The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[lewisham-mer]

Jeez louise, are you flirting with him or is that some sort of homosexual challenge?

Ummmm...the joke was about masturbation and "getting himself off"...

AH added his own great pun on the end

[trick88]

I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

The cruel c**t didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.

[ageing hammer]

I was doing a crossword the other day and asked someone in the coffee room to help me as I was stuck on the last word.

I told them it was a four letter word ending in the letters -. u n t. and the clue was "of feminine origin"


My boss replied " The word is AUNT"


So I said " **** your right I'm going to have to scribble my answer out now "

[trick88]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey-Cokey, but i've turned myself around & that's what it's all about..

[ageing hammer]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey-Cokey, but i've turned myself around & that's what it's all about..

[ageing hammer]

I wonder, do psychiatrists go gathering nuts in May?

[West Ham Dave]

RvP is now writing a tell all account of he's time with the Gooners.

Not surprising it has no title

[trick88]

RvP is now writing a tell all account of he's time with the Gooners.

Not surprising it has no title

Doesn't quite work that one

[Dover KUMB fan]

I was standing at the urinals taking a pee when suddenly I let out the wettest fart ever.

The bloke standing next to me laughed and said, "Bloody hell You might want to go and see a doctor about that."

"It's fine" I giggled "Just breaking wind..."

He said, "I was talking about the lump on your dick."

[Bucks Hammer]

I was doing a crossword the other day and asked someone in the coffee room to help me as I was stuck on the last word.

I told them it was a four letter word ending in the letters -. u n t. and the clue was "of feminine origin"


My boss replied " The word is AUNT"


So I said " **** your right I'm going to have to scribble my answer out now "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSRlEcGDAbc

[Tristan Shout]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.

I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!

[Jabsco79]

Ryan Giggs has promised to treat new team mate Robin van Persie like a brother having met the dutchman's wife.

[ak-47]

I need a name for my Small Faces cover band.

Thought of Small Faeces,but I think that's a little ****.

[ageing hammer]

I need a name for my Small Faces cover band.

Thought of Small Faeces,but I think that's a little ****.

[lewisham-mer]

Samuel L Jackson's finally passed his driving test.

He'll now be known as Samuel Jackson.

[sendô]

Samuel L Jackson's finally passed his driving test.

He'll now be known as Samuel Jackson.

Mate that is easily the WORST joke I've read on here.

[delbert]

Samuel L Jackson's finally passed his driving test.

He'll now be known as Samuel Jackson.

[Georgee Paris]

I'm not sure I get it unless it literally is just a case of him losing his " L"

[cookshop]

Samuel L Jackson's finally passed his driving test.

He'll now be known as Samuel Jackson.

Well done sir.

[stuboy]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."