The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

[Samba]

Maybe, just maybe, you can be friends again much further down the line when the feelings have gone but you need to make a clean break now, trust me.

Great advice in your post, H.

[Samba]

Been meaning to post somewhere.
Remember at this time of year to be extra careful driving on the roads. And I don't just mean because of the weather conditions. Some of the worst near misses that I've had have been during the last couple of weeks before xmas. Other people frazzled or drunk or tired or anything, some of the things drivers can do at this time of year are homicidal.
So be careful out there.

[ageing hammer]

DL Your post is so sad your Christmas memories should have been magical I wish you the best of luck on Tuesday that the news is good.

[WHU Independent]

First of all, I would like to wish DL all the good luck in the world with his up and coming appointment. I hope you get the all clear mate. Your level headed, fair and intelligent comments are always welcomed and appreciated.

Secondly, I need some advice. I never saw this one coming and my mates are at a loss and are not neutral enough to give me any advice. Sit back, draw up a chair and. as my mate used to say, "This is a two piper!

It started like this: My dad had an hospital appointment two weeks ago. He's 87 in good health, fit and active. I was working that AM in a job I've only had for a month. I've already taken my leave allocation so can't take him. He agrees to get a bus there but I said I'd pick him up after, because the appointment takes a while (it's for his eyes) and he has to have some drops that make his vision blurry.

He pops in to see me at work, I'm not busy but there is a woman who used to work here here, and when he says he is going to the hospital now, she says that if I leave her the keys she'll sort out what needs to be done and I can take my dad to the hospital. Alas I can't agree to this, as I am responsible for the place, am a key holder, there's a substantial amount of cash on the premises, and the woman who did the job is shall we say is untrustworthy when around cash i.e. since she left the cash balance has always been right, nothing goes missing any more.

Dad poodles off to hospital, I finish work, go to the hospital and an hour later, we get in my car to take him home. He says he's hungry and I say I'll drop him off at Pie and Mash. It's raining and I stop the car, tell him I am going to pull over 1 car to the right, he gets out - time passes. No Dad. I thought he may have been eating n so I wait. There might be a queue - as it is close to closing time. After about 15 mins I ring him, he didn't get pie and mash, couldn't see my car and has gone to a bus stop. No problem, I go and pick him up. He's a little wet but otherwise ok. I asked why he didn't phone me, he says his phone was on the inside pocket of his second jacket. Fair play. I get him home, switch on the heating saying that that will warm him up a bit. As for food, I've pre cooked him a meal (which has had before and told me it was "wonderful 10/10") all he has to do is warm it up. I then tell him I'm going to a meeting that can finish at 9:30pm but it starts at 5:30pm, and as it's a individual 1-2-1 residents meeting I'm going down early, so I can come back early. He's a bit mutton so he says "OK you are going to a meeting at 9:30." Oh and the meeting is in a pub. Happy days so far.

So I go to the meeting at 5:30PM, I'm second in line and about 6PM I'm done: my thoughts are home tracing/food/bed in that order. I go back to my dads, enter as I usually do, feed the cats and I can hear him on the phone talking to my sister. About me. Apparently I'm the biggest c*** on the planet. A proper wrong 'un. A ****er and more.. ok he didn't actually say these words but he said made it very clear what he thought of me - here's a few choice examples:

I NEVER wanted to take him or pick him up from hospital. He KNOWS for a fact that I have other plans (I didn't) and I only took him home under duress. "I can read him like a book, he looked really shifty and I know he didn't want me in his car."

When he came back from pie and mash, and couldn't find me he KNOWS for a fact that I was "round some birds house down the road, sorting out her problems" (My mates sister who has cancer and in hospital lives a short distance away, but she is in hospital) and I was "Lying as usual" to him about where I was. Actually I was in the same place, he just couldn't find me.

Furthermore I was "Going to some shitty meeting, and get free drinks as the Governor of the pub is away, as he always does." Apparently I am a real piss-head, waster and alcoholic with a real drink problem and am always down the pub who is drinking far too much. Baring in mind he was the man who was tracking my non drinking progress for 17 days on his calendar and that I have deliberately going down the pub less (It's down to twice a week max) and drinking less.

He goes on I don't have a proper job "It's ****, a real waste of time, like him. I don't know how he has the cheek to get paid."

My mates are all "Deadbeats, bums, wasters and work shy" (They all have jobs, but he doesn't deem their jobs as "proper jobs" i.e. bar staff, Carers, mini cab drivers.

And worst of all I was going to invite him out for a beer to celebrate Christmas! "Why do I want to go and have a drink with him for?" For the record I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times he has asked me to go for a beer with him. and he goes on "I KNOW what his plan is. He wants to go down the pub, get pissed and get YOU (my sister) to put the three of us in your little car (She has a two door sporty number) and drive him around like lord muck. Why the **** should you drive him around? I'll tell you what we'll do, you can give me a lift and when we've had our dinner, we'll take his and drive it round his house, throw it on the table and go "Here's your ****ing Xmas dinner" This is despite the fact that for the last 10 or so years I have been the designated driver and haven't drunk on Xmas day until really late in case we get a call or something crops up.

Oh and my food and cooking is "Real ****. I hate his food and what he cooks. I've got some muck he brought round but it will be disgusting but I'll have to pretend to enjoy it when I eat it."

I won't go into any further detail as I'll bore you, but I basically stood there in the Kitchen listening to him c*** me off for 30 mins, saying totally **** things about me.

Eventually he come in the kitchen, saw me staining there and with a big Cheshire cat grin says "Been their long?" I said "Yeah, long enough to hear what you think of me." He turned round as to walk away but I kept calm - although I was seething with anger - and said "How dare you talk so much **** about me behind my back. How ****ing dare you." Then he tries to defend himself - he's never wrong btw even when you catch him out - saying that I could have taken him to hospital as that girl said she would look after my place of work. I pointed out that a) she wasn't an employee, b) there was cash in the place, c) She is suspected of putting her hands in the till and d) my boss could have turned up any minute - what would I have said if I wasn't their? No answer from him - he walks away.

Oh yeah, he comes back, gets my dinner I have cooked for him and a black plastic bag and says "Do you want this as I'm gonna chuck it away?" Of course I took it, but he then stormed of like a petulant child who'd had the last word - and he had because we haven't spoken since.

So what do do? We are totally incommunicado, as I am with the sister he was talking to, I've told my mum I won't round for xmas dinner (my mum and dad are divorced and don't live together but are on good terms and we all usually go round hers for dinner) and all xmas cards/prezzies for them are cancelled.

Additional info: My Dad and I are supposed to be living together because of a housing issue we have. I feel like I never want to be in his company again. I'm obviously hurt, angry and disappointed at what he's done. I feel betrayed and what's worse is he has made up things and stories about me and my intentions and is peddling them as fact. It's his lying (both to me and about me) what stings.That kind of gossiping about people KNOWING what I've done and KNOWING what I intend to do and repeating them as fact really boils my piss.

I'd also like to say that I have read though this and I can't get the actual level of venom, bile and pure hatred he was using. None of these comments were said in a jokey, jocular way: these words were used with real spite and nastiness. They were definitely not banter or in any way funny.

Ok over to you guys

[Cuenca 'ammer]

DL

so sorry to hear abut your Christmases past.....and the upcoming news..

hope that it's all good mate..........

not much more anyone can say to be honest, never having been in your shoes, I wouldn't know exactly what to say..

the people on here though are great judging by how long this thread has been running and the advice coming forward..

be positive mate, it's the only thing to do......

[Cuenca 'ammer]

WHUI

what another sad tale mate...I feel for you but again like I said in DL's response, never having been in this situation I don't know what words of advice I can possibly offer....

you're dad isn't suffering from some mental illness is he - it's the first thing that went through my mind. great lady friend of mine in 'ouston's mum is suffering from a mental illness, not quite full dementia but something along those lines. she says her mum gets really mean. downright spiteful.

I wonder perhaps if he is starting along those lines ?

if not then all I can say is stay away if that's how he honestly feels and thinks about you.

move on. I know that's probably far easier to say than do, but I don't see any real upside to continuing a relationship.

of course if you think he might be suffering from something like dementia then you have to get him help.

stay strong mate...chin up if you can.

[mushy]

Someone has passed the shitty stick over to you Indy, and what an awful shitty stick it is.
What's your sisters view on all of this, and do you think this resentment thing has been going on for a while,or just recently?
Has you old man always been a cantankerous mean old sod, or do you think this is something new?
Am just wondering if it might be the early signs of dementia or similar, that disease brings out the worst in people.
At this stage even the suggestion of such a thing is probably not the correct thing to do, so apologies for thinking like that.
You really have had a grim old time mate.
I hope things get better very soon.
Same for you DL.
And as ever your priority is you. FFS make sure you look after yourself.
Both of you.

[Samba]

I'd also like to say that I have read though this and I can't get the actual level of venom, bile and pure hatred he was using. None of these comments were said in a jokey, jocular way: these words were used with real spite and nastiness. They were definitely not banter or in any way funny.
Ok over to you guys

F**king 'ell, WHUI, with family like that, who needs enemies..
Has he always been an old goat, like this?

[WHU Independent]

Has he always been an old goat, like this?

No but he is very Machiavellian and devious. Looking back he's never been a real dad to me. My uncle always took me to football and abroad, he's never taken an active interest in anything I do (unless he's getting paid for it then he's interested for as long as he gets paid) and he is really two faced. Some examples - in his spare time he helps almost exclusively black and Asian people get fit down a gym. He goes to their socials, helps them out when they need a bit of DIY, he even goes to an all black church with them and everyone thinks he's wonderful BUT when he comes home its all The N word, the P word, kick em all back to their own country and he's voted Britain First/BNP many times before.

He's also very smartly presented and clean, but his home is filthy,

Two of my mates call him their Hero, and they really mean it. But when they aren't there he basically calls them ****ers for thinking like this and says they are idiots.

The on set of dementia angle has been mentioned by two of my best mates, who's parents went the same way. He's got a lot of similarities thinking about it. He gets obsessed by doing things and has to get the stuff to do it asap and puts pressure on people to get the stuff for him, but when he gets the stuff he just leaves it there. Last week it was the oven - he had to clean it. He got people to get him all the stuff but it's just sitting there. He buys razors almost every time he goes out - he must have 50+ sitting there. He won't throw nothing away. He buys masses of cleaning products for the house but never uses them.

In addition he watches the same TV series over and over again and he can't remember them. Current faves are Hogan's Heroes and the old Mission Impossible series. He sits down and watches TV all day now - he doesn't go to the gym. All the news he gets is from The Mail, The Star and, good god, The Daily Sport - which he reads because "it's got the best boxing coverage by far." Really!

In addition he can't remember names of places of people. It's all 'thingamibob' and 'that place you know, rumba bumba' or something that sounds like a place that he means.

AS for my sister, she told me over the "phone to F off when I pointed out something out to her and she slammed the phone down on me. Nobody does that to me, so I am Fing off out of her life as she is paranoid, conspiracy ridden (everyone in life is against her), she's a control freak and she tries to bully people. I am better of without her and I know that me not talking to her is eating her up inside as she rings my dad everynight to find out what I've been up to. He doesn't have a clue what I do so it is doubly bugging her.

I was gonna speak to the DR - we share the same one - but if he or my sisters found out I did it would take this **** storm to a whole new level.

[Samba]

I was gonna speak to the DR - we share the same one - but if he or my sisters found out I did it would take this **** storm to a whole new level.

My heart goes out to you, mate.
I think the people on here & your mates have been right to wonder about some kind of dementia being a possibility. It equally may not be. If someone has been a bit of a funny bugger all of their life, well, that's only generally, going to get more pronounced, in older age. Of course it's still an idea to speak about your concerns to your gp.
It's sad to hear that your sister also has her own issues that make things harder for you.

[Cuenca 'ammer]

I am not a quack by any stretch or an authority about this stuff..but....

my friend I told you about - her mum used to talk to her on the phone, ask how she is and if she's coming home to visit. they'll talk about something else for 5 minutes then her mum will ask if she's coming home to visit any time soon. then she'll go on again for another 5 minutes then ask her if she's coming home to visit any time soon.

now (I Skyped my friend tonight) and she says her mum doesn't talk but about 45 seconds on the phone now, she thinks that her mum is not sure what to talk about and might be cognoscente that she might be repeating herself and won't stay on the phone long enough now.

some of the things you describe sound like it might be something like that.

speak to the doctor, it can't be worse and you would feel awful if later on you discovered that not talking to the quack about it might have prevented you from helping in some way.

as for your sister, you're better of out of that by the sounds of it.

maybe talk to the Dr. about why you are asking him about your dad or ask a professional because whatever kicked it off, it obviously has hurt you loads bearing him go off like that.

hope it works out for you mate.

[Tenbury]

DL ,
A really worrying time, hope you get good news. I've always felt the same about Christmas, my parents did what they thought was right, but looking back I was probably unwell even then, whatever, I've always dreaded Christmas, worry like hell about ballsing it up for my kids and can't wait till it's over.
People talk about taking things a day at a time, but I cope more by taking them , literally, a couple of hours at a time.Even though I'm not walking that great, I 'll make sure I get out in the park at least once or twice to get away from it all.
It'll pass.

[Tenbury]

Indy.
Maybe your old man IS losing it. It doesn't alter the fact that you shouldn't have to put up with this stuff.
Seems to me we take stuff off people we are related to that we wouldn't dream of taking from strangers. As I've got older I've realized this is a mistake.The kids' grandparents ' are Italian and all family this,and family that, but half the time they're rude hateful and completely disrespectful to each other.Well b*llocks to that. If people can't treat you with respect and consideration they're not worth bothering with.Life's too short.
Just because someone's old doesn't mean they can behave like an ****hole.
Good mates over s**t family every time. Best Wishes .

[Clacton-ammer]

I am in awe of you lot

DL - have everything crossed for you.

WHUI - my dad has alzheimers & vascular dementia, everything you have said about your dad recently had the same signs of my old man in the early days.

He is a nightmare now, racist, saying the most crude things to women etc, that's not my real dad, as perhaps your dad is not the real one now. Not saying this is the case, but just giving you a different perspective as to what might be going on. Only way to find out is a Drs appointment and then a referral, but the Dr should be able to give you a decent summary on your old man.

Good luck to all, and anyone suffering please talk it out, an important step to get help/better

[Adrianisournumber1]

Good luck DL

I for one hate Chritmas but i have a wife who is obsessed by it our tree was up in November :lol:

I almost decided to go to my mum this year as i just couldnt face it, but i am sucking it up, got to go Tully Farm saturday for Santa slay ride event, the only saving grace is the bar is top notch.

I really could do with the criminal injuries compensation authority sending me there result this week over the abuse stuff

[mushy]

he's never taken an active interest in anything I do (unless he's getting paid for it then he's interested for as long as he gets paid) and he is really two faced. Some examples - in his spare time he helps almost exclusively black and Asian people get fit down a gym. He goes to their socials, helps them out when they need a bit of DIY, he even goes to an all black church with them and everyone thinks he's wonderful BUT when he comes home its all The N word, the P word, kick em all back to their own country and he's voted Britain First/BNP many times before.

He's also very smartly presented and clean, but his home is filthy,

Two of my mates call him their Hero, and they really mean it. But when they aren't there he basically calls them ****ers for thinking like this and says they are idiots.

He gets obsessed by doing things and has to get the stuff to do it asap and puts pressure on people to get the stuff for him, but when he gets the stuff he just leaves it there. Last week it was the oven - he had to clean it. He got people to get him all the stuff but it's just sitting there. He buys razors almost every time he goes out - he must have 50+ sitting there. He won't throw nothing away. He buys masses of cleaning products for the house but never uses them.



AS for my sister, she told me over the "phone to F off when I pointed out something out to her and she slammed the phone down on me. Nobody does that to me, so I am Fing off out of her life as she is paranoid, conspiracy ridden (everyone in life is against her), she's a control freak and she tries to bully people. I am better of without her and I know that me not talking to her is eating her up inside as she rings my dad everynight to find out what I've been up to. He doesn't have a clue what I do so it is doubly bugging her.

I was gonna speak to the DR - we share the same one - but if he or my sisters found out I did it would take this **** storm to a whole new level.

You father clearly has some sort of serious personality disorder, there is even a hint of Narcissistic personality disorder in there somewhere. It also looks like your sister may have inherited this as well to some extent.
The one thing you need to do is to convince yourself that none of this is your fault, and for you to try and live your life in as normal manner as possible (whatever that is). People with these types of personality can be very cunning, very manipulative and very smart. They will have you believing you are the bad person,once they have convinced you of this, you will be the one running round after them and even apologising for their rotten behaviour. Its a weapon of control.

Its important for your own health and wellbeing that you put your own health and safety above theirs - this is a hard task with family and those around us.

You mention 'sisters' , have you spoken to any of your other sisters or brothers about the current situation?

Take good care of yourself and try and have a relaxing festive period.
There will always be someone here on KUMB watching your back.
Good luck!

[Mega Ron]

@WHI

My whole family are like that mate. They cause so much strife for no ****ing reason. It's mad.

It's hard I know but I pretty much steer clear now. It's for the best for everyone.

I see all of them but no more than a handful of times every year and for no longer than a couple of hours at a time.

[davids cross]

Tremendous credit for the last couple of pages.

What fantastic posts...........and this is the best thread on the entire forum.

Note to my mate Leggy, we've both been here a long time,

You are not alone my friend. Many will be going through similar feelings from actions and christmas pasts.

I think more people struggle through Christmas than actually enjoy it.

Think on the fact it will soon be over..........My best wishes to all my friends who are struggling.........I do think about you more than you think.

Love XXX

[Samba]

You are not alone my friend. Many will be going through similar feelings from actions and christmas pasts.
I think more people struggle through Christmas than actually enjoy it.

I think this is so true, dc. The opposite to what the tv & media portray. Which only makes many people feel even worse.

[-DL-]

I think this is so true, dc. The opposite to what the tv & media portray. Which only makes many people feel even worse.

DC, Mushy et al

I learnt years ago to try and avoid media, the telly and such like.

I never have music stations on in the car, and try and avoid the constant reminder that's shoved down our throats.

Of course I'm not asking for the media etc to not be so Christmassy, and it is easy enough to avoid.

I do take comfort in the fact I know im not the only one that feels like this this time of year, but being in contact with more of the people that do dislike Christmas for their own reasons is becoming rarer and rarer as life moves on.

I will be doing a little bit for Christmas though, as I did a couple of years ago. I am scheduled to work Christmas eve until 1630, and I will be doing my duty driving in a full Santa outfit and beard, loaded with candy canes and lollies for the kids.

Even if I just get one smile and happy child, it will be worth while.

So if you happen to be along the 208 route between Lewisham and Orpington Christmas Eve between 0730-1630 and see Santa driving a bus, give us a wave.