|An archive of Cockney Hammer's West Ham-related daily news digests.
Don't shoot the poppycock-peddler, but today's rumours are a bit of a remix of those earlier in the week, with the same names and clubs involved. It won't be long before RVP Ennui is an official medical condition, as his transfer is shaping up to match the will-they-won't-they-MAKEITSTOP sagas of Patrick Vieira (2004) and Cesc Fábregas (2011).
Today's lukewarm gossip is that Robin van Persie will eschew a move to Manchester in favour of a one-way ticket to Turin, where he will nestle contentedly in the warm bosom of the Old Lady. Insert your own Wayne Rooney joke here.
Van Persie's imminent departure is bound to make Arsenal's other world-class players question their future. Quite what this has to do with Theo Walcott is anyone's guess, but tomorrow's chip paper reckons he is also tempted to leave the Emirates in pursuit of blind all- sorry, trophies. Chelsea have a vacancy for a sprinter with a negligible understanding of how football works, and are thus keen. They also have their peepers on Wigan Athletic's Victor Moses, having had an offer of 4p rejected earlier in the summer.
Arsenal will make up for Van Persie's departure by fixing those lovin' eyes on Robert Lewandowski, Stevan Jovetic and Cheik Tioté before eventually buying little known players at half the price. Rennes' Tongo Doumbia fits the bill.
Manchester United are keen on Porto's João Moutinho, just as they were two or three days ago, but now they have reportedly made an official offer of Bébé, Anderson and a piece of headed paper with "I.O.U. £20m. Love, Malcy x" scrawled on it.
United will have to fight Tottenham Hotspur for Moutinho, and AVB is planning to further empurple Sir Alex Ferguson by stealing Ezekiel Fryers from United. He also wants Emmanuel Adebayor, Jack Butland, Hugo Lloris, Lassana Diarra and Frank Lampard's head on a stick.
One last bit of news: Brighton & Hove Albion want former footballer Wayne Bridge on loan for the season.
THE SUN: Arsenal want to report Manchester City for allegedly 'tapping up' star Robin van Persie. Also: Theo Walcott is ready to follow Robin van Persie out of the Arsenal exit door
DAILY MIRROR: Arsenal's two major shareholders were engaged in open war last night, with Robin van Persie the catalyst for hostilities.
DAILY STAR: . David Silva is set to snub Real Madrid and sign a new £52m contract with Manchester City. Also: Goal-line technology could be used in the Premier League this coming season after football's lawmakers gave it the green light.
DAILY TELEGRAPH: The splits at the top of Arsenal deepened yesterday after Alisher Usmanov, the second largest shareholder, joined Robin van Persie in launching a public attack on the club's strategy.
THE TIMES: Manchester United have tabled a formal offer, believed to be about £20million, for Joao Moutinho, the Portugal midfield player.
THE GUARDIAN: Robin Van Persie, announced he will not renew his contract and criticised the club's strategy and ambition, the club's brooding, frustrated 30 per cent owner Alisher Usmanov piled in.
THE INDEPENDENT: Roberto Mancini, the Manchester City manager, is privately confident that Manchester United do not pose a threat to him buying Robin van Persie.
Robin van Persie ready to snub Premier League suitors Manchester City and United and join Juventus (watch Darren Lewis' special van Persie Football Spy video)
Kolo Toure says that Robin van Persie would be a great signing for Manchester City
Arsenal starlet Joel Campbell has joined Real Betis on a season-long loan
David Silva is set to sign a new £200k-a-week deal at Manchester City
Theo Walcott could leave Arsenal next as his contract only has a year left just like Robin van Persie's
Chelsea are set to sign Victor Moses for £10million in next 24 hours
Tottenham target Ganso is for sale after rejecting a new Santos contract
Manchester City are chasing Paulo Dybala the Argentine striker dubbed the new Serguo Aguero
Andre Villas-Boas and Sir Alex Ferguson set for war over Ezekiel Fryers
Demba Ba rubbishes Newcastle exit talk via Twitter amid Manchester United and Liverpool links
Pavel Pogrebnyak completes Reading move as work permit is granted
Bolton's Mark Davies is a Liverpool and Newcastle target but won't be sold cheap warns Owen Coyle
Manchester City midfielder David Silva is concentrating on holiday rather than Real Madrid move
Liverpool target Gylfi Sigurdsson went to Spurs for the money, claims Brendan Rodgers
Fernando Gago could be on his way to Manchester City in a cut-price move following Roma rejection
Sao Paulo extend Denilson Arsenal loan until June 2013
Everton want to sign Steven Pienaar permanently following completion of Steven Naismith deal
Everton want Hugo Rodallega and could sell Victor Anichebe to Wigan to free up cash
European transfer news and rumours: Verratti to PSG, Jordi Alba completes Barcelona move, Roma get Michael Bradley transfer done and more
Manchester United have made a £20m bid for Portugal midfielder Joao Moutinho (The Times)
Arsenal could turn to Stevan Jovetic and Robert Lewandowski as replacements for van Persie (Daily Mail)
Tottenham midfielder Luka Modric's £35m move to Real Madrid is on the brink of collapse (Daily Mail)
Tottenham will listen to offers of around £10m for Rafael van der Vaart (Daily Mail)
Andriy Shevchenko is poised to return to Chelsea in a coaching capacity (Metro)
Tottenham are considering moving for Lassana Diarra who is now surplus to requirements at Real Madrid (Metro)
Fulham want FC Twente's Dutch U-19 midfield star Chris David (The Sun)
Brighton want Manchester City full-back Wayne Bridge on loan (Daily Mail)
Tottenham are considering a £7million bid for Birmingham goalkeeper Jack Butland (Daily Mail)
Aston Villa are interested in Sheffield United right-back Matthew Lowton (Daily Express)
Newcastle are set to sign Coventry midfielder Gael Bigirimana (Independent)
Stoke want Blackburn left back Martin Olsson (Daily Mail)
West Brom have failed in a loan move for Obafemi Martins from Rubin Kazan (Daily Mail)
Swansea are looking at Genoa’s Chico and Villarreal ace de Guzman (The Sun)
Arsenal want Newcastle midfielder Cheick Tiote (talkSPORT)
Arsenal are one of a number of Premier League clubs interested in Rennes midfielder Tongo Doumbia (talkSPORT)
Former Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola could be the next national manager of Russia (Daily Mail)
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