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It's the time of year when we traditionally look back and utter those famous words "where the hell did those last 12 months go?" In part one of our annual trawl through the archives Gordon Thrower looks at all the happenings in pre-season. Expect to see stuff about Andy Carroll, transfer rumours and the strange bizarre world of Joe Kinnear.....

June 2013

The month started with us looking on in pity at the victims of cruel medical experiments that makes up a significant proportion of the support at Millwall. They were complaining, as usual, at the club’s attempts to improve itself by appointing ex-Hammer Steve Lomas as manager. Like the stuff they use in nuclear power stations to slow down the rate of the reaction, Glenn Roeder comes in as no.2 to Lomas to ensure that the rate of any progress is not too quick.

Winston Reid adds the kumb.com player of the year award to all the other ones he won in 2012/13. Barry Hearn is “Hackett of the Year” for the second year running for services against West Ham United. Hearn seeks a judicial review over the result.

The “will he-won’t he” saga over Andy Carroll’s transfer continues. The clubs having agreed a fee for the player, he jets off to the States where photos show him bumping into Ashley Cole. The player’s increasing maturity is highlighted by the fact that none of the photos show him decking the obnoxious Cole.

We make another signing in the goalkeeping dept. Adrian’s full name is Adrian San Miguel del Castillo, which translates into English as Adrian Carling Black Label Castle. Or something. The ‘keeper comes in from Real Betis on a free transfer, landing a three year contract with a club option to extend for another two years.

Also in is Stockport youngster Danny Whitehead. Signed for a nominal fee, the player is described as “a bit slight – but we’ll work on that”. Down to Nathan’s with you then son.

Someone who could never be described as being ”a bit slight” is Benni McCarthy who has just announced his retirement from football having spent the last couple of years with Orlando Pirates. A word of advice Benni – try and do a bit of training. Once you retire the pounds just pile on otherwise.

In Israel, the England U21 team are playing in the U21 Euro tournament. Well some of them are. Some players who qualify for the tournament are deemed too big for such events, in contrast to other countries who send their best players within the age group to form their squads. England lose all three group matches to Italy, Norway and Israel. Stuart Pearce’s contract as U21 boss is not renewed as a result.

Amongst the speculation involving Carroll is a recurring but unfounded rumour that Newcastle will try to re-sign the player. However, they seem to have their own problems as the amazing news that Joe Kinnear is to return to the club is announced. By Joe Kinnear.

Kinnear gives what is, even by his standards, a bizarre interview to Talksport. During the interview Kinnear bigs up his career to date by making all sorts of claims as to his achievements. Such as having played over 400 times for Spurs (he didn’t), having won the Manager Of The Year award three times (he didn’t), having made a big profit on John Hartson who he had signed on a free (er,signed for £7,5m), having signed current Magpies ‘keeper Tim Krul for the club (Krul arrived two years before Kinnear) etc etc. Kinnear then claims that he is more intelligent than the Geordie fans. Just the memory is going a bit then Joe.

The announcement of Kinnear’s arrival by the club itself is delayed while they await an “I’m looking forward to working with Joe” statement from Alan Pardew. None is forthcoming and the announcement, when it finally appears, tellingly lacks any input from the manager. Whilst we’re all still killing ourselves laughing at Kinnear’s claim to have discovered the source of the Nile during the half-time interval of a Tyne-Wear derby, Managing Director Derek Llambias announces his resignation, citing no reason whatsoever for his departure on the same day as Kinnear’s arrival. Just coincidence we expect.

Kinnear, in a rare lucid moment, states that his first priority will be to find another striker, prompting further speculation that Carroll will turn up on his radar. The announcement that Carroll is due to have a medical at the Shaun Wright-Phillips Memorial Medical centre prior to signing for us is most welcome then. Even if, as the announcement does, the proclamation comes from the twitter account of young Jack Sullivan. “I could whack him sometimes” claims co-chairman David Gold, though for the benefit of any employees of Newham Social Services dept. who may be reading this, the comment was made with tongue firmly in cheek.

Having successfully completed his medical (despite a heel injury that threatens to keep the player out for the start of the season) the signing of Carroll is finally confirmed, and there is much speculation in the papers as to the size of the deal. Most estimates are so wide of the mark it is believed that Joe Kinnear wrote them.

The fixtures are announced and for the second time in three years we are given a home match against Cardiff City on the opening day of the season. Although kick-off is slated for 3pm we await details of what hour the Met’s finest will allow us to play the match. Cardiff supporters, meanwhile, gird themselves for an arduous journey to John O’Groats from whence the police will insist they pick up their tickets, ten minutes before kick-off.

Over in Brazil the Confederations Cup is taking place. Whilst, admirably, the BBC is covering the tournament, most of the English media are treating the competition as some sort of sideshow. A sort of Intertoto for Internationals if you will. This is partly prompted by the fact that, since qualification depends on being either world or federation champions (or, as in the case of Brazil, being the host nation), England’s chances of ever playing in the thing are rather slim.

Despite the stereotypical image of your average Brazilian being football mad, the tournament is not meeting with universal approval from the population. Riots and protests take place as a reaction to increasing transport costs and public disquiet over the cost of hosting the 2014 World Cup and the 2016 Olympics. Sepp Blatter, meanwhile, joins Newcastle’s Director Of Football on Planet Kinnear by announcing that FIFA’s reputation has been “enhanced” by the whole situation. It’s a strange claim even by Blatter’s standards, though admittedly the corrupt FIFA is starting from a pretty low base, reputationally speaking.

The tournament itself includes Brazil (hosts), Spain (World/Euro Champions), Italy (Euro runners up), Uruguay (Copa America holders), Nigeria (African Champions), Mexico (Concacacacacacaf), Japan (Asia) and Tahiti (Oceania). Those locals who aren’t actually rioting get fully behind the Tahiti side, particularly in their match against Spain. The Spanish field the effective equivalent of a Rugby tour midweek side and Fernando Torres pulls off the neat trick of looking useless in a match that sees him score four. Spain declare at ten.

The semi-finals pan out nicely so that the South Americans play each other as do the Europeans, thus ensuring a South America v Europe final. Brazil beat Uruguay 2-1 whilst Spain v Italy goes to penalties. Fourteen penalties are taken. Thirteen are perfect, Bonucci’s skied effort knocking Italy out to set up a Brazil v Spain final.

The month ends with the host nation prevailing over an out of sorts Spain who have a lousy evening, missing a penalty and having Iniesta sent off in a 3-0 defeat.

July

The transfer window officially opens as the players return to pre-season training. Hammers’ fans panic at the news that Titus Bramble, a free agent, is training with the club. Thankfully the Jack Sullivan twitter feed puts our minds at rest by confirming that the club is just doing the player a favour, enabling him to keep fit while he looks for a new club. The collective sigh of relief causes the Dartford Bridge to be closed to high-sided vehicles.

Swansea seem to be closing in on Vitesse Arnhem striker William Bony. Reports suggesting that we’ve put in a £10m bid of our own are apparently wide of the mark, though we have apparently made an official enquiry with talks stalling on the Dutch side’s insistence that the fee be paid up front.

It’s departure time for Robert Hall. Despite being offered a new deal by the club, the promising youngster elects to pursue a better chance of a first team place with Bolton Wanderers, with whom he spent part of 2012/13 on loan. Shame that one – we thought he showed promise. Arriving at Bolton on the same day is Blackpool’s Alex Baptiste – whose torrent of sour grapes after the play-off final was hilarious in the extreme. Bolton eh Alex? Not quite made it into the Premier League then? Shame.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Kinnear, the Newcastle Director of Football is at it again. “I’m head and shoulders above everyone else” he claims. As the manufacturers of a well-known dandruff shampoo consider legal action, he comes out with another baffling list of “facts”. “Every club has a director of football” he claims. Ours is probably hiding on an island somewhere with Man Utd and Arsenal’s then. “I’ve been a manager for 35 years he adds” proving his grasp of maths is about as strong as his grasp on reality. “I’ve won every award there is as a player” well, except the league Joe. And the European Cup. And the (much missed) Cup-Winners Cup. And we must have missed the Republic Of Ireland’s Euro and World Cup triumphs. “I had two years at Forest” (less than a year), “two years winning promotion at Luton” (one relegation, one promotion), and almost two years at Newcastle (er, 8 months. If you include three of sick leave). I was first man on the moon you know, he continues…

At the Boleyn there are some changes in the club’s ownership. David Sullivan becomes the majority shareholder after picking up a further 25% from CB Holdings (aka “The Icelandics”). One day these will belong to Jack you know. If only there were some sort of social media outlet he could use to tell us when that happens.

Henry Redknapp is given some help at QPR as it is announced that Steve McLaren is to join the club as a coach, though it’s not announced which accent he’ll be using.

An unexploded WWII bomb is found in Victoria Dock. Joe Kinnear volunteers to act as Director Of Defusing Things – “I did dozens of these during the war. Hundreds probably” he claims. After a nanosecond’s consideration the army decides to make do with one of the few bomb disposal experts that they didn’t make redundant in the latest round of cuts. Talking of which, the Government announces that the Territorial Army is to be named the Army Reserve. I give it a month before it becomes the Army Development Squad.

Sullivan Jr is busy again on twitter, announcing that Gary O’Neil has decided to leave the club, his contract having expired on 30 June. Although offered a new deal by the club the thought of being understudy to Mark Noble once more presumably doesn’t appeal to the player. Sullivan Jr’s choice of words on twitter could have been better made: “we’ll get better in”.

A pretty decent weekend for British sport starts off with the Lions clinching a 2-1 series win over the Aussies, the 41-16 win in the final test marking a record points tally for the Lions. Always a hoot to see Aussies thumped as well. On the same day Chris Froome takes over the yellow jersey in the Tour De France. It’s not recorded whether any Aussies were harmed in the process.

The first of the pre-season matches takes place in Ireland where Cork City are beaten 6-2. Diarra, Cole, Taylor, McCallum, Noble (pen) and Morrison are on target, with Noble also missing a penalty. Most worrying aspect of the day is the sight of Titus Bramble in a West Ham shirt.

More British sporting success as the 77 year wait for a Wimbledon men’s singles winner comes to an end when Andy Murray defeats Novak Djokovic in straight sets. A number of records are set as, for the first time, a Scotsman manages to survive four hours in the sun without burning, Also, it’s the first recorded time that a Scotsman has left a court with a victory. The win marks the first win for a Briton in the Men's single since Joe Kinnear's victory in 1961.

Also at Wimbledon, the Ladies’ singles is won by Marion Bartoli. The BBC’s John Inverdale suggests that her success is down to the fact that she isn’t a “looker” and thus worked harder at her tennis. No, really he did. Meanwhile Steve Coogan is seen frantically amending the script to the forthcoming Alan Partridge movie.

In Nigeria, something smells a bit fishy as promotion rivals Plateau United Feeders and Police Machine go into their final matches level on points Feeders lead their match 5-0 at half time only to discover that Machine have gone one better. We suspect that a quiet word is had at half time as Feeders net 72 times in the second half to run our 79-0 winners. Obviously the same conversation is had at the venue for the Police Machine’s match as they net 61 times in their match to win 67-0. The Nigerian FA suspends all four teams involved plus the match officials pending an enquiry. Meanwhile the Feeders’ coach is angry demanding to know who it was who had grassed on him.

As the window begins to get interesting it is reported that we are interested in signing Stuart Downing from Liverpool. “We have no interest in signing Stuart Downing from Liverpoool” confirms Neil McDonald who, because he is not Harry Redknapp, is believed.

Pre-season continues with a visit to Boreham Wood where, as part of the Ruddock (Pelly not Neil) deal, we play a friendly. Morrison and Vaz Te score before the interval when the whole side is replaced. Kevin Nolan adds another to see us run out 3-0 winners.

Promising Barcelona prospect Gerard Deulofeu signs a loan deal with Everton. Not something we’d have picked up on but for Jack Sullivan’s twitter revelation that we had been tying to sign the player ourselves. We are also linked with Zdravko Kuzmanovic, a Serbian midfielder currently playing with Inter. Our spell-checking software will be pleased.

Up the road in Thurrock (or Purfleet as they were once known) relegation to the Rymans League Southern Division is confirmed as the FA reject the club’s appeal against a 3 point deduction. Their crime was to field Joel Barnett. Barnett had played for a team in Yorkshire that had folded owing a few bob in unpaid fines, the cost of which had been split between the responsible players and staff. Barnett’s failure to pay his share – all of £16 from a sending off – resulted in his suspension. Both Thurrock and the player claim ignorance. “He didn’t know because he was in prison”. Sheffield United store the information for future reference – “We’ll be in that league soon enough so it’ll be handy to have some cash to line the Chairman’s pockets with when we get there” comments a spokesman, though possibly not an official one.

Transfer speculation continues with the news that the club has taken Dutch midfielder Orlando Engelaar on trial, the player having been released by PSV during the summer. Engelaar plays the second half of the next match, a 2-0 win at Bournemouth. Nolan and Collison are on target in the match that doubles as a testimonial for Cherries’ defender Stephen Purches.

It is revealed that we have put in for a work permit for Colombian forward Duvan Zapata. The 22 year-old is uncapped, something that is usually a problem for the authorities. Meanwhile we are highly concerned at our headline writer’s failure to use “Viva Zapata”. Poor lad must be unwell.

As he weather heats up in what those of us with long memories used to call “summer”, those of us starved of football tune into the Women’s European Championships, which being held in Sweden.. The England team starts in a manner that is depressingly familiar to those of us who have watched their male counterparts over the years. England lose their first match 3-2 to Spain, the winner coming in the last minute of stoppage time.

Still at least one England side is doing ok, as the cricketers take a 1-0 lead in the Ashes series. It’s a splendid game of cricket as a 98 from 19 year-old Ashton Agar, formerly a service area on the M40, batting at no.11 gives the Aussies a 1st innings lead. An incident-packed match sees the Aussies fall 15 runs shy of the 311 that would have given them a remarkable win.

Every year about this time there’s usually a bonkers story about our former “saviour” Savio. 2013 is no exception. Last heard of plying his trade in the German lower leagues whilst nicking stuff from his teammates’ pockets in the changing rooms (having been released from a prison for faking his own kidnapping in Thailand), Savio has turned up in the Israeli Premier League. Savio? In a country with lots of guns? With hostile neighbours? What could possibly go wrong?

Talking of bonkers, the ever so barking Mohamad Fayed sells Fulham to Jacksonville Cougars (apparently they do that rugby in motorcycle helmets thing that passes for sport in the USA) owner Shahid Khan. Khan immediately cancels plans to erect statues to Jimmy Saville and Stuart Hall at Craven Cottage, whilst an orderly queue starts amongst Fulham supporters eager to request that the one Fayed put up of Michael Jackson be ditched. “I’ll listen to the fans” suggests Khan. “It’s a listed monument – if he moves it there’ll be trouble” claims Fayed, taking a leaf out of the Joe Kinnear book by ignoring the fact that a) the statue isn’t a listed monument (as if), and b) it’s got nothing to do with him anymore anyway.

The England Women’s team continues in a manner that is depressingly familiar to those of us who have watched their male counterparts over the years. This time they come within seconds of exiting Euro 2013 before a late, late equaliser gives them a 1-1 draw against Russia, thus retaining a glimmer of hope of progressing to the knockout stages.

“Sources close to” Wayne Rooney say that the player is “angry and confused”. Whilst most of us wonder where the news actually is in that statement, it seems that spudface’s anger and confusion results from Manchester United’s comments on the player’s future with the club. Meanwhile David Moyes ensures that Rooney will go nowhere by insisting that he places any transfer request in writing.

We notch another win on the pre-season road as we run out 2-1 winners at Colchester. Cole and Collins are on target. Best news of all is that Titus Bramble is turning out for Ipswich on the same night. A major wind farm capable of powering the whole of Essex is constructed to take advantage of the resulting sigh of relief.

A wheelchair-bound Man Utd supporter appears on the box to campaign for better facilities for the disabled. A laudable aim perhaps, but one that is totally undermined by her complaint of having to sit near home supporters on her visits to the Boleyn. Presumably, as a Man Utd supporter she is frightened of learning something about football. For example, the name of some other grounds at which disabled supporters are forced to sit with opposition supporters. (Clue: Last time I was on crutches a certain ground in Salford adopted that policy).

The England Women’s team continues in a manner that is depressingly familiar to those of us who have watched their male counterparts over the years. This time they are outplayed by the French who are worthy 3-0 winners. The result means that none of the England teams involved in tournaments (U20, U21 and Women’s) have actually won a match this summer. Food for thought.

Chelsea confirm they have had a bid for Wayne Rooney knocked back by Man Utd, despite Coleen having agreed personal terms with John Terry.

Joe Kinnear is strangely silent for once as it is revealed that Newcastle's Papisse Cisse has not travelled to Portugal for pre-season. The problem lies with the Geordies’ choice of shirt sponsors for 2013/14, a payday loan company. This conflicts with the player’s religious beliefs. The situation calls for tact and diplomacy which is why, presumably, Kinnear is kept well away from the press on this one. Meanwhile it is rumoured that Cisse’s failure to travel has cost him a £5,000 fine, a figure which will rise to £2,165,043.60 if not paid within 3 weeks.

West Ham officially withdraw from the race to sign Zapata. The official announcement comes, as ever, via Sullivan Jr who informs us that there is no prospect of a work permit being granted due to the player’s lack of full international recognition.

Another player not coming is Sporting Gijon’s Oscar Trejo. Spanish sources suggest we had placed a bid for the Argentinian midfielder, though there’s nothing to suggest that this had been the case from this side of the Channel. In the end the player goes to Tolouse.

We suffer our first pre-season defeat in Germany, Joe Cole netting our goal in a 4-1 defeat to 1 FSV Mainz. Facebook is alive with the usual “Allardyce Out” knee jerk reactions from those who fail to differentiate between pre-season and, er, season.

Other sports news and the Aussies receive another Ashes thrashing, this time by 367 runs. The result comes in on the same day as Chris Froome wins the Tour De France, a second consecutive British win. So, we beat the Aussies at cricket and the French at cycling. Still long odds on the hat-trick though, as giving the Germans a thumping at football looms as far away as ever.

We receive sad news from across the Atlantic as we hear of the sad passing of Phil Woosnam. Woosnam joined us from Leyton Orient where he combined a teaching career with playing as an amateur. He actually won his first cap for Wales as an amateur and only turned professional on signing for Ted Fenton’s side in 1958. After over 150 games for us he moved on to Villa, but it is his work in the USA for which the wider football world will remember him. Starting out as a player with the Atlanta Chiefs he progressed to coaching then moved onto the administration side of things. He was commissioner of the NASL (the earlier version of the current MLS) during its glory years and was also instrumental in securing the 1994 World Cup for the States. RIP Woosie.

David Sullivan officially takes over Jack’s twitter account for a Q&A session. The responses are pretty much what one would expect and end up being quoted left right and centre in the press, though for some reason the Co-chairman’s reply to the query “what do you want to be when you grow up” (A: taller) seems strangely absent from the back pages.

David Cameron announces that future internet users will have to actively opt-in should they wish to receive porn. On the same day the Duchess of Cambridge finally drops a much-delayed male heir, prompting many of us to ask if we can also have a button to opt in for news of the royal baby. The media coverage is hilariously over the top with one BBC presenter actually informing us that “it was always going to be a girl or a boy”. Nation shall speak crap unto nation then.

The Germans defeat the Norwegians 1-0 in the women's Euro 2013. John Inverdale is kept well away from the commentary team. Some revenge is gained on behalf of the late King Olaf as we return to winning ways with a 3-1 win over Hamburger SV as our German tour continues. A seemingly rejuvenated and rehabilitated Diarra is on the scoresheet along with Tomkins and Morrison (pen).

The tour concludes with a 3-0 win over Eintracht Braunschweig. Maiga is the man of the moment, scoring two and setting up another for Diame. Maiga’s appearance on the radar comes at a time when talks are continuing with Saloman Kalou. Although a fee of a reported £3.5m has been agreed with Lille the player appears to be reluctant to take up a supporting role alongside Andy Carroll,

Papisse Cisse’s reluctance to wear the logo of a payday lender on his Newcastle shirt comes to an end. His religious objections to the logo have been mysteriously resolved. In a completely unrelated news story Papisse Cisse is plastered all over the national press playing blackjack in a Newcastle casino.

Mo Diame turns down a reported approach from Everton “I looked it up and it’s in Liverpool” the player explains.

As the Kalou deal seems to stall attention turns to Malmo attacking midfielder Jiloan Hamad. Liverpool’s Raheem Stirling, who spent some time working under Tony Carr as a kid, is also linked with a loan deal as Jack Sullivan promises a new striker “within 48 hrs”. August should be interesting then.

August

The world of football is rocked to its foundations as Kieron Dyer announces his retirement. Mainly because the world of football had thought that this event had occurred several years previously. Possibly the unluckiest player in history, Dyer's mood would have been improved by the arrival of the cheque from the insurance company had he not sustained a really nasty paper cut when opening the envelope it came in.

The team jet off once more to warmer climes to take part in a tournament in Portugal involving Braga and Sporting Lisbon. Ravel Morrison shines again, as we beat Sporting 3-2. Nolan gets the other. Things get a bit baffling at the end as, despite the victory, the teams have a penalty shoot-out to help decide tournament placings in the event of a tie. Things get even more baffling as the shoot-out finishes 4-4. Answers on a postcard please.

There's a bit of a to do as it becomes apparent that Gent's Ilombo Pele M'boyo is a potential target. Jack Sullivan's twitter account becomes the thermometer through which the supporters' waters are tested and the general consensus contains the words “barge” and “pole”. The club's interest is quietly dropped but not before some Belgian Equal Opps jobsworth mutters something about discrimination. There are also concerns that a 12 year-old's twitter account is being used to discuss the rehabilitation of sex offenders.

We go down 1-0 to Braga in the final game of the tournament, though we did get some consolation from the bizarre and pointless penalty shoot-out which we again draw – 3-3 this time. We still have no idea why.

One of the stronger rumours of the summer links us with raiding feeder club Liverpool for Stewart Downing. And not a striker. Despite the likelihood that Andy Carroll will be missing for the opening weeks of the season.

“Come and watch top class European football” scream the adverts, which, as an afterthought, mention that our opponents are to be Portuguese outfit Pacos De Ferreira, who, despite hardly being a household name, have apparently qualified for the so-called Champions League. Unlike Spurs. Morrison is on target after 16 seconds. Maiga doubles the lead. The “top class European opponents” can only muster a second half consolation effort as we win 2-1. Despite the Portuguese opponents, we don't bother with a penalty shoot-out.

Stewart Downing's arrrival is confirmed for a fee of a reported £5m. That's the Downing we have no interest in signing apparently. Still no striker though as it is confirmed that Andy Carroll will definitely miss the season-opener at home to Cardiff. It is announced that Billy Bonds MBE will be given a “Lifetime Achievement Award” by the club before the match.

So we go into the season a shade light in the striking department. Still there's a few weeks to go in the window so we're bound to sign a striker or two and, in any case, Andy Carroll will be back before you know it.

Won't he?


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