The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[ageing hammer]

I got my hearing aids repaired in Spec Savers and decided to celebrate by having a latte in Starbucks. The woman serving me asked me if I wanted it decaffeinated but I told her no thanks I like a nice head on it.

[don't burst my bubble]

My wife stood on the door step telling me she was leaving me due to my weird kinky sexual demands.

Seriously, I hadn't a clue what she was on about!

She even moaned at me after I asked if she wouldn't mind slamming my cock in the door on her way out!

[ageing hammer]

A drunk is caught pissing into a public fountain by a copper. The copper shouts at the drunk " What the hell do you think you're doing, there is a public toilet 20 meters from here"

The drunk yells back " What do you think I have here between my legs a ****ing hose "

[ageing hammer]

A bloke is talking to his girlfriends dad and says " I know it's only a formality but can I ask for your daughter's hand in marraige"

The dad replies angrily " Who says it's only a formality "

The bloke answers " her gynaecologist "

[ageing hammer]

A bloke invites this bird he met at a club back to his place for sex. He told her his wife is away for the weekend and they would have the place to themselves. In the height of the passion she stops and says " hold on a minute I'm not using any birth control" The bloke says " Give me a minute I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm "

He comes back after ten minutes and fumes " The ****ing bitch took it with her, I knew she didn't bloody trust me"

[don't burst my bubble]

I got really excited when my new girlfriend text me to tell me she really loved anal.

Turns out she's dyslexic and was actually dumping me for my best mate Alan!

[ageing hammer]

I got really excited when my new girlfriend text me to tell me she really loved anal.

Turns out she's dyslexic and was actually dumping me for my best mate Alan!

Classic

[ak-47]

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it!!


What's the hardest part of a sex change?
Getting the cheese to smell like tuna..

[Dover KUMB fan]

An actor friend of mine got ass raped by a fellow actor during a pantomime performance. I can't see how it happened, because the audience did their best to warn him.

[Suffolk Iron]

I got really excited when my new girlfriend text me to tell me she really loved anal.

Turns out she's dyslexic and was actually dumping me for my best mate Alan!

Beer on keyboard

[jimcollins65]

The latest Eruo 2012 statistics reveal Spain made over 800 passes in their last game. The only way Engalnd could make that many is if they entered Rooney for Mastermind

[JoeyL]

Breaking News:

Ashley Young admits to being an alcoholic.....hes gunna hit the bar tonight

[ageing hammer]

Two dyslexic men walk into a bank shouting... “Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuckup!”

[ageing hammer]

This one could be considered a little bit offensive so if it is just say so and I will delete it again.


A 75 year old bloke who had been on a monumental bender left the pub and crawled home. He had told the wife he was going to play bridge and never mentioned he was going on the piss. He managed to get in home without waking the wife and crawled upstairs decided to sleep in the spare room so he wouldn't disturb her. Next morning he was woken by a very angry wife spitting fire.

She said " you went to the bloody pub again last night you b*stard didn't you"

He asked " but how did you find out "

She answered " The pub rang this morning, you left your bloody wheel chair behind again "

[trick88]

This one could be considered a little bit offensive so if it is just say so and I will delete it again.


A 75 year old bloke who had been on a monumental bender left the pub and crawled home. He had told the wife he was going to play bridge and never mentioned he was going on the piss. He managed to get in home without waking the wife and crawled upstairs decided to sleep in the spare room so he wouldn't disturb her. Next morning he was woken by a very angry wife spitting fire.

She said " you went to the bloody pub again last night you b*stard didn't you"

He asked " but how did you find out "

She answered " The pub rang this morning, you left your bloody wheel chair behind again "

Coffee meet screen! .. Classic Ageing do not remove this haha!

[Dover KUMB fan]

Rangers have been admitted into a Glasgow pub league.
I don't think they will get 50,000 gates at Ibrox to watch a game of crib.

[Dover KUMB fan]

An elderly man gets home from his afternoon stroll. He opens the door & is greeted by his wife with her skirt lifted & no knickers on. At the top of her voice she shouts "SUPERFANNY!!!!!!!!!!"
The old man looks her up & down & says "I think I'll go for the soup"

I got home the other night, & the missus was stood at the top of the stairs very scantily clad.
Trying to cut a sexy pose, she said "Look what I found in the drawer!! Crutchless knickers!!"
I never had the heart to tell her they were in fact one of my old vests.

[shammy]

The phone rang last night and I told the missus to answer.

A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight a*se-hole with no hair."

She kindly replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Boom boom

[Nolovelost]

Took my girlfriend to a dance last night and she was the prettiest girl on the floor. I can still see her lying there.

[WHU-CRAIG]

Beer on keyboard [/quote]

Coffee meet screen! .. Classic Ageing do not remove this haha!


Do people really think the jokes are that funny that this really happens? See it all the time on the net but find it hard to believe a joke is that good you spit your beer/coffee/tea out?