The West Ham Managers Handbook

[Up the Junction]

Poster: Rio B
Posted: 1 Nov 2002

I'm convinced that this publication exists. It is presented to anyone who is daring/foolish enough to become our leader. In it contains the following rules, which must be adhered too or be met with a grizzly end

1) Substitions must not be made until the last possible moment. Those substitutions involving tactical change or foresight are outlawed. Those attemting to make substitutions of these nature will be flogged in the chairmans office in front of the board of directors.

2) You will allways pick those players which are your favourites. Any player in the reserves which is impressing in any way or form will be ignored, even during times of crisis. The only way a player can become in favour, is through an extensive period of purchasing gifts for the board of directors, until such time as they decide he is in fact a good player.

3) Young talent will never, repeat NEVER but given a fair chance unless their potential is so great that even the press are clamouring for their inclusion in the team.

4) In any given team, at least one but preferably more players will be played out of position. Bonus payments will be made to the manager when players are played out of position at the expense of players falling under points 2 & 3.

5) Any attempt to arrange a preseason campaign, that fails to include nondescript opposition from the lower & non leagues will be treated in a less than favourable manner. If you wish your sides to play abroad, you yourself will have to pay for everything, including 5 star accomodation for the board of directors, their wives, children & whoever they see fit to invite along for the ride.

6) Fans must be patronised as & when the board requires.

7) In times of injury crisis the phrases barebones & thin squad may be used. BUT any criticism of the board for not investing in the squad will be met with a death penalty.

8) We the board, not you, decide who gets their contracts renewed, who gets sold to finance ground improvements, summer holidays etc. & who we buy. By al means suggest players, but be realistic

9) Any attempt to make the club a major force in English football will be met with instant dismissal or the sale of at least 2 key players

10)Remember Europe is a long way from London. Qualification for European competition is frowned upon due to costs involved

11) In the event of reaching a semi final of a cup competition please use any means possible to ensure no further progress. If we do reach the final it will only lead to raise the supporters expectations & that just won't do

12) We reserve the right to terminate your contract if a) you open your big gob & criticise any aspect of the running of the club b) you appear too ambitious c) we know a friend who needs a job as a manager or d) we just don't like the look of you any more