is asleep.two week's later she goes back to the doctors.she say's "it's brilliant,he never hits me now but how does the water work"?doc say's"the water does **** all ,it's the keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"...................................this is my 1st post :raver: now back to stalking!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Fishbone on Tue May 01, 2012 1:52 pm

I'm going to open a cafe near the local mosque and call it "Alan's Snack Bar".

Just think of all the free advertising I'll get!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue May 01, 2012 3:59 pm

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.......

I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"


One of them screamed, "It's WALES, you friggin' IDIOT!"



So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"



That's all I remember..... :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue May 01, 2012 4:36 pm

As the coffin was being lowered at a Traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside shouts: "Help! Help! Let me out! I'm not dead!"
The Vicar leans over, sucking air through his teeth and says "Too late sir, I've done the paperwork now"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tristan Shout on Tue May 01, 2012 6:00 pm

Lukas Podolski "I'm moving to Arsenal to win trophies".

And they say the Germans haven't got a sense of humour.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tristan Shout on Tue May 01, 2012 6:02 pm

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right ****ing idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue May 01, 2012 6:18 pm

Fishbone wrote:I'm going to open a cafe near the local mosque and call it "Alan's Snack Bar".

Just think of all the free advertising I'll get!!

Sorry, I don't get it :oops:
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