|The very best posts from KUMB over the years ...
Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when she notices something strange about the wellies he is wearing.
Tracey "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink but why duz one uv your wellies ave an L onit and the uva one an R on it?"
Paddy smiles, puts his glass down and replies
"Well, oim a little bit tick d'ye see. The one with de R on it is for me roight foot and de one
with de L on it is for me left foot"
Tracey, "Cor blimey, so that's why me knickers ave got C & A on em"
When the Iraq war started a Nun and a Vicar set off to find safety on a Camel. Hundreds of miles from nowhere, in the middle of the desert, the Camel drops dead, leaving the Nun and the Vicar sitting in the shade of the dead Camel... The Vicar turned to the Nun and said
"You know what sister, i think we are going to die here"
The Nun agreed.
The vicar then said "Well, seeing as we are miles from anywhere, and it seems like we are going to die... One thing i've always wondered about is that i have never seen a Nun in the nude"
The Nun didnt like the idea but after a bit of persuasion, seeing as they were going to die anyway, She stood up and took off her habit.
As she was standing there she said to the Vicar..
"Now you come to mention it, I have never seen a Vicar in the nude!"
The Vicar wasnt too keen but with a bit of persuasion he stood up and took his cassock off...
Because he had been looking at the naked Nun he had an erection...
The Nun looked at it and said "Father, what is that?"
The Vicar said "That sister is the giver of life!"
The Nun said "Oh Great... Stick it in that Camel and lets get the f*ck out of here shall we?"
sorry had to edit a double posting
A man walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, of which one is already occupied.
So he enters the other one, closes the door, drops his trousers and sits down.
A voice comes from the cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
He thinks it's a bit strange but not wanting to be rude replies "Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, he hears the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again he answers, somewhat reluctantly "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the third time ..."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got
some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
Ms Smith was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Smith had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.
The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?"
"How much is nine times six?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Smith and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Smith said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Smith asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake hands, Ma'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."
Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo" he replies.
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?" she asked outraged.
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow...number two, once in a while, I like to
play with my money...Third, I like how money feels in my hand...And lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
"I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was
So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not
too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say,
I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time .....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d* ckhead in the loo
next to me answering everything I say."
Man opens a bungee jump, he puts an ad in the local newspaper;
New Bungee Jump! Millwal, Chelsea and Spurs fans go free....No strings attached!
I always hated it at family weddings when my olf reletives would pull at my cheeks whilst saying "oooh you'll be next", they soon stopped when I started to say the same thing to them at funerals.
A duck goes into an employment office and says,"Oit mate can I have a job?"
the man behind the desk is understandibly amazed at the sight of a talking duck and goes to find the it job, he comes back after ten minutes and says, "Right, I've found you a job in a circus"
"The circus?" says the duck, "but im a welder"
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "oit mate do you know haw to drive this thing"
Whats round and orange?
Whats blue and square?
an orange in disguise
REASONS WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN ....
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just "too icky".
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency pantyhose adjustments.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time.
A man stands at the urinal and as he starts pissing, it comes out of about half a dozen holes in his cock and goes all over the bloke next to him.
The guy cleans himself off and gives the poor chap with the problem a phone number.
"Is he a good Doctor?"
"No, hes' a Flautist, he'll show you how to hold it".
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an add in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"
for all those going to Blackpool this weekend
On a tour of England the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the north west coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands of Blackpool when there was an enormous commotion.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Man Utd football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark !!!
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Everton tops roared into view.Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Man Utd fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi - conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...
It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true".
"I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that ?!"
"That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"
Three Labrador retrievers - one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a wee'er. I wee on everything - the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wee'd in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's sofa. "
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests