Match Reports

A match by match archive stretching back to the last century. Click on any result to see the report in full.

2013/14 | 2012/13 | 2011/12 | 2010/11
2009/10 | 2008/09 | 2007/08 | 2006/07 | 2005/06
2004/05 | 2003/04 | 2002/03 | 2001/02 | 2000/01

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2013/14 Match Reports

Everton (a) 0-1
Saturday, 1st March 2014
by Raedwulf
''I never did like toffee much. I've never liked the Toffees much either. It's not that I've anything against Everton as a club, but we never seem to get anything out of them. We lost against them at the Boleyn because of a couple stupid errors and some Baines magic. We've won once in 17 Premiership/Premier League visits to Goodison. Depressing, isn't it?..''

Southampton (h) 3-1
Saturday, 22nd February 2014
by Gordon Thrower
''Former World Heavyweight Champion (when there was only one) Muhammed Ali had a tactic called “rope-a-dope” whereby he'd position himself on the ropes and take punches, the force of which would be absorbed by the ropes rather than by the body. Then, when his opponent was looking tired Ali would come out and flatten him. Which is pretty much what we did to Southampton...''

Southampton (h) 3-1
Saturday, 22nd February 2014
by Raedwulf
''Southampton, like Norwich, like us, are a proper football club. Proper fans, a reputation for playing decent football, and this was a game I was looking forward to, albeit with the proviso that we put in a better performance than we did against the Canaries. In the end, it was entertaining enough, but rather humdrum when it came to quality...''

Norwich City (h) 2-0
Tuesday, 11th February 2014
by Raedwulf
''Time to bring out the Earwig song, I feel. You know the one. "Earwig-o, earwig-o, 'ere we go..." I'll get me coat.....''

Aston Villa (a) 2-0
Saturday, 8th February 2014
by Raedwulf
''The Book of Goliath: Chapter II..''

Swansea City (h) 2-0
Saturday, 1st February 2014
by Gordon Thrower
''Strange day all round. I was woken by the sight of bright yellow thing in the sky making my eyes hurt. A brief look in my Observer's Book Of Strange Things In The Sky, a few pages after the entry for Peter Crouch's head, showed that the bright shiny yellow thing was, in fact, the Sun, a yellow dwarf star about which this planet orbits at a distance of about 93,000,000 miles. ..''

Swansea City (h) 2-0
Saturday, 1st February 2014
by Raedwulf
''Kevin. Bloody. Nolan...''

Chelsea (a) 0-0
Wednesday, 29th January 2014
by Staff Writer
''Chelsea may have enjoyed 38 efforts on goal at Stamford Bridge tonight, but the only statistic of importance is that which lists a big fat zero in the 'goals scored' column...''

Newcastle United (h) 1-3
Saturday, 18th January 2014
by Staff Writer
''Report to follow soon.....''

Cardiff City (a) 2-0
Saturday, 11th January 2014
by Trevor Twohig
''West Ham's hoodoo over Cardiff City continued as the East Londoners picked up a vital three points in the fight for survival. ..''

Manchester City (a) 0-6
Wednesday, 8th January 2014
by Staff Writer
''Match report to follow soon.....''

Fulham (a) 1-2
Wednesday, 1st January 2014
by Gordon Thrower
''New year – same old stuff I'm afraid...''

West Bromwich Albion (h) 3-3
Saturday, 28th December 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''Sam's 'must win match' ends in a draw as West Ham's inability to hold a lead costs them dear once again. ..''

West Bromwich Albion (h) 3-3
Saturday, 28th December 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''Not quite sure what to think about this one.....''

Arsenal (h) 1-3
Thursday, 26th December 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''A better performance by the Hammers still ended in defeat, as Arsenal turned up the heat at the top of the table...''

Manchester United (a) 1-3
Saturday, 21st December 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham were predictably beaten at Old Trafford this afternoon as normal away service was resumed...''

Tottenham Hotspur (a) 2-1
Wednesday, 18th December 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''For the second time in ten weeks, West Ham United have beaten Spurs at White Hart Lane to heap even more pressure on the under-achieving North London club. ..''

Tottenham Hotspur (a) 2-1
Wednesday, 18th December 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham United are the final London club standing in this season's Capital One Cup after seeing off Tottenham in tonight's big capital derby...''

Sunderland (h) 0-0
Saturday, 14th December 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''The West Ham faithful sat through yet another stalemate at Upton Park, as Sunderland rued missed opportunities to win the game...''

Sunderland (h) 0-0
Saturday, 14th December 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''There aren't words sufficient in the English dictionary to describe just how awful a game of football this was. Unfortunately, the downside of helping run this site means that I have to try...''

Liverpool (a) 1-4
Saturday, 7th December 2013
by Staff Writer
''That first win at Anfield since 1963 remains a pipe-dream after West Ham were brushed aside by an ebullient Liverpool this afternoon.....''

Crystal Palace (a) 0-1
Tuesday, 3rd December 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''It was back down to earth with a terrifying thump for West Ham fans as they suffered their eighth defeat of the campaign so far...''

Crystal Palace (a) 0-1
Tuesday, 3rd December 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham slumped to a miserable defeat away to bottom of the table Crystal Palace - and once again, a hugely controversial decision cost the Hammers dear...''

Fulham (h) 3-0
Saturday, 30th November 2013
by Staff Writer
''Sam Allardyce can breathe a sigh of relief tonight - which is more than can be said for Fulham boss Martin Jol...''

Chelsea (h) 0-3
Saturday, 23rd November 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''I've had better days. ..''

Chelsea (h) 0-3
Saturday, 23rd November 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''A toothless and lacklustre display ensured the Hammers were well beaten by their West London rivals at Upton Park. ..''

Norwich City (a) 1-3
Saturday, 9th November 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham are heading for another relegation battle following a dreadful second half performance at Carrow Road...''

Aston Villa (h) 0-0
Saturday, 2nd November 2013
by Rob Chapman
''The first game of November always seems unduly symbolic. ..''

Aston Villa (h) 0-0
Saturday, 2nd November 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''Hmmmm. Goals. Remember them?..''

Aston Villa (h) 0-0
Saturday, 2nd November 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''West Ham were left frustrated by a well organised Aston Villa side at the Boleyn Ground this afternoon. ..''

Swansea City (a) 0-0
Sunday, 27th October 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''West Ham started this game with the Premier League’s worst shot accuracy this season - and that statistic will not have been improved by this trip to the Liberty Stadium. ..''

Manchester City (h) 1-3
Saturday, 19th October 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''So that's what happens when you play a team that is actually any good...''

Tottenham Hotspur (a) 3-0
Sunday, 6th October 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''One of the most anticipated fixtures of the West Ham calendar went off with a bang as the Irons ran out 3-0 winners over their North London rivals...''

Hull City (a) 0-1
Saturday, 28th September 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''Another week, another conversation about the referee. What is it about these guys? ..''

Everton (h) 2-3
Saturday, 21st September 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''A quite remarkable match ended (as it usually does) in favour of the Toffees, when these teams meet. Three goals and a sending off in 14 minutes saw the Hammers condemned to their second straight home defeat. ..''

Everton (h) 2-3
Saturday, 21st September 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''What is it about Everton? It doesn't seem to matter how well or how badly we play against them the result always seems to end up depending on what the idiot with the whistle is up to. And invariably what the idiot with the whistle is up to ends up costing us dearly. ..''

Southampton (h) 0-0
Saturday, 14th September 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''West Ham managed to cling on for a valuable point on a dismal afternoon at St. Mary’s Stadium. ..''

Stoke City (h) 0-1
Saturday, 31st August 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''If one has an off day that’s one thing. When six do that’s an entirely different matter. And the result is not usually nice to watch...''

Cheltenham Town (h) 2-1
Tuesday, 27th August 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''The Hammers are safely through to the third round of the Capital One Cup after an experimental side saw off League Two side Cheltenham Town. ..''

Newcastle United (a) 0-0
Saturday, 24th August 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''The mighty Irons faced a tricky trip north to St. James' Park on the second week of the new season. As the traveling fans arrived to the stadium like drowned rats, both sides knew that the weather conditions were not going to make the beautiful game easy today. ..''

Cardiff City (h) 2-0
Saturday, 17th August 2013
by Trevor Twohig
''Well, it's finally arrived. After all the Sky Sports hype and media nonsense, the season started fairly innocuously for West Ham fans. Downing's arrival was welcomed but really all the press was aimed at Cardiff and their rampant return to the Premier League. ..''

Cardiff City (h) 2-0
Saturday, 17th August 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''Ah the start of the season. As Roger Waters put it when writing stuff that also involved crossed Hammers “that warm thrill of confusion”, (though to be honest it’s hard to imagine Romford for one ever admitting to “that space-cadet glow)...''

Pacos de Ferreira (h) 2-1
Saturday, 10th August 2013
by Gordon Thrower
''Not quite a proper match report for not quite a proper match...''

SC Braga (n) 0-1
Tuesday, 6th August 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham's desperate lack of firepower was all too evident on a night when a second half effort from Rafa was enough to secure victory for Braga...''

Sporting Lisbon (n) 3-2
Monday, 5th August 2013
by Staff Writer
''A second half brace from Ravel Morrison helped West Ham to a morale-boosting victory against one of Portugal's 'big three'...''

Eintracht Braunschweig (a) 3-0
Saturday, 27th July 2013
by Continental Skills
''Today was another convincing performance against a Bundesliga team, who rarely threatened. As against Hamburg, we pretty much controlled the game throughout and looked physically by far the more convincing team...''

Hamburg SV (a) 3-1
Tuesday, 23rd July 2013
by Staff Writer
''Full match report to follow soon.....''

Mainz 05 (a) 1-4
Saturday, 20th July 2013
by Staff Writer
''Report to follow soon.....''

Colchester United (a) 2-1
Tuesday, 16th July 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham secured a fourth successive pre-season victory thanks to a 2-1 win against League One Colchester United last night...''

AFC Bournemouth (a) 2-0
Saturday, 13th July 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham eased to a third successive pre-season win in the sunshine at Bournemouth this afternoon...''

Boreham Wood (a) 3-0
Wednesday, 10th July 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham secured a second successive pre-season friendly win after coasting to victory against non-league Boreham Wood tonight...''

Cork City (a) 6-2
Sunday, 7th July 2013
by Staff Writer
''West Ham's pre-season got off to a flying start here in Cork tonight as Big Sam's boys thrashed their hosts by six goals to two...''

2012/13 Match Reports

Reading (h) 4-2
Sunday, 19th May 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Blimey, where did that season go?..''

Everton (a) 0-2
Sunday, 12th May 2013
by Staff Writer

''A Kevin Mirallas brace was enough to condemn West Ham United to their traditional defeat on Merseyside...''

Newcastle United (h) 0-0
Saturday, 4th May 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Not much to write about for this one. Bit of a non-event all round. Even TFL got in on the act, engineering works messing up my usual rendezvous venue with my Geordie pals, still it was a nice view of the Cutty Sark I suppose...''

Manchester City (a) 1-2
Saturday, 27th April 2013
by Staff Writer

''West Ham United were predictably - yet narrowly - beaten at the City of Manchester stadium in today's early kick off...''

Wigan Athletic (h) 2-0
Saturday, 20th April 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Forty-two. The meaning of life, the universe and everything. And the number of points we now have this season. Which is nice...''

Manchester United (h) 2-2
Wednesday, 17th April 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Entertaining this one, even if, as usual, we were robbed by the usual bent decisions that the officials give this most corrupt of clubs...''

Southampton (a) 1-1
Saturday, 13th April 2013
by Staff Writer

''Andy Carroll's fifth goal of the season was enough to earn West Ham a share of the spoils in today's Premier League clash at Southampton...''

Tottenham Hotspur (h) 2-3
Monday, 25th February 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Eventful match this one so please try and keep up. There’ll be questions later...''

Swansea City (h) 1-0
Saturday, 2nd February 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''That’s steadied the ship a bit then. Obviously the results of the last few weeks have see the good ship SS West Ham United (built at Thames Ironworks obviously) lurching slowly in the direction of some nasty looking rocks so three points were looking rather necessary before the start of this one...''

Queens Park Rangers (h) 1-1
Saturday, 19th January 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''If you don’t score goals you don’t win matches, sums this one up...''

Manchester United (h) 2-2
Saturday, 5th January 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Cracking match, wrong result just about sums this one up...''

Norwich City (h) 2-1
Tuesday, 1st January 2013
by Gordon Thrower

''Always nice to start the new year with a win. Especially when you’ve gone a few weeks without one...''

Everton (h) 1-2
Saturday, 22nd December 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Today we saw two people who had been given contracts to perform a role clearly beyond the scope of their respective abilities. Irritating though the “One Pound Fish Man” clearly is, I suppose he’s harmless enough...''

Chelsea (h) 3-1
Saturday, 1st December 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Some Sunday mornings you wake up with the knowledge that you have to relive the events of the previous 24 hours to write a match report and you know it’s going to be a painful experience. You know every word will have to be dragged kicking and screaming from brain to screen as you try to turn something nondescript into a few thousand words...''

Manchester City (h) 0-0
Saturday, 3rd November 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''I suppose we ought to have known this would be a decent match. Little bruvver was in attendance for this one and we usually see a good game when he’s comes to watch us. And this was, despite the 0-0 scoreline, not a bad match at all...''

Wigan Athletic (a) 1-2
Saturday, 27th October 2012
by Rob Chapman

''Pity me. Honestly, you should. Not only did I have to stand through that [spoiler alert!] truly soul crushing pathetic whimper of a non-event; but by the end of this match report I’ve got to try and pick a man of the match… It’s going to be like trying to pick my favourite war criminal…..''

Southampton (h) 4-1
Saturday, 20th October 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Bit of an odd one, this one...''

Arsenal (h) 1-3
Saturday, 6th October 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Apologies for the lateness of this one – unfortunately my home PC has been working with all the speed of John Terry making an apology...''

Sunderland (h) 1-1
Saturday, 22nd September 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''This report is brought to you with much sadness...''

Norwich City (a) 0-0
Saturday, 15th September 2012
by Robert Watson

''Following the absolute disaster at Swansea, we picked up our first points on the road this year...''

Fulham (h) 3-0
Saturday, 1st September 2012
by Stuart Jones

''After the signings of both Andy Carroll and Yossi Benayoun on loan, a buoyant West Ham were hoping to bounce back after the heavy loss to Swansea with a positive result against a Fulham side likely subdued after the exits of both Clint Dempsey and Moussa Dembele...''

Fulham (h) 3-0
Saturday, 1st September 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Cheers Liverpool – If you have any more decent players who might benefit from not playing in such a God-awful side feel free to send them our way...''

Swansea City (a) 0-3
Saturday, 25th August 2012
by Tom Kilbey

''Two individual defensive errors and a Danny Graham strike were enough to condemn West Ham to their first defeat of the season in the early kick-off at the Liberty Stadium. ..''

Aston Villa (h) 1-0
Saturday, 18th August 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''First game of the season. Three points. A few Olympic medals. What’s not to like? ..''

Austria Wien (a) 1-3
Saturday, 7th July 2012
by Ziga Kovac

''West Ham United were beaten in their opening pre-season match by Austria Wien in unbearable heat at the Generali Arena...''

2011/12 Match Reports

Blackpool (n) 2-1
Saturday, 19th May 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''AKA Gnome’s Wembley diary.....''

Cardiff City (h) 3-0
Monday, 7th May 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Wembley then. Marvellous. Isn’t it?!..''

Cardiff City (a) 2-0
Thursday, 3rd May 2012
by Staff Writer

''West Ham are 90 minutes away from Wembley after producing a thoroughly professional performance in the first leg of the Championship play-off semi final in Wales tonight...''

Hull City (h) 2-1
Saturday, 28th April 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''And so we enter the twilight zone of the play-offs. Given that any hope of automatic promotion depended on Coventry turning up against Southampton this match was always, realistically, firmly in 'hiding to nothing' territory...''

Brighton & Hove Albion (h) 6-0
Saturday, 14th April 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Blimey. Where does one start with a game like that? ..''

Reading (h) 2-4
Saturday, 31st March 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Seeing as I’m currently laid low with a dose of some sort of flu this is going to be something of a back to basics report. I feel lousy enough without having to put together thousands of words to describe how rough I was feeling at the time anyway so, with very little ceremony here we go:..''

Leeds United (a) 1-1
Saturday, 17th March 2012
by James May

''Another game, another point...''

Doncaster Rovers (h) 1-1
Saturday, 10th March 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Oh flipping heck here we go again...''

Doncaster Rovers (h) 1-1
Saturday, 10th March 2012
by Daniel Prescott

''The fact that the chorus of boos for the home side far outrung those directed at arch nemesis El Hadji Diouf tells you exactly what you need to know about the game. It was bad, yet again.....''

Watford (h) 1-1
Wednesday, 7th March 2012
by Daniel Prescott

''If at any time this season you have thought that being a West Ham fan was lacking in excitement, then spare a moment for the travelling Watford fans. There were just over twenty minutes on the clock when the Hornets’ loanee ‘keeper Tomas Kuszczak set the tone for the game as he began timewasting...''

Cardiff City (a) 2-0
Sunday, 4th March 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''We’re winning abroad.....''

Crystal Palace (h) 0-0
Saturday, 25th February 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Nice day; shame about the football. ..''

Blackpool (a) 4-1
Wednesday, 22nd February 2012
by James May

''What a night. What a performance. What a win...''

Southampton (h) 1-1
Tuesday, 14th February 2012
by James May

''What more could you want on a Valentine’s night? An enthralling ninety minutes and an electric atmosphere under the Upton Park lights, spent with the true love of our lives, West Ham United. The only thing missing was the three points...''

Millwall (h) 2-1
Saturday, 4th February 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''One day you play the 4th bottom side and get walloped 5-1 with a performance every bit as poor as the scoreline suggests. Four days later you play the 4th bottom side and win 2-1 with a performance as good as the previous one was bad. Go, as our American cousins are fond of saying, figure...''

Millwall (h) 2-1
Saturday, 4th February 2012
by James May

''When Kevin Nolan recklessly dived in inside the first ten minutes and was given his marching orders, we would have been forgiven for fearing the worst and that the 21-year-old wait for a home league win against Millwall was set to lengthen...''

Nottingham Forest (h) 2-1
Saturday, 21st January 2012
by James May

''It certainly won’t be a game that will live long in the memory but another win and finally top of the league, we have to be happy, don’t we?..''

Portsmouth (a) 1-0
Saturday, 14th January 2012
by Gordon Thrower

''Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have made this one. Not that I expect much sympathy from you lot but, having managed to pick up Preview Percy’s heavy cold during the week, I felt about as much like travelling to an away match as Paolo Di Canio often did. ..''

Derby County (a) 1-2
Saturday, 31st December 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Bare bones and balls-ups I think sums it all up...''

Barnsley (h) 1-0
Saturday, 17th December 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Did I hear the words 'bare bones'?..''

Burnley (h) 1-2
Saturday, 3rd December 2011
by East Stand Martin

''Whenever I see Burnley, I'm always reminded of the time the last down in the Championship, when the reasons best known to myself I decided to go up to the Lancashire khazi for a midweek game...''

Derby County (h) 3-1
Saturday, 26th November 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''I’ll tell you what, why don’t I just write “It was a game of two halves” every week and you can fill in the rest!..''

Coventry City (a) 2-1
Saturday, 19th November 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Six away wins? In the same season? Before Christmas? That’s what the league table says...''

Hull City (a) 2-0
Saturday, 5th November 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Five away wins in a season – and it’s only November!..''

Blackpool (h) 4-0
Saturday, 15th October 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''I think we’ll file this one under 'eventful'. ..''

Crystal Palace (a) 2-2
Saturday, 1st October 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''1st October and 80 plus degrees? This was clearly not what anyone had envisaged when this one came up on the fixture computer. ..''

Ipswich Town (h) 0-1
Tuesday, 27th September 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''I’ve done the washing up, hoovered the flat, got my stuff ready for tomorrow. I suppose I can’t put off writing a match report any longer, though I’m sure you all want to relive this one about as much as I do...''

Peterborough (h) 1-0
Saturday, 24th September 2011
by Staff Writer

''West Ham are up to fourth in the Championship after just about doing enough to see off the challenge of Darren Ferguson's Peterborough...''

Portsmouth (h) 4-3
Saturday, 10th September 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''It’s never dull around here, is it! ..''

Nottingham Forest (a) 4-1
Sunday, 28th August 2011
by Staff Writer

''West Ham United strolled to victory at the City Ground this afternoon with a throughly professional performance...''

Aldershot Town (h) 1-2
Wednesday, 24th August 2011
by Staff Writer

''West Ham United are out of the Carling Cup after being embarrassed at home by League Two side Aldershot Town...''

Leeds United (h) 2-2
Sunday, 21st August 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Not that I’m an expert on such matters but didn’t there used to be some crappy Aussie soap opera called Home and Away? (If you’ll excuse the double tautology of the words ‘crappy’, ‘Aussie’ and ‘soap opera’). It seems that we have adopted something of a Jekyll and Hyde approach to matches at the moment. Or have we? Professor Thrower, lecturer at the University Of Boleyn (formerly Plaistow Municipal baths) has a theory about that. Of which more later...''

Watford (a) 4-0
Tuesday, 16th August 2011
by Brian Evans

''Just got home from a reasonbly entertaining evening at Vicarage Road...''

Doncaster Rovers (a) 1-0
Saturday, 13th August 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Three points on the road? You’ll be telling me that we’re the best test cricketing nation in the world next...''

Doncaster Rovers (a) 1-0
Saturday, 13th August 2011
by East Stand Martin

''I figure that it’s time the KUMB.com Old School put in a shift now that we have plunged into the chasm of the Championship. After all, who could turn down a few away trips to places that time forgot? It’s a rich old time for some social commentary. ..''

Cardiff City (h) 0-1
Sunday, 7th August 2011
by Gordon Thrower

''Remember last time we were here and every match was a cup final for the opposition? Get used to it guys...''

2010/11 Match Reports

Sunderland (h) 0-3
Sunday, 22nd May 2011
by Gordon Thrower

Blackburn Rovers (h) 1-1
Saturday, 7th May 2011
by Gordon Thrower

Manchester City (a) 1-2
Saturday, 23rd April 2011
by Staff Writer

Chelsea (a) 0-3
Saturday, 23rd April 2011
by Staff Writer

Aston Villa (h) 1-2
Saturday, 16th April 2011
by Gordon Thrower

Bolton Wanderers (a) 0-3
Saturday, 9th April 2011
by Staff Writer

Manchester United (h) 2-4
Saturday, 2nd April 2011
by Staff Writer

Tottenham Hotspur (a) 0-0
Saturday, 19th March 2011
by Gordon Thrower

Stoke City (a) 1-2
Sunday, 13th March 2011
by Staff Writer