The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Dover KUMB fan]

A bit like....
The definition of 'Mish mash'
Is when Sean Connery fails to show up at church.

[ageing hammer]

I was playing footie with a few young chaps yesterday and as I am 52 couldn't keep up. Today I am looking for ways of stressing myself out because I saw in a magazine a headline that read:


"Stress can speed up ageing"

[delbert]

What did the Buffalo say to his boy as he left for work?



Bison......

[LeeWHU88]

Ive just bought an Npower Championship lawn mower, i got it home and opened it only to find out its got no Blades in it!

[Cobham Hammer]

Our Local Vicar has gone missing. We've hunted everywhere and are now going to contact Missing Parsons.

[vietnammer]

What did the Buffalo say to his boy as he left for work? Bison......

To be raed in a Cockney accent: What's the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You can wash your hands in a bison, but you can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

[Francoisvander or else]

What do you call an Indian with pink hair...........................................Gandhi Floss

[west ham15]

Eden Hazard set to join Chelsea FC after his wife agreed terms with John Terry

[trick88]

Remembering the name of the thread..

A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.

[ageing hammer]

I went to a dentist the other day for an extraction. He said to me "a quick prick and I'll have you numb" so I punched his bloody lights out. Rule number one never have an extraction when your hearing aid batteries have just died.

[lewisham-mer]

Two Magistrates are done for speeding. They get their court date, but it's wrong. They're there a day early and nobody else is around. They decide to hear each others cases, so one goes on the bench, and one goes in the dock. The first one says, "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said, "You're fined a fiver."

They swapped places. The first one says "You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?" He says "Guilty." "OK" he said. "I'm giving you 6 months in prison." The other fella said "Hang on a minute, I only gave you a fine." He said "I know, but this is the second case of speeding we've had today and it's got to stop."

[Dover KUMB fan]

If Englebert Humperdink won the Eurovision, would he have taken Tottenhams Europa cup place?

[ageing hammer]

If Englebert Humperdink won the Eurovision, would he have taken Tottenhams Europa cup place?

Would have given the hump

[Dover KUMB fan]

It really is a shame that Theo Walcott & Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain's families are not travelling to the Ukraine for fear of racial abuse. I am sure the FA could arrange for them to be in a different hotel to John Terry.

[ageing hammer]

A mate of mine was telling me one of his "during the war " tales recently. He was serving in the Lebanon peace keeping force in the eighties. A lot of his fellow soldiers were a bit mutton and one night while he and another guy were on guard duty they heard someone approaching in the darkness.

His half deaf mate Paddy shouted out loudly " HALT WHO GOES THERE". A voice answered back " Militia"

A spooked Paddy shouted back " If you come one step closer I swear to Jesus I won't ****ing miss ya "

[Czech Hammer]

What do you call an Indian with pink hair...........................................Gandhi Floss

My vote for joke of the week. Added to my repertoire.

[west ham15]

I got a phone call from British Gas to say my bill was outstanding.

I said, "Thanks!"

[cookshop]

If Tommy had 30 chocolate bars and ate 25 what does Tommy now have?





Diabetes. Tommy has diabetes.

[el pato]

Two blokes were fighting outside a pub ,when one of them pulls out a gun and shoots the other one.The bullet hit him in the shoulder,passed right through him and hit a bystander,killling him stone dead.In court,the judge sentences the the gunman to 25yrs,then turns to the bloke that he shot at and says " and i sentence you to ten years in prison" "ten years" the bloke shouts" i,m innocent,i ain,t done nothin" ."Ain,t done nothing" says the judge,"it,s through you that poor man was shot dead"

[ageing hammer]

Teacher asks Johnny a maths question. Johnny if you had 14 sweets and Jmmy took half of them what would he have.

Johnny replies " a very sore pair of knackers"