|The very best posts from KUMB over the years ...
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me," she told him.
"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in
the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the
Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
Not very pc this one,hope it does'nt offend anyone
A doctor is doing his rounds on his maternity ward when he notices three of the women all knitting furiously he approaches the first woman and says
"morning mrs jones nearly time now what are you hoping for?"
"a boy says mrs jones"
"whys that says the doc"
"well iv'e only got blue wool says mrs jones"
the doctor thinks fair point and walks to the next woman and asks the same question
"a girl"replies mrs smith
"whys that says the doctor"
"i only have pink wool says mrs smith"
the doctor nods his head and walks to the last woman
he repeats the question
"well i know it's wrong says mrs thomas but i was rather hoping for a spastic"
"A SPASTIC" shouts the doctor" why in gods name do you want a spastic child woman!!"
"cos i've ****ed the arms up says mrs thomas"
A little Rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
> Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
> The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh#t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us!" The lion answers, "That little f***! He makes me run around the forest like a muppet every time he's done an E."
It's old but still cracks me up
After her fifth child, Mary decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that,with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Mary.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Mary. "And the third?".
"That's from John in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
A bloke phones home from work and his little girl picks up the phone.
"Hello sweetheart. Is your mum there?" he says.
"No. She's in the bedroom with Uncle Brian. They've been there all day." she says.
Now the bloke doesn't know anything about an 'uncle' Brian so he's understandably a little bit p*ssed off.
"OK sweetheart, could you do something for me please?", he says. "Go outside the bedroom and shout that daddy's just come home. And then come back and tell me what's happened."
So off she goes. He hears various shouts and general pandemonium before she comes back to the phone.
"What happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy started screaming and came running out of the room but tripped on the carpet and fell out of the front window. She's not moving now. And Uncle Brian started shouting and trying to put his trousers on and hit his leg and fell out of the back window into the swimming pool and because you drained all the water out of it last weekend he's not moving either."
"Swimming pool?" he says. "Is this 776239?"
Absolutly terrible, thats the sort of joke you make up when you are sitting on the bog or stoned.
Or both even. no_no
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first
met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years
ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has
overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two
old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near
the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his
pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what
follows is 50 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is
banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs
are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally,
they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not
in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just
seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let
alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage,
the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag
like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't electrified."
A young boy is feeling inquisitive. " Mum, Is it true that people come apart like machines?"
" Of course not,sweetheart," she replied, "What on Earth gave you that idea?"
" Oh! I overheard Daddy on the phone saying that he was screwing the arse off of his Secretary."
A man comes running through the front door screaming to his wife," I've won! I've won the lottery! Pack your suitcases!"
His wife answers" Shall I pack for a warm or cold climate?" to which he replies, " I don't care, just get the **** outta my house!"
A family of Liverpool supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas
shoplifting. While in JBB Sports, the son picks up a Manchester United shirt and says to his ten
year old sister: "I've decided to become a United supporter and I would like this for Christmas".
His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her carton of Embassy Regal
and says: "Go talk to Mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Manchester United shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?"
"Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would like this
shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this and throws her slippers and a full can of
lager at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says: "lets go talk to your father."
Off they go to Walton Prison during visiting hours with the Man U. shirt in hand to speak to his
Dad. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Manchester United supporter and I would
like this shirt for Christmas." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the
head with his fists and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT" and then kicks
him from one end of the visiting room to the other for further good measure.
About half an hour later, they hotwire a car and head towards home. The mother turns to her son
and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says: "Too bloody right I have."
"Good son, what is it?" The son replies: "I've only been a Manchester United fan for an hour and
already I hate you Scouse bastards."
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue, and **** on the carpet."
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Yorkshireman in a bar,
the Italian says: “When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa SIX inches abova da bed in ecstasy”.
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats TWELVE inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.
The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt'. When 've finished shaggin' me bird, I get out ta bed, walk over t'window and wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the fuckin' roof".
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